Sunday, February 01, 2009

Live-Blogging The Stupor-Bowl! Really!



Started off by attempting to get here via "globber.com." That's got to be a good omen. Yeah...I've been away a while.

Commercial: OK, right off the bat, Doritos' "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" commercial laid me right out on the floor laughing.

Oh, man, Journey still sucks SO HARD. I hate them soooooo much, I do. I have no idea of the identity of Young Native American Steve Perry, but he's not helping. The sucking, it still goes on and on and onnnn AND OOOOONNNNNN.

Is Bruce still The Boss? I don't know who runs the day-to-day operations. I think he just named Coldplay as his successor, though I can't be sure. Costas just explained "omerta" to everyone. Why do I feel like he's a tool? I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I forgot to apply a fresh hormone patch today, because, hello? CRANKYPANTS.

Watching Larry Fitzgerald warm up. If he had on a tutu instead of those shorts with that ensemble, he would look like the baddest ballerina on the planet.

If we're going to have to relive forty-leven other stuporbowls during the breaks, I am not going to last long before I strangle on my own drool.

How many Mannings are there? Are there more? Someone tell me now if there are. I've had enough Mannings. Did I mention CRANKYPANTS?

OK, so, this is...the Tough Guys Saying Tough Things Cliche Montage? I love men. Testosterone makes you silly.

Commercial: If "Medium" is coming back this season stronger, faster, better...does that mean she'll finally be a "Large?"

Jay Leno on the NFL. Thanks for nothing, NFL. Geez, I can't stand watching or listening to Jay Leno.

Yeah, I think it's time for the hormones.

Or Obama! Turns out that works just fine. Lauer-Obama interview. Nice. Thank God--literally, THANK GOD--this is our president. How comforting it is simply to listen to him make small talk, and to know how smart, capable, and level-headed he is.

Commercial: Yep, the e-Trade talking baby is still funny to me. "Shankopottamus." HA.

I'm being noticeably weakened by this eternal pre-game show. I think I'm going away until it's REALLY game time.

I think it constitutes some sort of football-based blasphemy to be leafing through the latest copy of Mother Earth News while the Super-Bowl is on. Oh, well.

Sportscaster: "Ben Roethlisberger has very unique feet." Well, NO, HE DOESN'T. He has unique feet? OK, sure. 'Unique' = 'one of a kind.' You can't be more the only one of something than being THE ONLY ONE of something. People who get paid huge amounts of money for talking on my TV should not use words unless they know what they mean. Just saying. No one is "very" unique. The end.

The hormones should kick in any minute now. But right now? I want Keith Olbermann and Tiki Barber to go up into that press box and clear it out, and just call the whole game themselves.

Wow, Chris Collinsworth has a whole lotta forehead. I know, I'm still annoyed with him for teaming up with Costas to try and wreck my Olympics-viewing experience.

HEY, here we go! The teams are actually entering the field. Can anyone tell me how we, as sports fans, began the decidedly odd tradition of waving dishrags around at sporting events? I can't remember this happening before I was college age.

Walter Payton Man of the Year Award goes to Kurt Warner. Montage illustrates that obscenely highly-paid professional athletes contribute charitably to their communities. Maybe they should give ethics lessons to Wall Street.

Faith Hill sings. What, you think I'm gonna snark on Faith Hill? Lady's got pipes.

Sully the hero pilot gets props! Good deal.

Jennifer Hudson, anthem. My guess is 62. She adds 62 superfluous notes to the traditional anthem, is my bet. Or higher. Anything above 62, I win. OK...I missed the new-note count, but she did end on a totally different note than is written, so that counts. She's got serious chops, and gets bonus points for getting big tough football boys all choked up.

Commerical: G.I. Joe movie? Dennis Quaid is G.I. Joe? Or is this the version where "G.I. Joe" is actually a unit consisting of many people? Does it matter?

Let me get this straight: We're 26 minutes in, and just now getting to the coin toss? I've always suspected that football causes odd stretches in the space/time continuum. Petraeus tosses. Wait--shouldn't he be, I dunno, overseeing something somewhere? Also, in some attic somewhere, there is a portrait of an aging Lynn Swann, because, DANG. Dude looks GOOD.

No one who looks anything like Kurt Warner has ever bagged MY groceries. What's up, Kroger?

Commercial: Smashing Pumpkins are selling Hyundais now? Wait, what?

Story from my past regarding Vince Lombardi: Years and years ago, my best friend David got some really nice Louis Vuitton luggage, and I infuriated him for months on end by always referring to the logo as "Vince Lombardi" instead. The end.

Judging from my husband's bellowing, something good just happened. Apparently there's a game being played in between all the commercials. Alex has promised to run the DVR back for me if there's an extremely repeat-worthy play today.

John Madden just said "penetration" 5 times in once sentence. I am not even kidding.

Commercials: NBC makes internet/text lingo joke, 10 years too late.
Bud Light tossing-guy-through-office-window spot FAILS.
Audi scores, because, well, Jason Statham.
Nostalgic/patriotic/whatever from Pepsi.
"Angels and Demons," because "The DaVinci Code" didn't suck ENOUGH, apparently.
Jack Black and Michael Cera just lost 65% and 90% of their credibility, respectively.

Score is now 3-0, Pittsburgh. Lots of chest-thumping going on. I love men.

First quarter is over! WOW, this goes a lot faster when you're blogging!

Potato-Heads commercial for Bridgestone plays on hip, current theme of nagging, back-seat-driving wife. Way to keep up with the times, Bridgestone! Maybe you can run this spot during "The Honeymooners!"

In other news, Vin Diesel still, apparently, exists. And is up to NO GOOD, making more fast and/or furious crap.

Wow, Castrol, you just flushed 3 million dollars!

Holy objectification, Doritos (have you guys hired the geniuses behind the AXE ads?) and GoDaddy. Ouch. DANG. Danica Patrick escorts American women one step forward, ten steps back. Oh well, Doritos, you can always fall back on the hilarity of guys hurting each other and smashing stuff.

Speaking of gender issues, Pepsi is marketing a diet soda for men? Wha--? Oh, well. Men like seeing other men get hurt! WIN!

I think there was a cameo by a Rocky Horror character in that last Budweiser spot. Seriously. See? I don't know how many Budweiser Clydesdale ads we're gonna get this year, but so far, these aren't great--the stick-fetching one was just plain weak.

You know, I like Will Ferrell as much as anyone, but I'm sorry, the success or failure of this project relies solely on the quality of the sleestaks.

Oh, the ball game. Yeah...looks like 10-7 Pittsburgh, with 6 minutes left in the half. Meanwhile, Pedigree's "Maybe you should get a dog" adoption-drive spot ROCKS.

Hey, turns out we needed MORE STAR TREK! Who knew? Oh, and I forgot about that Toyota ad earlier. Apparently, the Venza looks like your face, so you should buy one. Now.

Bud Light continues its lame "drinkability" series. Can someone explain to me how "Hey, this liquid beverage is totally drinkable!" is a selling point? I mean, can you imagine a restaurant aggressively marketing its food as "edible?" I am obviously not cut out for advertising. Still, bonus points for using Conan O'Brien in that earlier spot. Speaking of "drinkable" things, how come Gatorade, with all their money, can't come up with anything better than this?

On the other hand, the Teleflora ad with the boxed flowers that say, "No one wants to see you naked" did make me laugh, right at the end. At least it was better than H&R Block's lame "Death and Taxes" spot. Death. Does his taxes. GET IT? It is subtle, no?

You tell 'em, Hyundai. We are really socking it to the international automakers, no? No. I didn't think so.

Good heavens, there's Jay Leno again. Do we have to keep looking at him? Oh, see, he's driving one of his 8,472 sports cars, and its license plate says, "FALL." Which, I'm sorry, I glanced at and saw "FAIL," and I'd bet everyone else who uses the internet more than a half-hour a week flashed on the same word.

I think John Madden just said that Pittsburgh has "an ethnic backfield." That can't be right, can it? Still 10-7, still in the first half. Football is LONG.

Yes, Cheetos, we get the whole "karmic justice" angle...except that's not what this is. This ad campaign of yours is telling us what, that when people act like total nozzles, we should just be double-nozzles back at them? I don't buy it. Or Cheetos.

Better than a talking baby? Two talking babies. I guess. I admit I'm not exactly tough on the talking babies. They crack me up.

Still looking forward to "Up," but wishing Disney-Pixar could've given us a little more of a peek. Additionally, "Monsters vs. Aliens," from Dreamworks, looks fun, and leads me to wonder just how much 3-D we're gonna be subjected to in upcoming months.

LOOK OUT--it's the first Alex-mandated replay of the evening! Interception by James Patterson? What? That can't be right--he's busy writing those fairy-tale-titled murder mystery novels. Oh, wait, maybe it was Harrison. Alex likes it when defensive linemen get to score big. So, "something" finally happened. 'Nother touchdown + field goal, and the score stands at 17-7.

HALFTIME! And the part of the game where the talking heads explain fundamentals to me, such as the fact that the team who scores the most will win the game. Thanks, guys.

I just have this to say about the SoBe 3-D commercial. I would happily watch NFL players dance around in UnderArmour ALL DAY LONG, so please point me to the standard HD version of this commercial, OK? Ah, asked and answered--here we go!

It's not new, but the commercial where roadies run the world? I love it. Even if it is Sprint-Nextel.

Halftime shows are kinda...I dunno...tragic. I don't really wanna see Springsteen reduced to this.

NBC's ads have been pretty lame tonight (3-D! 3-D! 3-D!), but the Heroes + Favre spot was pretty cute.

I'm a little confused as to why, given the state of current events, Toyota would use their Super Bowl ad buy to show us giant gas-guzzling trucks pulling heavy loads up a steel spiral...that is on fire. Toyota? Um, you're just about the only automaker doing business in this country that has your head above water right now, and that ain't because of your truck sales.

Can the stadium not find any more current music than Ozzie Osbourne's "Crazy Train?" What's going on, NFL? Oh, yeah...the game's back on, and the talking heads have now had time to gather enough data to bludgeon us senseless with statistics for the next two hours.

All right, fine, I admit it--I laughed out loud at that stupid Bridgestone ad with the dancing astronauts. I think it was the song choice that did it to me--I mean, come on, who among us isn't a slave to Marky Mark and/or his Funky Bunch? And I LOVE the Coke commercials that are adapted from video games. This latest one isn't as good as the Grand Theft Auto-based one from last year, though. That one was my favorite. But why are they referring to it still as "Coke Classc? Didn't they just announce recently that the "Classic" tag is being retired?

Clydesdale commercial #3, again weak. I hate to break it to all the fans of anthropomorphized horses, but "three generations ago?" It is to laugh. There have been 20 generations of Clydesdales in this time frame, at least.

All of a sudden, here in real life, it is pouring down rain (I know, as opposed to all the other things it could be pouring down). In buckets. I told Alex it was raining. He looked at me funny. I said, "Can't you hear it raining?" He asked, "Is it raining?" and I said, "Either that or our house is on fire." And that is the funniest thing that's happened in our actual life tonight. You're welcome.

Holy crap--first Vin Diesel, now The Rock, also apparently still working. I THOUGHT OBAMA WAS GOING TO FIX STUFF LIKE THIS!

On TV, something has gone HORRIBLY WRONG with our reception. Is it a transmission problem from the network, or a DirecTV problem? We have no idea. Ah, there. Fixed. Guys are still running around and falling down, without going anywhere, a lot, looks like. Whew.

Hmm...somewhere, some more points were scored just now. Or several minutes ago. I have no idea. Score's now 20-7. Also, somehow, another Transformer movie got made. Seriously, did we need that, Shia?

FIRST LAUGH OUT LOUD FOR SEVERAL MOMENTS EVENT OF THE NIGHT Award goes to CareerBuilder.com. I can't begin to describe it, but if you watch it, it's the guy walking by and saying "Hi, Dummy" that does it. Alex held it together until the koala got punched.

And that pastoral Coke ad was pretty good, too...with all the bugs? Yeah. Like you need Coca -Cola. You also do not need Frosted Flakes, but they will help build parks for your kids if you buy their cereal, which will help make your kids too sluggish and fat to play sports in the parks. Not sure I'm following the logic on that one. If they were helping to buy your kids video games, sure...

John Madden: "Nickel, nickel, nickel defense, nickel offense, blitz, nickel, nickel." Remaining talking heads have obviously decided the outcome of this one, because they're spending a whoooole lot of time talking about each other at this point. Hey, I just looked up and saw a fumble. Woo-hoo.

Wishing I had started keeping score at the beginning of the game, counting how many times an announcer says, "This is the Super Bowl."

Looks like you're gonna need 3-D glasses to read the paper in 2009.

Holy everloving snorting grasshoppers--Ed McMahon and MC Hammer are shilling for cash4gold.com, which apparently shelled out $3mil for an ad buy. I am just...this is simply wrong on so many levels, that I can't even now remember the Coke "Mean Joe" homage ad I just saw. Cash4Gold! Where we'll buy your gold for 25%-35% of its actual pawnable value! Can't beat that! With a stick! And while we're on the topic of suspension of disbelief, here's a gem: The ladies love some Taco Bell, fellas.

Hey, another touchdown just happened. So now the score is 20-14, with a million and a half or so years to go. And that Alec Baldwin Hulu.com ad was really creative. And with a lot of punch around here: "What are you going to do, turn off your TV and your computer? HAHAHAHA." Indeed. Let's hear it for "cerebral gelatinizing" television programming. And then they scoop it out with a melon-baller and gobble it right on up.

Football is still happening, and I swear there's the same exact time on the clock that there was a half hour ago.

Commercial with kid scooping up a jarful of air, to illustrate GE's wind energy initiative...I thought for sure it was gonna be an ad for the Keeling curve...though I'm not sure who would've sponsored that. You know, because of the glass flasks he took up onto the volcano...oh, never mind.

MacGruber Pepsi spot gets points just for using the term "mouth-hole."

"5 minutes to go" in the game. STILL. Astonishingly, Hulu's servers have not failed for me one single time today. Kudos to them!

I want to see someone defend their roughness as "necessary." Although, it ain't gonna be THIS guy.

Hold the phone--something may have actually just happened in this game. All of a sudden the announcers sound like they care, and Roethlisberger looks mightily perturbed.

The problem I have with televised football is that, unless it's a passing play, by the time I figure out where the ball is, the play is over. And we have a ginormous TV in this room. No excuse for my old-lady eyes. And the score is now 20-16, because of something I totally missed while typing. WHOA--and we have an Arizona touchdown, putting them in the lead for the first time in the game, 22-20. And I care precisely as much as I did all during the time that Pittsburgh was ahead. Which is to say, lots.

This just in-- Football announcers are given to hyperbole. Here's the formula: "That [thing that just happened] might just be the [superlative superlative]est [thing like that thing that just happened] in the HISTORY OF FOOTBALL!" And someone squeezed in another point while I was having that revelation. 23-20, Arizona.

GoDaddy. Seriously. You're killing me here. Do you really not know what percentage of intense internet users are female? Really? Also, Danica? KNOCK IT OFF, Sister.

And here we go again--Santonio Holmes somehow wound up within the 5-yard line, so Pittsburgh could conceivably flip this thing again. 43 seconds to play, and...the pass is good. Alex is happy. 35 seconds left. This is the point in a football game where I start chanting, "Go, go, go, GO!" inside my head, but not for any particular team...I'm rooting for an end to the game. With no death, serious injury, or overtime.

27-23, Pittsburgh again. HOW MANY TIME-OUTS DO THESE PEOPLE GET? 22 seconds left to play, which is the real-world equivalent of 6.25 hours. Now it's down to 5 seconds. But it's taken 10 minutes to get there. 3...2...1.

Wow, that is a lot of confetti. Who cleans that up? OH NOES, the sad defeated boys camerawork! I hate this part! I am lousy with major sporting events, simply because someone has to lose. It's not nearly as painful in pro sports, though. The losers still get paid, right?

And now, we're done. Until next year, chumps! Actually, I'll most likely be doing this again for the Oscars. You're thrilled, I know.

19 comments:

  1. You are the second person today who(m?) I am welcoming back to the blogosphere. And this cracked me up:

    "Commercial: If "Medium" is coming back this season stronger, faster, better...does that mean she'll finally be a "Large?""

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  2. Hey! It was just the perfect opportunity. Bella has a gorgeous day to play outside (seriously, we're running the AC) and some "new" used books for later, Alex will of course be occupied, and I'll be bored out of my skull but required to sit here anyway. Works out, right?

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  3. I HATE the E*Trade babies...I really do.

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  4. Yeah, it's one of those campaigns you either love or hate, no in between. They slay me. Except the one where he's hitting on someone--that's just creepy.

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  5. I am so glad I'm not the only one who was perturbed by Madden's overuse of the word penetration. Makes me want to send him a thesaurus.

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  6. He doesn't use a lot of words, but by golly, when he picks one, he flogs it to DEATH!

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  7. So glad to see you are back! I was just snooping around yesterday wondering where you had gone for so long...

    I loved your commentary and definitely agree with your godaddy analysis (and your comment on "very unique" -- it drives me mad when people say that!)

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  8. Thanks! Good to be back. I didn't realize how often people said that until a friend on a chicken forum pointed it out, and since then, I seem to hear it ALL THE TIME.

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  9. We missed you! And this post? Hilarious. You weren't lying about the Oscars, were you? Because I have a feeling your commentary will be more entertaining than the actual broadcast.

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  10. The Coke ads were by a Portland Ad Agency. We are good at being creative here in Portland :)

    Also, I have been missing you.

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  11. I'm shocked you still gave Jack Black that much credit. He was pretty well shot in my book. But, yes, Cera is in bad shape right now, too.

    G.I. Joe is about the team. It's based on the 80s and beyond Joe material, not the stuff from my dad's childhood.

    Shankopottamus rocked!

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  12. So glad you did this as I didn't watch. I spent the time gardening and planting strawberries in planters. Nice to see you back, now to see if I can get started again.

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  13. Hannah, thank you! Yeah, I meant to do the Golden Globes, but things just weren't calm enough around here at the time. I hope Alex is feeling better by Oscar time, because it's about 10 times more entertaining for me with his participation.

    Rhi, stop it! You know that Portland calls to me. GAHH.

    Kevin, you have a point. And thank you for filling in the blanks for me so that I didn't have to go scouring comic-geek websites for G.I. Joe info! I'm not wrong, though, right? I mean, I HAD a G.I. Joe doll as a kid, and he was...a guy. A G.I. Named 'Joe.'

    Kim, strawberries ALREADY? Wow. Sometimes I forget where you live, but I bought Bella some of your Clementines this afternoon. ;-)

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  14. I'm watching the Superbowl with you next year. I learned that it's only ice cream in a bowl that can make it super.

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  15. HA! You are so right. I would hang out with you anytime, anywhere. You know, some of the best things in my life have come out of Indy.

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  16. Glad to see you back. Missed you out here in California.

    My boyfriend is out of the country until next week and he asked me to give him a re-cap of the superbowl commercials. I'm just going to have him read your blog! Thanks for doing such a great job summing it all up!

    Cecelia

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  17. Happy to be of service, Cecelia! I just read the exhaustive blow-by-blow ad coverage on consumerist.com, and they caught EVERYTHING. Be sure and check that out.

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  18. YAAYYYY, you're back. I was getting severe withdrawal symtoms...

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