And All Good Things Must End...Temporarily

 

That right there? Second saddest thing I saw that whole day. It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful, having The Cowboy here. And he extended his stay twice, as long as he could, once for no other real reason than that he saw how sad I was that he was going. He put it off as long as he could, but eventually, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Sad but true. And BOY, was I sad.

Turns out, you can't just cling onto someone and keep them off their plane. I tried. For his part, he was just tall and strong and keeping up a good facade for me (not that it was false, it was just what he chose to show in front of everything else, for my sake), to ameliorate my pitiful sadness at his leaving. Only once did he say out loud, to me, "I'm sad to be leaving," and of course at that point I lost it, but being, you know, skilled in ninja ways and as stoic as a post, I'm sure he NEVER KNEW I was upset. *ahem* 

Listen. About this visit. It wasn't just that we finally got to spend face time together. It wasn't just that he did the manual labor of a crew of ten every single day while he was here. It's not even "just" that I love him, and he loves me, and we enjoy each other and support each other and protect each other. It's that, while he was here, for the first time in a very long time for me, things felt RIGHT. I felt safe. I felt loved (well, that part, I still do. But you know what I mean). I felt at peace, with a centered sort of calmness that has been missing from my day-to-day-existence for quite some time. I SLEPT AT NIGHT, WITHOUT WAKING UP. Let that one sink in a bit, o ye who know of my insomniac history. Him being with me just made everything seem like it was the way it was supposed to be. And that is simultaneously wonderful and a little bit terrifying. Because the obstacles this relationship faces are enormous. It's not just an age thing. It's also a distance thing. A goals thing. A whole bunch of things, that whole universes will have to align and collide with each other to make work.

Now that we've spent a good amount of time together, I really want it to work. He says the same thing, and that he will "do his damnedest" to MAKE it work... and I know I will. But I also know that there are no guarantees in life (BOY, do I know that. Hard). So I'm walking that tightrope between, on the one side, throwing myself wholeheartedly, without reservation, into this relationship with this amazing, unique man, and on the other side, being prepared for all the "what ifs." Because, in my recent history, NOT being prepared for things I never saw coming left me devastated and crushed and broken, and it took a lot of work on my part, and a LOT of Cowboy, to get me on the right track again.

But here's the main difference between the scenarios my subconscious can't help but compare: THIS man has never broken a promise to me. We may have just "met" in person recently, but we've been "together" for a year, exclusively. In all that time, despite ample opportunity, and living over a thousand miles away, about zero chance of being found out if he wasn't, he has been faithful to me. That's more than I can say for the last man who lived in the same house with me. Trust me, all it would take is one tiny betrayal of trust, and on my end, this thing, as good as it is, would be over. I can't live that again. But about THAT, I am 100% unconcerned. If it goes, this relationship, it ain't going like that. This man is man enough to own his agenda and to deal with the consequences before they happen.

He promises to come back soon. He promises that we will give this our best shot, and that if it fails on either side, or both, that we'll remain close, no matter what. He promises much, and so far, has delivered much. So for now, if I fall off that aforementioned tightrope, it'll be on his side. And you know what? He'll catch me, better than any safety net. How do I know? Because he promised. Does this look like a guy who's gonna let you down? Not to me, it doesn't. This is a guy who can take on the world, and swing it by the tail.

That was pretty much the last good look I've had at him, in person, since he left here. And I can't wait for the next good look... and I know that there will be another, and more to follow. Is this relationship a little bit non-traditional? Yes. Is it wonderful, and does it make me happier than I've been in years?
Yes. Yes, it is and yes, it does.

 

Pictured above: The visual embodiment of sorrow, and the FIRST saddest thing I saw all day. This really took it out of me. This is where I started crying, and didn't stop until well after I'd gotten home. I was so sad I got all blurry.

And then I remembered things. Him holding me and making me laugh in spite of myself.

Those eyes, that crooked smile, that look at me, that cocksure attitude that just YELLS, "Everything is going to be great!", ALL FOR ME AND ME ALONE.

 

Most of all, I remember his words. For so long, all we had were words, so they've come to mean a lot, especially considering how they've been kept, on both sides. What he said as he left: "I promise I'll come back. I promise. Okay?" (*sniff, teary-eyed nod in response*) "All right, then. BE HAPPY, DAMMIT!"

And I try harder, and I get braver, and I am happier. Because he helped make me stronger. Because he promised. And that, I can take to the bank.