Monday, July 18, 2011

The Part Where We Stop Dancing

For all of my marriage to Alex, I have performed a delicate dance between keeping people informed about what's going on, and protecting his privacy. And I still feel a responsibility on that count, but a line has been crossed, and as much as I love him and want for him all the things in life that people deserve, the time has come to stop dancing.

No matter how good the good times are, the bad times of living with a bipolar person are pure hell. It's not their fault that they're ill, but they ARE responsible for their actions. The thing that makes it hard for "normals" to deal with it is that it is not logical. Where we have something happen, and feel a corresponding mood in response to that, a cycling bipolar person feels the feeling, the mood, FIRST. For no reason except that their brain is broken. Upon feeling that mood, they must then cast about externally, looking for a REASON for that mood. If they feel angry, and you're the only one there, brace yourself. You're about to have done something horribly wrong, whether you know it or not.

There are countless circular arguments. My family can vouch for the times that they have heard Alex, over the phone, trying to make me do something while I cry to be left alone, him standing over me and yelling, "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?" over and over. WHY am I thwarting him? WHY won't I obey his every, ever-shifting whim? WHY? And here's the shameful part: Sometimes, maybe even most of the time, depending on how much strength you have, you just do it. You just do whatever it is that will make the crazy stop, even temporarily (and it's always temporary) because it's just exhausting. And when you do that, The Beast has won. And it is clever, and it stores that information away. You've just reinforced a behavior, and further cemented it (yes, I'm a total Skinnerian).

So if you follow me at all, you know by now that I've taken Bella and left home. I had no choice. Alex has been in an increasingly florid manic state for weeks now, staying on a non-stop, destructive spending spree that has left us literally penniless. He has stolen my much-needed pain medication and sold it to fund his overdraft charges. Let that sink in for a minute. I had medication prescribed to me for the pain I'm dealing with, and it was well know to my husband that that was the only relief I ever get. He let me have three days' worth, then he just took it. He told me that he sold it, and that is probably true. But, you know, that same day he cooked dinner or brought me some candy or something, because he's TOTALLY a good guy. Right? You're getting a taste of living with the craziness.

So meanwhile, during the ruinous spending (OH, how those UPS trucks rolled in every day!), Alex was also spying on all of my internet activity via keylogging software he'd installed, unbeknownst to me, on our home network. Now, I could not care less if he reads everything I've ever said to anyone in any conversation, because I never say anything I wouldn't say in front of him. That's the super-secret bonus to not being a liar: you never have to stop and think about whether you're telling a different story to one person than the other. I have nothing to hide. In the last couple of days, I noticed him hacking my accounts repeatedly, so I knew he had to have software that was logging keystrokes, because I was making some ca-razy passwords. The last one on my Facebook account was actually an insult directed at him: "alexisaliar67". Didn't phase him.

So, last night, Alex went to bed before me. I followed about 15 minutes later. He was watching "Silence of the Lambs" on the Roku player. I was reading Feed on my iPad, so I wouldn't have to turn the light on to use my Kindle. After about 5 minutes, Alex got up, went into the living room, and got on the PC in there. I thought this was a bit odd, but he'd paused the movie, so I figured he'd just forgotten something. I got absorbed in my book, then realized that another 45 minutes or so had passed, and he was still in there click-clicking away on the keyboard. I called out, "What are you doing?" and got an angry sounding, "NOTHING!" I had a hunch, so I clicked the iPad over to Facebook, and there I saw "me" changing my relationship status (I had it on "complicated;" he changed it back to "married"), making posts, and sending messages to people. It made me SICK. Did I mention that earlier that day I'd discovered that "I" had gotten "myself" a Chase credit card? Odd, given my stance on credit cards (they can die in a fire), the fact that I didn't apply for one, and the fact that "Belinda Miller's" contact email was "aalexmiller@aol.com."

So I confronted my husband, and yeah, I was furious. He stood and denied everything, even though I'd just watched it happen. But when The Beast is in control, it's all about the denial, plus Alex himself, no Beast required, has a pretty healthy lying problem, even when it doesn't matter. As my dad used to say of him, "He'd stand up to tell a lie when he could tell the truth sitting down." He's had countless hours of therapy about it.

I had looked up on my iPad instructions for putting up a firewall against keyloggers, and sat on the couch with my laptop and iPad open, reading instructions on one and applying them to the other. The whole time, I was subjected to a yelling rant demanding that I go back to bed and leave this alone. It was about a three-sentence rant, but the sentences were repeated on an endless, angry, loud, loop: "WHY? WHY? WHY?" WHY CAN'T YOU DO THIS IN THE MORNING? WHY? WHY WON'T YOU COME TO BED WITH ME? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" (That last one is a personal favorite that gets trotted out whenever he gets "busted" doing something wrong--I am to blame for discovering/complaining about/trying to right said wrong. Because I am just bitchy like that. If I would just leave it alone, EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.)

When I would not stop trying to protect my account from him, he stomped off upstairs and disabled the Internet so that I could not continue. I went up there to fix it, but he'd hidden the cable away so I couldn't find it. I went straight to the bedroom, where during that two minutes he'd crawled into bed, turned out the light, and was actually pretending to sleep. I turned on the light and demanded that he fix the Internet. I told him (VERY angrily, I admit) that it was the least he owed me. His position was that I had "no business" using the Internet at that time, and that he would restore it "in the morning." I can't imagine why, but this made me even angrier. I also realized that at this point, I was arguing with The Beast, so I tried appealing to Alex. I reminded him that no one--no one--in the world was a bigger advocate for him, that I had championed him for years, fighting for him when no one else would, and that all I wanted him to do was at least tell me where the Internet cable was. No avail. I kept trying to get a connection from my iPad to my laptop, but I couldn't make that work. And yes, during this half-hour or so, I DID go and turn on the bedroom light and demand that Alex right things--more than once. As I'd said, I was furious, and I am human.

I called my mom and let her know what was going on, just in case, and she overheard him on the phone standing there screaming at me to go back to bed, so we ended that phone call so I could try to deal with Alex. The mistake I made at this point was telling Alex my intentions. I can get a bit blinded by rage, too. I told him that I was going to post to Twitter and Facebook from my cell phone, warning my friends that someone else was posing as me online, and that I would send messages to our families (my mom and sister, his mom and sister) telling them the same thing. I should have just quietly gone and DONE it. I might have gotten it done, but that little truth-speaking voice in my head says he would've followed me into the living room to see what I was doing, and the same awful sequence of marriage-ending events would've followed.

I had my cell phone on the charger by the computer, so I went and sat in the computer chair and began to compose a text message. I saw Alex come charging toward me, except that it wasn't Alex at all by this point. Empty, dead eyes of The Beast. Still, I never in a million years would've anticipated what followed. He tried to grab onto the phone, but I held tight. He'd already disabled the Internet, and I knew that he could do the same with the land line, with the push of a button. I panicked. That cell phone represented my only link to the outside world. I was not going to let go of it, even in my pitiful weak state, if I could help it. I was also afraid he'd smash it. He yanked me across the room, ripping the phone from the charger in the process, destroying the charger. I started screaming, in fear, in hopes he'd let go...and because at this point he had an arm across my face and the other hand twisted through my hair...pulling. At the same time, my back and shoulders were being pounded against the floor, I could feel great wads of my hair coming loose at the roots, and a blow to the breastbone. One of his hands was clutching my shoulder, and was right in front of my face, and was my only target, so I bit it, hard, thinking he'd let go of my hair. My hair was what let go, at the roots.

I want to state at this point that I do not believe that it was ever Alex's intention to hurt me--not his goal, at least. His goal was to GET THAT PHONE AT ALL COSTS, and it just didn't enter his temporarily deranged mind to care that he was hurting me. In ten years of suffering every hurt and disgrace that bipolar disorder has to offer--from serial cheating and hardcore drug use during the early, unmedicated time, to alcoholism, to identity theft (yes, it had happened before, and was the impetus for the great depressive state that preceded the fateful ECT treatment), to spending us into poverty, all the while lying, lying lying... he has never, ever put a hand on me in violence. Never. I believe that just amplified my shock with what was going on.

Ultimately, being much stronger and way less sick than me, Alex managed to get my phone away from me, and just as I'd feared, proceed to bust it up. From my vantage point on the floor, I spotted a house phone, and crawled to it and dialed 911, as Alex ran to the kitchen. I suspect that his intention was to disable the land line, but he denies this, and I certainly can't prove it. At any rate, my call connected, and a sheriff's deputy was dispatched. I stayed on the phone with the dispatcher until he arrived. From this point on, Alex was remarkably calm, while I was near hysterical. My life as I knew it had just ended. We told our stories (which differ distinctly, big surprise), and to my amazement Alex did not get arrested/hospitalized, which is what I was hoping for. Apparently I didn't get battered ENOUGH during this scuffle to get the kind of marks that count as "evidence." The fistful of hair and corresponding bald patch? Nope. Heck, I coulda done that myself, amirite? Anyway, since he couldn't make Alex leave (and Alex certainly wasn't going to do something that gallant on his own), while the deputy waited, I went upstairs and woke Bella, who had, amazingly, slept through the whole thing (tender mercies), and we packed up fast and got out of there.

In the interest of equal time, I will share Alex's version of last night's events, as posted in his Facebook Notes, and he is, of course, free to comment here:

"I went to bed early, about 10:00pm, after waking me up three different times and leaving the light on it was 2:00am, I decicided no on[e] needed to be online at 2:00am, so I unplugged the internet. She threatened me by saying she was, cut off from the world, and was going to call everyone she knew, at 3:00am, and tell them I had unplugged her precious internet until the following morning. She then said she was about to call my 83 year-old mother at 3:30am. This was a tipping point, I [took] her cell phone away. She bit me and threw a fit. She went crazy. She called the police, when empathized with me, and then she proceeded to wake up our child at 4:00am and leave. That is it. I am fine. I just wanted some sleep."

I can find three points in that account that are true: I did bite him (in self defense), I did call 911, and I did leave with our daughter. I can't help but giggle at the image of me biting him for no reason and "going crazy". If I wrote that version, I would've added that I was screaming, "HONEY BADGER DON'T CARE!!" the whole time. It's a very common bipolar defense (both internal and external) to cast the other person as "crazy," and if you've lived with or known a bipolar person for any length of time, you've no doubt experienced this. If you've hung in this long, brava for you, and it's way too late for me to say "long story short," but for now, I can leave it with the point that this is a marriage-ender. This is a line you do not cross, even in a fit of rage, even if you're manic, even if you're just a freaking lunatic. Hands on me for purposes of hurting = goodbye.

I am heartbroken. To think that after all the loving care I've given, all the struggles we've been through, my life-threatening illness, his life-altering illness, the endless fighting against all odds to stay alive and stay together and bring a beautiful, amazing child into the world...it can be over that fast, just because of selfishness and lies and misdirected anger. To think that we made it just long enough to get those negatives from our wedding photographer for free. To think of not just what I've lost by losing this marriage now, but what I lost by being IN this marriage for as long as I was.

The true heartbreaker is this: I have never, for one moment, stopped loving Alex. Never. I don't suppose I ever will. But I'm sitting here now watching this amazing, silly, brilliant, beautiful, wonderful little girl dive for rings in the pool where we're staying, and I know that my job now is all about her. And extra sadness for the fact that her beloved father will no longer be a daily part of her life. They love each other without reservation, and Alex is very good with her (though I don't leave them alone if I can help it, because he kind of "forgets" she's there sometimes)...the way I wish he was with me. Let me repeat: he is an amazing dad--at least supervised, he is. I dread having to tell her that we won't ever live with Daddy any more.

Now something I swore I'd never do, and I hate it, but: we left with nothing but a quarter tank of gas and a $20 bill. My paycheck, which was deposited Friday, was devoured by Alex's overdraft charges down to less than $100. The electric company is shutting off power at the house because of the $354 overdue bill that Alex told me he "took care of" weeks ago. In short, Bella and I are busted, with no way to get through the next two weeks until payday. It hurts to tell an 8 year old who's read every Harry Potter book at least three times and has been waiting for HP7 part 2 since the second HP7 part 1 was over that no, we can't afford to go see it at the Saturday matinee, even though I promised we would, because the Friday payday money is gone already.

I'm putting out the tin cup. If you have a couple dollars to spare (please nothing large that will make me cry or embarrass me), and are so inclined to send it via PayPal to ninjapoodles@gmail.com, I will somehow, someday, karmically (that's when karma tells jokes) repay the kindness, or pass it along to others. I'm 98% sure that I have it secured so that no one else can get into it.

In closing, let me say I don't want hate directed toward Alex. He needs help. More help, ultimately, than I can give.

Finally, I love you guys. You have no idea how much you get me through.

55 comments:

  1. Belinda, we used to chat on Petfo a million years ago and I've kept up with your blog since then here and there. I am SO sorry to hear about this - you clearly did the right thing to keep you and your daughter safe. All of my thoughts and good wishes are with you - be careful.

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  2. It's like my brother has said to me many times: "I don't get John Mayer. Who on earth would ever want to slow dance in a burning room."

    Take care of yourself, honey. You'uns is survivors.

    ps: You know what Honey Badger gonna eat for the next 2 weeks? COBRA.

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  3. I don't think I've ever commented, but I've followed your blog because I grew up with a mom who is bipolar. It's not as bad for me now, since I moved a few states away, but my dad is still there and my sister has kids. The line that hit me the hardest was the part where the bipolar person tries to make everyone around them seem like they are the crazy ones. My mom did that so well. Oh, so well. She somehow had her psychiatrist convinced that my dad, my sister, and I were also all bipolar (we aren't) and that the problems my mom had weren't her problems, but ours. I guess I didn't realize how common that is, because it made me tear up and remember lots of those times.

    I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this, and I wish I had something for PayPal to send to you. I don't, but I could probably send some gift cards I have, if they would help. What grocery stores and places to buy the items you need do you have in your area? Also, do you have a safe PO Box or somewhere else safe to send those types of things?

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  4. Paragraph 3 hit home particularly hard. I can't count the number of times people asked me, and then proceeded to LECTURE me about the evils of giving in to the crazy. I KNOW....but in that moment, you have to. I totally get it.

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  5. AGAIN, GOD BLESS YOU AND BELLA,,,, AND I AM SO SORRY... NOT PITY...SORRY.... I HAVE SEEN HOW HARD YOU HAVE WORKED TO MAKE ALL OF THIS WORK AND BE LIVE-ABLE. jzh

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  6. I'm completely sick after having read that. I don't even know what to say. I have no doubts that you love Alex and that he loves you, but you're right- that is a marriage-ender. And Bella will be ok, I promise. I know...I WAS Bella. I am so, so sorry this is happening. If you need me to take some pups for awhile you know I will in a heartbeat (and love it). Love you.

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  7. Belinda,
    Oh hunny. Let's compare notes. I can empathize, sympathize, and every other "ize". I was in a relationship with a man who promised me everything under the moon, and delivered nothing. I believed him so much though that we got engaged, got pregnant and fortunately didn't get married. He wanted to, begged me to, but something in the back of my mind said it wasn't right. Through the drugs and alcohol abuse and stealing my debit card to pay for said alcohol and drugs and erroneous stupid crap (i.e. a fish tank, PS3)I still loved him and thought it would get better, right up until the time he threw a 30 lb. bag against my 6 and a half month pregnant belly, and grabbed me and threw me into a wall. So hunny, I know in a sense what you went through, and still are going through. Through the lies, deceit, manipulation, and the hurtful things said and done. Know that I am here anytime you want to talk. I'm only a email away, and we can exchange numbers through a PM. I want you to know you're not alone. You will make it through this. I now have a beautiful, happy, loving and my whole world of a daughter because of that man, and frankly I wouldn't have changed anything I had to go through to receive her. She truly is a gift from God. Chin up and keep your spirits high, you still have a long road to hoe, but it doesn't have to be alone.

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  8. Bella WILL be okay. My kids are okay. In fact, they are doing much better away from all the constant drama. I'm still dealing w/ some of the repercussions of the time they spent IN the drama, but now that they're away from it....sooo much better.

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  9. I know you did your best and it came to a point where you needed to keep you and Bella safe. I grew up with a BPD mom and ADHD dad. Your story rings very true as to the pattern of behaviors, especially the "Why ME?!" I am glad you two got out safely. XOXO

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  10. Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you and Bella. I hope you're safe where you are. Am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  11. Anyone who has read anything you've written about Alex has to know how much you love him and how much you care about his well-being. You have done more and given more and put up with more than anyone should ever have to do. I am broken hearted for all of you but so freaking proud of you for standing up.

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  12. Reading along with you -- I wish I could help you more.

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  13. Honey love, my ears are yours whenever you need them.

    For that matter, my Kansas home is yours too, if that could be a help.

    Whatever the "truth" of the altercation is -- and I deem you the most reliable narrator in this tale -- in the end you have done what is wisest for you and your precocious, darling daughter.

    Be strong in your faith and know that you have more prayers than God might deem likely on your behalf. But sometimes love is *not* enough. Watch Paypal for the scanty bit I can spare from the utility bills, and know that I love you and will do for you whatever I am able.

    Don't hesitate to ask, love. Your many friends stand ready to help in any way they can, and of course, that includes me.

    xoxo,
    r

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  14. Oh, Belinda, I've only rarely commented in the past, but always read you. I've known what was coming, due to having bipolar's in the family. I'm so sorry you and Bella have to go through this. I'm sending something by Paypal. Not too much, but what I can spare. Be blessed, and be at peace. You've done all you can. It's time.. I'll be praying for you.
    Jean

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  15. This is the first time I've read your story and I sit here with open tears. My mom is manic...that's all I can say. I want to wrap my arms around you, instead I will wrap my heart and prayers. <3 I'll be sending you what I can via Paypal tonight.

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  16. I have no financial help I can offer, but I just emailed you a voucher for two free movie tickets via Fandango and Groupon. It is all paid for you just need to redeem it.

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  17. I'm sorry I'm such a tech-doof. To send money via PayPal, do I click on the DONATE button on your blog page? Are you certain that the money will get to you and that Alex can't intervene? Would it be better to send a check? Please advise.

    I've known this day was coming and am so glad that you (and Bella) got out without being hurt worse. I hope that you are in contact with a domestic violence resource center where you can get support, and information on what to do next. Sending love, prayers, money, and anything else you need.

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  18. I'm in tears because I have lived most of my life with a bipolar person. My mother, my sister, and now my son. I know that many times I have thought to myself, "If Belinda can do it, than I can too." Your love for Alex was solid as a rock. I would read about how much you sacrificed to make him better. You did everything you could, but fighting the beast is too hard. A daily chiseling away at your own resolve so you do occasionally give into the insanity just to lower the volume. I live it every day. I live with the constant lying, identity theft over and over, stealing, and a complete lack of respect for me and my things. I'm there, and I've said it to, the laying of hands upon me is THE END. We've done the hospital and the aftermath of in house placement more times than I can count. Just like you and Alex have danced that crazy samba.

    You are doing the right thing for you, for Bella, and for Alex. He has to hit rock bottom again before he can dust off his pants and get help that so far has alluded him.

    Meanwhile, every day away from him means you have time to cleanse yourself of the crazy. To make sure that Bella is OK, and to learn to be happy again.

    I'm flat broke until the 3rd, but I'll send you something then. In the meantime, contact ModestNeeds.org and apply for help. Also, go to your local Jewish Family and Children's Services (YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE JEWISH) and they can help you with food, housing, therapy for you and Bella,m and other needed services. If I can help in any other way, you know how to find me. And I will foster a dog if you need.

    Love you as always.

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  19. Belinda,

    I used the button on your website and didn't realize until the end of the process that it went to an address other than ninjapoodles... hope it's still yours, still accessible by you, and that you and Bella get to see that movie and begin building a new life this week. You're in my prayers.

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  20. Belinda, you and Bella are in my thoughts tonight. And tomorrow, if I can get Paypal to cooperate I'll send you something to help get through the next two weeks.

    I'm in awe of your strength both in the past and today. Truly. Hang tight.

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  21. Oh, I'm really sorry that happened to you. Bella will be ok. You will be ok.

    I've dropped you enough for a movie but not enough to embarrass you :) And I hope you find some emergency welfare, through government/church/charity etc. I'm guessing you're locking down/opening new bank accounts and etc already so I don't need to nudge you into that? Police reports on the identity theft so that you don't become liable?

    *hugs* to you both.

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  22. My sister is bi-polar. She was supposed to be in a halfway-house/treatment facility, but somehow talked my mother into staying with her while she goes, like an in-patient, during the day. There is so so much crap that has happened over the years, my sister causing so much strife in our family, living with my mother, causing them to age more than their years, and me being too far to do anything about it. Your story has touched me, but I am concerned - I wish to donate, but are you sure he hasn't compromised your Paypal account?

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  23. I'm so sorry to hear about this, but completely understand after dealing with a BPD for 7 years. PLEASE be careful of hoovers, you know he can't and won't change, don't get sucked back in no matter what happens! Shoot me an email and I can mail a gift card for groceries (I really don't trust a bipolar not having access to your Paypal account, be careful!) File for protection for your daughter immediately, and don't be afraid to bring EVERY medical record regarding Alex to make sure he only has supervised access, you must file FIRST to get ahead in the legal game, your local women's shelter should be able to help with a restraining order. Seriously don't be afraid to take these steps, it seems mean, but you must protect Bella, don't wait.

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  24. Belinda,
    I know a little about living with a person suffering mental illness from my childhood. It can be a living hell for all in the household, who are held captive to the illness. I'm praying you and your daughter will be safe and your resolve to get yourself and your child out of this will not weaken. My blogging partner and childhood friend "C" is a family law attorney here in central Arkansas and I hope you will read her Feb. 6, 2011 post: C: Tragedy Sometimes Just Happens: It Just Does. It is a powerful story that I know you will relate to and hopefully strengthen your resolve to protect yourself and your daughter. You can contact us anytime through email on our blog!

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  25. Oh, Belinda, how devastating. I really do believe that you still love him and probably always will, but you did the right thing getting out of there and if you go back you and Bella will both be in danger. I am so sorry that it has come down to this. You did everything you could for him and much more than many people would do. I ache for you and Bella. And I ache for Alex, too. What a horrible disorder bipolar can be.

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  26. So darlin, looks like what I had assumed is the truth. Even if you had not had this violent altercation I think you know that there is no going back. Like I said to you before, it's clear you have been living in an abusive situation for some time. Whether or not Alex means to be abusive to you, his disease is abusive to you. And it's not enough that you love him because it's not enough that anyone loves him. You tried so very hard, nobody could have done more. It's got to be you taking care of you and Bella, and that's it.

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  27. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through.

    You are not alone.

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  28. Whoops, left that last comment from my phone and hit send before I meant to.

    I wanted to say that nobody wants to self-identify as a victim of domestic violence. Every victim I have ever personally known has been strong, capable, intelligent, and huge-hearted--the kind of person who believes she can handle it herself, the kind of person who believes abuse is not the core issue, the kind of person who believes in giving second and third and fourth chances because she is loving and giving and hopeful and strong. And in every single one of these cases, these women couldn't see the escalation while they were in it because deep down they didn't believe they were in an abusive situation.

    I'm not saying that's you. I don't know you at all, and I don't pretend to know what you are going through... All of this is just to let you know what I meant by "you are not alone," and that I'm so glad you listened to your gut and did what you needed to do to be safe. I know this is complicated, it is multi-faceted, it is painful, and there is no one-size-fits-all question or answer here.

    I just want you to know that I feel for you, and again, that you are not alone.

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  29. Just stumbled upon your post by way of someone on Twitter & sent you a tiny Paypal donation. I hadn't read your blog before, but I went through some similar stuff when I was too little to do much about it. I'm glad you're out, I'm glad you wrote about it, and I'm glad you're asking for help. You're in my prayers and if I am able to send more later, I definitely will.

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  30. Hello, love. Sent you a few bucks, wish it could be more. I'm so glad you are safe. xoxo

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  31. I'm so sorry, Belinda. I've read your blog for years and I know you love Alex. But like you said, hands on you for the purpose of hurting = goodbye. It just has to be that way, sad as it is. Sent you a little something in PayPal, sending you big love across the internets. xoxo

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  32. So sorry you're going through this, Belinda. I'm bipolar, but nowhere near The Beast you've described here over the years. You and Bella are in my prayers.

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  33. I am going to send you a donation. Can you please let me know if you get it? Look for a donation from me and my gmail address will be in the message..

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  34. I have been where you are. I lived with a man for more years than I care to admit who is bipolar, and everything in our life was my fault. Never his. I read this and my heart broke for you and for Bella. I know the road that you are walking right now is hard, and lonely and scarey, but you and Bella need time to regroup and see where life is going to take you from here. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

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  35. balls.

    i'll be sending moolah as soon as i can. you know i ran away from my house in the middle of the night, too. if you want to move to baltimore, we have a giant pool, an ice-hockey themed guest room with its own bathroom, and the johns hopkins. i wouldn't even be mad if the poodles ate the beagles.

    xoxoxo

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  36. Love you, hun. Sent a little something. Hope it helps.

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  37. Wish I had anything to send, anything at all. Thinking of you and hope that things work out for the best! How old is your little one?

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  38. I sent via your donate button..if you don't get it,can you let me know? I realize now the email was different...an aol address.

    What good is this experiment called social media if we can't ask for help when we need it?

    I hope that Bella enjoys HP7 and that she knows how very much she is loved. You are a GOOD momma, Belinda.

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  39. I've been in and out of blog world, but I've known you since 2005. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and I don't think I've ever said how much I really just enjoy who you are, for a lack of a better way of putting it. I am SO sorry to read this. My heart aches for you. You are courageous and your character is solid.

    I don't have much, but if you DM me your address or email it to anastacia.campbell AT gmail, I will send you a money order. I think that's the safest way of making sure he doesn't get it? That or a cashier's check?

    I'll be thinking of you, woman, and sending you hugs and donating whatever good karma I've earned. Know that you are strong and know that you are loved.

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  40. Hey lady. This is my first time commenting--or even reading--I just clicked over when I saw Suebob's post on FB. I don't have even a few bucks to spare, but what I do have is a helluva lot of empathy for your situation. I was married to a bipolar man for almost ten years, and getting out of that relationship is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, because yeah. They case YOU as the crazy one, and it's a total mindfuck how they can be choking you to death one minute and The Wounded Party Who Nevertheless Has Their Shit Together in front of the authorities the next. I didn't leave the first time that happened, and I should have. Because once that line is crossed...well, there's no going back, and it WILL happen again. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know--I KNOW--how much it sucks, but you absolutely did the right thing. If you ever need to talk about the mindfuck with someone who's been there and GETS IT let me know.

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  41. Belinda,

    I sent you something just now via paypal. It's not a lot, but I hope it helps.

    I've commented before, because my wife has bipolar. We're lucky -- the meds work and she's committed to taking them, but we're one random event away from where you are, and I know that. Pre-diagnosis and pre-meds was ... intense.

    I wish I could send love and hugs along the paypal corridor, but I'll just send them here.

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  42. My heart goes out to you and Bella. You made the right choice for both of you. I'm the proud step-mom of a boy whose bi-polar mother walked out of his life when she lost custody of him in the divorce when he was 7. He's 17 now, and after some challenges is doing very well. He's had minimal interference from his mom that mainly consists of promises that are never kept. He has learned to deal with the disappointment of wishing his mom were not broken. I try to reinforce that she loves him and isn't with him because she has a disorder that keeps her from functioning that way and not because of him.

    It might not feel like it now, but you will be ok and Bella will be ok. You've made the first, very difficult step of giving you and Bella the life you deserve and have earned. Keep your humor, because Honey Badger doesn't give a shit!

    Bethany

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  43. sent a little, please let me know you got it, not Alex

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  44. Came over from MFA Mama just to give you a little support. I am so glad you and Bella got out of there. If I had $$ I would send it; only have good wishes at this time.

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  45. Belinda, I first read the post above, then this one & I must say, my heart is in my throat, at least that's what it feels like. I've worried for so many years that something like this would happen. The good thing? You & Bella are both alive.
    As you know, I'm bipolar, but as I read, I found it interesting that Alex could transition from "the beast" to a composed husband so easily. My Ex could do that... he wasn't bipolar (I know Alex is) but he was abusive.
    As I read this I realized you have been abused for a LONG time. Just because it's not physical does not mean it isn't abuse. So familiar that you blame yourself repeatedly, things you could have done different & the outcome would have been different. Reading what you have put up with: stealing your medicine, selling it, out of control buying, isolating, controlling, verbal abuse, and now physical abuse. And the worst thing is what the police did not do, and I'm afraid that may only cause to further invalidate the reality of what's happening in your home.
    You & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers. Sending much love.

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  46. You are wonderful.

    You will be blessed.

    I have a very comfy spare bedroom and a willing six year old to play with your eight year old if you ever take to traveling around.

    I cook too.

    You always have a friend in Indiana.

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  47. Why would people with money problems have an ipad/cell phone with internet and computer?

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  48. Wow. Fail troll is fail.

    1. I do not have a smartphone.
    2. I already owned the Kindle and iPad BEFORE my husband robbed me blind. They were both actually gifts from him, likely purchased with credit cards taken out in my name. I'll know soon enough.
    3. My "money problems" are NOT permanent. As a matter of fact, now that I have legally separated myself from him financially, it's a pretty good bet that they're soon to be over. But the fact is that my soon-to-be-ex-husband spent our bank account SO far into the red that when MY last paycheck was deposited, it was immediately consumed by those overages, leaving the account STILL over $1K in the hole.
    4. If I'd had to, I'd have quickly sold any of those things, not that it would have gotten me far. Used iPad? Used 2year old ASUS laptop that cost $650 NEW? And "my" cell phone (no Internet connection) actually belongs to, and the service is paid for by, my employer. I wouldn't be able to sell the Kindle, since it's back at my home...that I am being kept from.

    But thanks for your concern. Hope this clears up any questions you might have about the ingenious scam I'm running.

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  49. Snerdley,

    You are not only a cunt, but a stupid cunt.

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  50. Quick, everyone give Snerdley a big standing ovation! I do believe we have found the one perfect person in the world who has ALL the answers to life's problems. Is that you, Jesus? Somehow I thought you'd be nicer.

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  51. Extravagant purchases made to date with my scammed funds: a book for Bella. Basic toiletries, panties and cotton sports bras for me. Food for both of us, and we did splurge on Cuties for Bella. Also, thanks to a Fandango gift, we did get to see Harry Potter. Just got back from the bank, and the news is still grim. Thanks to my friends, I know the mortgage is covered this month, and I can at least catch the electric bill up to date.

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  52. Holy moly. I just caught up. I'd been reading your FB but didn't know the story and couldn't piece together what was going on. I'm so sorry it came to this. Sending lots of love to you and Bella. xo

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  53. I want to make a donation, but when I click the button to donate it comes up as mishahouse@aol.com Is that correct? I don't want to be sending money to the wrong person.

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  54. Yeah, it's the same account...I have had it a LONG time, LOL!

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