Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Crying Time

So, in my new life, midnight is, apparently, crying time. I can't stop. I'm crying over things that haven't even happened yet, and things that are just impossible to fix. The overwhelming unfulfillable desire that's pretty much taking charge is "I WANT TO GO HOME." Because more than anything, I do. I want to go home. I want my husband back...the one that a good majority of this blog has been about over the years, the one from before the other night, in that INSTANT where everything went to hell. I just want to go home. The last time I felt this way, and cried this hard, the unfulfillable demand I was making of the Universe was, "I WANT MY DADDY BACK." That's how deep this hurts.

I'm not some hero who bravely and decisively "did the right thing" and then everything was great. I'm conflicted, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, and I'm homesick. Bella isn't yet, but she will be soon. Mostly right now, she wants to be where I am, though she's very worried about her dad. I'm worried about him. His family has shut me out, and I don't know if they're doing the same to him, but I wouldn't know, since they won't speak to me. I do know that he has nowhere to go. Nowhere. No one in his family will take him in. His only income comes from disability, and his health insurance is mine. And yet, we need for him to get out of the house for a bit, so we can get in.

I can't believe the three of us are not seeing the Harry Potter movie together. It's unthinkable. I don't know--maybe stuff like that wouldn't be so bad. It's in public, then we leave, and we don't have to speak at all, but Bella gets to spend fun time with her dad. I don't know. I don't know ANYTHING.

And here, I'm going to just go ahead and share the most shameful secret I have right now, right out there in public, because maybe someone else is at THIS decision point, and this could help.

That secret is that, deep inside, I am actually thinking to myself, "If I had just kept quiet about this and handled it in my own way, I could be at home right now." I could have us in separate rooms, leading civil but non-intimate lives together. I could have my financial information protected, and he would undoubtedly, at this point, give me complete control over all finances. I COULD BE HOME, AND NO ONE WOULD BE THE WISER. I could be surrounded by my dogs, looking out those big windows at my beautiful horses. I could be discussing that new med cocktail the doc put him on with my husband, and we'd undoubtedly be sharing some of our inside shrink-jokes, and things would SEEM normal. Almost. Curse it, it's canning season, and all my jars are there. So many tiny things that are ruined, and these combine into one colossal, painful, longing for the impossible.

So there it is. I know it can't be, but I can't make it not be what I wish for, in my heart of hearts. I want to go home. I just want to go home to a different life.

23 comments:

  1. Oh honey! There's nothing I can think to say to that, only big hugs to send through the ether...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Me, either - I don't know any words to ease your hurt. Sometimes when I acknowledge my reality I just think, how did this happen? How did this become my life? All I can say is that you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Bella needs you. And because of that, you will find the strength. Keep reaching out for the help that you need. Much love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Melissa Bindert from Facebook. I wish that life was different now than it is for you. I hate that life is what it is. I wish for peace for all of you. So sorry. So, so terribly sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. 1. NONE of this is your fault.
    2. Please do not let anything diminish what happened the other night. Just because physical abuse has only happened once, doesn't mean it won't happen again. If you stay with the man, it's pretty much a guarantee that will just be the 1st time.
    3. I know your house is your home & you love it dearly, but nothing can replace the health & safety of you & Bella.
    4. PLEASE find someone, somewhere that offers help to domestic abuse victims & accept whatever help they offer.
    5. I know this may seem harsh, but while she may have a wonderful relationship with her daddy, remember she is being taught what "normal" is, and as she gets older she may end up in a relationship like this.

    I hope you know me well enough to know that everything I've said here, I say out of love & concern. Since I don't have a blog anymore, if you want to email me, you can @ insanelyjane@gmail.com.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What you live, you learn.
    What you learn, you practice.
    What you practice, you become.

    I know what it feels like to want to go home. Trust me, living as separate people in one household does NOT work

    ReplyDelete
  6. I understand the wanting, the needing to go home. I learned it well in 5+ months in the hospital. The problem is, home is not always the best of safest place to be at the moment when you want it the most. Bide your time, enjoy the little moments when the realization dawns that you are smiling instead of cringing, and when the time is right, you will get to go home. As always, keeping all 3 of you and the pets in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You and Bella and your dogs and your jars and even Alex will be some version of OK. Or at least as much as is in your control. Right now you can care for you and Bella. If you need to get into the house and get those pups you can get the police on your side (I get the feeling you + your momma + your sister could be mighty persuasive). But you can't care for someone who won't let you, or who will harm you. Right?

    ReplyDelete
  8. speaking of fathers, dad used to keep a little saying clipped to the vent in his truck. It read, "This too shall pass."

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know what that's like. The "If only I had said/done this instead" and may be that wouldn't have happened feeling. Truth is, you cant do that to yourself. Its hard. It sucks. But no matter what, things transpired the way they did because of his mental instability at the moment. Eventually this would have happened because he made that choice. You could not have prevented this. Don't beat yourself up over something that was unpreventable. The best thing you did was get away and make your self and Bella safe. And continue to make sure it stays that way. You are a bright light and should not have your light dimmed, or diminished. You have spent way to much time devoted to the safety and copacetic household.
    Now is the time for you and Bella. Be selfish. Its way past time. Do something to make the two of you happy. Go to the park, take a walk together, paint. Be active. Love and hugs!
    Katie

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ohhhhh, dear sweet Belinda. Your ache is so palpable and my heart hurts in sympathy. I usually wish there was a way to turn back the clock, but I do think you have made all the right decisions for you and Bella at this time (and Alex, too.) Sending you strength, tons of attagirls, and a little something for your PP account to see you through.
    Hugs to you!
    Barb

    ReplyDelete
  11. I second what Jane said. The regret and wanting to be "home" is absolutely normal, but you have to be tough and break the cycle -- even if this is the first revolution. Call a hotline or talk to someone who deals with domestic issues. Don't think that you're "not abused enough" to deserve help - EVERYONE DESERVES HELP. And don't let negative thinking creep in and scare you away - help is all around you and it's FREE. Go to a women's group - even AA or NA. Those people will help you, they honestly will. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Belinda my heart aches for you. Those who have commented already have offered a lot of wisdom. This is not going to feel good, probably for a long, long time to come. Matter of fact you will be miserable at times. That is why you have to take it a day at a time, even a minute at a time till you get through this. You have so much to mourn, but there is joy awaiting you and Bella on the other side of this and in times on the way to the future too. Will life be different? Yes. Will it be better for you all? Yes. Alex is never going to reach out and attempt to make any real changes as long as he knows you will tolerate and care for him and his illness. His welfare is not your primary business though, he is an adult with choices. Bella on the other hand has no choices and you must be her advocate as well as your own. Grace will get Alex through this somehow, and you as well, but it cannot be together, not now, maybe never again. You cannot accept physical abuse, not even once, no way no how. There are no reasons good enough, it is simply not acceptable. Support groups and many of the friends and other people responding to you will help you gain perspective in time. Meantime, we grieve for and with you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Unfortunately... "home" just got unsafe. And although it will be painful and not anyone's fault etc. etc. safe has to trump the coulda/shoulda beens.

    It's okay to mourn that loss. I am sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What everybody else said. My fear is that next time it won't just be your hair. I shutter to think if he would have had something in his hand when we went and attacked you. And even more scary, what if you daughter would have woken up and seen all of it? Definitely call the domestic abuse hotline or a local shelter. They will talk you through your next steps. And it is perfectly normal to grieve for the life you want back.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I agree, this is normal.. CALL THE HOTLINE!! They have seen and heard it all, and can advise you better than we can. But you know they're right.. it's only the FIRST time. Unless he gets much better, probably in an inpatient setting, you can't go home.. make him leave. Bella needs to see him, but warn her he will seem perfectly all right. He's being the "calm, normal" one right now. Don't let that stay that way. Make sure you three are not alone together. Tell him he needs to leave so you can go get things, and you don't want to involve the police or courts, yet. Take people with you.. DO NOT GO ALONE!
    And, if you decide to go home, even if we feel you're wrong, we'll still support you, and care about you, and listen and care when it happens again. Cause you know it will. He's not sorry, or wanting to change anything. He's trying to make you doubt that it was that bad, and doubt that it would have happened if YOU hadn't gotten angry and "fought" him. And all the other shit he's throwing around.
    Then make sure the animals are cared for, because he won't, and make the court give you the house, during this separation, so you can care for them. Get some of your stuff so you can do some things, and grieve for your old life, grieve for your husband, grieve for your child's lost innocence. Grieve til you can't anymore. Then start moving ahead. You don't know what God will do with Alex.. it may turn out better, but you don't know that, so just stay safe and teach Bella that you NEVER have to take violence for any reason. Don't teach her to let others hurt her if she loves them.
    HUGS,
    Jean

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lots of wisdom here--Please don't go back alone. Listen to Jane and what Jeankfl said about how to proceed, I'm praying you take her advice. I know the urge to return is powerful, but the next time WILL be worse. Don't go to the house alone!

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is the hardest time, the beginning of finding a life for you and Bella. You have to take care of both of you. Please do not go back there alone. Please have a neutral third party go with you to get whatever things that the two of you need. And it is never okay for anyone that loves you to put their hands on you in any form of anger. Take the time to grieve for what you are losing but you are now teaching your daughter what a strong woman you are to draw that line and show her what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Better for her to have a quiet, and peaceful home with one parent, than the possibility of a repeat of what you faced the other night.

    Hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  18. i'm crying for you. don't go back.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I did not realize until today when I was looking at facebook after an absence. I am glad that you have so many friends on here to talk to and that you have your family. If you ever need a safe place I am here for you. All my meditations and prayers will be sending compassion your way. Love you. Email me if you wish too.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hang in there, and don't go back. Not now. I'm separated from my husband who is bipolar, borderline personality, etc. and that is because similar things were happening with us... the post about him wrestling the phone from you made me cry, because I was there... but it was less violent (ie, I still have all my hair...), but I left the next day when he was admitted into a mental/rehab hospital for a week. I almost went back when he was discharged, but my family and friends helped me realize that no, that is the worst thing to do. Its been 7 months, and he is by himself. We still share insurance, but he is forced to feed himself, work, etc. Your being gone could be the best thing for him. STAYING in that home and ALLOWING the bad habits he has allowed himself to fall into (you can't always blame the illness... he still makes choices, ultimately) is not LOVING him the most that you can. Staying away and forcing him to evaluate his life, his choices, his lack of self-responsibility, even with a mental illness that can, at times, be debilitating, is the best way that you can love him. It is the best way you can love yourself an Bella. You have to take care of YOURSELF to be able to love the best way that you can. Its scary. Its tough (understatements!) but it IS doable. Do cry. Do FEEL. DO find a therapist/advocate who works with this kind of situation primarily. Find a support group. Those resources have gotten me through so much. I believe that your husband probably has the "Good Alex" somewhere deep inside him. For me, that's the hardest part... Because I feel like I am deserting the good husband and leaving him to fight the bad one on his own. But, you can't change him... he has to make the effort to wrangle The Beast and cage it. You don't have to file papers or rush into anything now. Just sit tight. Give yourself the time you need to process, etc. Pray, even, if you feel so inclined.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am so very sorry.

    PayPal has been sent your way.

    Also? Prayers, good thoughts and COURAGE. You are doing the right thing.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Belinda--just thinking about you tonight- I hope you will hop over to Brenda's blog at www.cozylittlehouse.com and read her powerful post today (7-26-22). Don't lose your resolve to do everything in your power to protect yourself and your child.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am so very sad for you. And what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Is there some professional you can call to guide you through the next steps? My heart is with you & Bella, and Alex too. I do hope he gets the help he needs. xoxo

    ReplyDelete