Sunday, December 14, 2008

In Which I Am Forced Out Of Self-Imposed Blog Exile, OR, In Which I Show My Butt To Someone I Just Met

My life, of recent, has been miserable. I don't say that to garner sympathy, but to perhaps explain why I dropped off the face of the earth for several weeks, with no warning, and during NaBloPoMo, no less. I just didn't have it in me, you know? Don't get worried--I'm not depressed. I'm just miserable. There's a difference. The best thing that has happened is that my mom is finally recovered from her four hospitalizations and two surgeries, and has started her cancer-fighting drug regimen. YAY. I'll post more about that later.

Overall, I am just bone-weary. Emotionally exhausted. You know...miserable. I wasn't sure I'd ever journal again, because it was shockingly easy to abandon this effort. I mean, I just...quit. And I couldn't summon the energy to pick it up again. My internet presence has been limited to sporadic notes on Facebook and reading the forum posts at Backyard Chickens. But then two things happened this weekend, that, in a real, visceral way, forced me to write again. I think you'll understand.

One day, I noticed a post on BYC from someone whose posts I often read and enjoyed, looking for some young chickens to replace some that she'd lost. Then I noticed that the poster lived very near here. And being as I actually had a few Orpingtons to spare, I offered to sell her a nice trio (meaning two pullets and a cockerel), cheap. She took me up on the offer, I selected the birds for her, caught them and put them in a hutch for safekeeping, and we made arrangements for her to pick up the chickens the next morning.

So. This lovely young lady--we'll call her 'K.' to protect her privacy, as she has now been traumatized quite enough--was coming by this morning on her way to church to pick up the chickens. I knew what time she was coming, and she was right on time. Yet, I still overslept, and had only just hauled my carcass out of bed moments before my guest pulled into the driveway.

The night before, Alex and I had had a bit of a "rooster rodeo," in which some roosters that we'd moved to a new pen did not return home after free-ranging, and had to be rounded up one by one, after dark. I may have fallen down a time or two, I don't really remember. ANYWAY, after the roundup, I'd come in, slipped my jeans off, and laid them across a chair when I'd changed into my pajamas before dropping into bed last night.

So this morning, when K. pulled into the driveway, I was still in my "jammies", or pajama pants and a thermal underwear shirt. I thought, "Oh, I can't be such a slob as to go meet this nice lady for the first time in my pajama pants--I look bad enough with bed-head and no makeup..." and I very quickly shucked the pajama pants and slipped on the jeans I'd been wearing during the previous night's rooster roundup.

Without bothering to stop long enough to put on my underwear. I mean, I was only going to be out there a few minutes, right?

I'm sure you see where this is going.

So, I meet K. (who, by the way? ADORABLE!), chat a little, show her her birds in the hutch, then ask if she'd like to look around the place a little. I leaned in the front door and informed Alex that we were going around the back, and when I stepped back outside, this sweet lady who, I will remind you, I had just met for the first time, informed me that, um... the entire center seam of the seat of my jeans was ripped out.

I cannot even describe what I felt when I reached back there...well, emotionally, anyway, though it was in the neighborhood of "unbelieveably mortified." I COULD, however, describe what I felt tangibly, when I reached back there, but I'll spare you all. Traumatizing one innocent for life pretty much fulfills my quota for the day.

So, to sum up, K. is a delightful, sweet, and lovely person, who, to her immense credit, is capable of giving the appearance of being completely nonplussed by being on the receiving end of a Full Butt-Monty from someone she just met for the first time. If she ever invites you to play poker, I'd suggest you refuse, because the woman has an amazing poker-face.

As for me?

O HAI. NICE TO MEET U. MY BUTT-CRACK, LET ME SHOW YOU IT!

The following is a dramatic re-enactment, to tide you over until the Lifetime movie, "NOT WITHOUT MY UNDERPANTS" is released. The part of myself is played by the turkey in the center, and the part of K. is played by the small hen in the lower-right corner of the frame.

turkey bloomers

If you've recovered from laughing your head off at my expense (and I hope to goodness that at least a few of you were drinking some sort of beverage, which you consequently snorted through your nose), you may be thinking, "But Belinda, you said that TWO things happened this weekend which inspired--nay, 'forced'--you to write again, and you've only told us about one." To you, I say, WOW, you're really paying attention!

The other thing is that an Iraqi reporter CHUCKED HIS SHOES AT PRESIDENT BUSH DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE. Here's the video. I fully admit that my first reaction was to laugh my head off. OK, so I admit that I'm still laughing. Dude THREW HIS SHOES. At. The. President. You have to kind of love that on some level, right? And according to Iraqi sources, this was more of a deep, heartfelt insult than it was an actual assault attempt, the message being that the person on the receiving end of the shoe-chucking is considered to be of less worth than the dust from the shoe-chucker's feet, or something along those lines.

I will also admit, and not proudly, that, given the chance to chuck a shoe at G.W. Bush, with assurances that I would not be whisked away by Dick Cheney and extraordinarily renditioned to Gitmo, I would absolutely jump at the chance. As a matter of fact, I submit that this is a golden opportunity to recoup some of that bailout money. Picture it: Giant bake sale, kissing booths (though given the current politicians serving in Washington, that one might be tough to man), a dunking booth with Karl Rove, and a "quail shoot" (no live ammo, just paintballs--settle down) with Dick Cheney...all leading up to the main, high-dollar event: The George W. Bush Bon Voyage Shoe-Chuck. People would line up for MILES.

But back to serious discussion, here...what was up, during this incident, with the Secret Service detail? Did you notice that, at no time during the shoe-chucking did a single agent tackle Bush to the ground, or hustle him to safety? I mean, I thought that was pretty much SOP in situations like this--take the President out of the line of fire. But not only did W. have to duck, all on his own, he had to do it twice, because the shoe-chucker got off a second shot. Do you get the enormity of that? The guy threw BOTH his shoes, one at a time. While yelling insults, even. And without Bush's ducking, BOTH projectiles would've hit home!

All of this leaves me wondering...I know that the outgoing president is immensely unpopular, definitely so with yours truly, but has the situation gotten so bad that not only will no one "take a bullet" for the guy, they won't even take a size 10 loafer?

Look, guys...I've been worried about my mom, worried about my husband, still adjusting to Bella's grade-skipping, and wondering if the stress of dealing with one spouse's mental illness can actually crumble a marriage beyond repair, even if both parties are really trying hard to keep it together. So you'll pardon me if I take my entertainment where I find it, right?

And if I accidentally moon you?

56 comments:

  1. I am pretty sure that I just peed my pants

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  2. You should probably retire right now. Best. Post. Ever.

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  3. I believe you have easily topped the post where you were, if I recall correctly, outside in your bra yelling at the hated yellow dog with the neighbor kids looking on. I can't tell you how much I needed this laugh (at your expense, I'm sorry). And please, hang in there. Glad to hear your mom is on the mend.

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  4. Sadly I wasn't drinking anything which means my snorts of laughter were not nearly as dramatic as they could have been. That was just hysterical and yes, I definitely agree, HAD to be posted!

    Good to hear your mom is recovering.

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  5. I am, simultaneously, sad for you that you've been so miserable, and amazed that you can produce not one but two (in effect) hilarious, beautifully written posts in the midst of such misery.

    Hugs to you.

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  6. I've been worried about you and am glad to see such a funny post in times of stress :)

    (HUGS)

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  7. See? Now don't you feel a teeny bit better? BTW, once the shoe chucker gets out of wherever they took him, George Steinbrenner ought to look him up since Joba might be busy dealing with his DUI in Nebraska for awhile. The guy had a pretty good curveball.

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  8. I chuckled a little, but I'm glad you came back to posting. I've missed your blog. I'm sorry you are so miserable. I hope the mooning incident was rock bottom & things start looking up from here. *hugs* to you!

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  9. I missed you! The shoe chucking thing is hysterical, and I never noticed the Secret Service NOT sticking up for the prez until you mentioned it...very interesting!

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  10. Moon away. I laughed but there were no beverages. And speaking of your outgoing president, have you seen Robin Williams and his latest standup routine? If not, drop by my blog.

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  11. I'll take your appearances however I can....even if they are butt first! Even though life has been rough,, please know that there are people out here that miss you!

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  12. I love you blogging, I have checked your blog every day and fully expect you (even though you dont know me or know that I expect this of you) to help me find a standard poodle in three years or so. And YES a marriage can stand up to a mental illness, I am bipolar 1 with mixed, my husband is currently going to have back surgery with the hope he can walk again and we have been married for 15 years. It isnt always easy but it can and does work.

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  13. I snorted then read the post aloud to my husband. It brought back the incident in which in a fit of, well peevishness, I mooned my brother-in law . We had someplace to go, DH was prodding me to the point that I found him obnoxious to jump into the shower. In what I thought would be a colorful act of rebellion, I started stripping down in the living room, of course started with jeans and undies. All the while DH was speaking my name over and over again. He thought that was warning enough that b-in-law had just entered the room behind me. Of course I didn't get the hint until b-in law screamed OMG loud enough to wake the dead (one of which I wished to be). So you are not alone.

    Funny but not being unique is not that much comfort, but it's the best I have.

    Glad you are back, and your mom is better!

    Aunt Flunky

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  14. Maybe new Levi's should be in Santa's bag this year!

    I hope you never lose the ability to laugh at yourself. In our family, it's a very highly prized attribute.

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  15. I probably would have turned and said "what? these are my chicken wrangling chaps."

    i hate having to hunt down chickens after dark. makes me batty

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  16. No drink, but a hearty guffaw!

    And I did NOT notice that the Sekrit Service didn't offer themselves up for shoe-hit-dom, but now that you mention it, it's very interesting.

    Glad your mom is doing better and over with the surgeries.

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  17. I'm sorry you have been having such a hard time. You've been under just about every sort of pressure there is to be under. Finding humor (even at one's own expense) is a great coping mechanism.

    And I really did get a chuckle out of both of the stories that forced your blogging hand.

    Hope things level out for you soon and become more manageable.

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  18. WOW, what a great post!

    I must say that the fact that the guy got off two shoes before the Secret Service was willing or able to take him out is by far the most bizarre part of the whole incident.

    It's great to hear that you're doing alright, I hope things look up for you guys sometime soon.

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  19. Love the post, of course, but did you see the national news? They actually talked about where the secret service was during the shoe-tossing incident and assured the public that the lead agent was there at the president's side within seconds so AllIsWell-NothingToSeeHere-TheseAreNotTheDroidsYouAreLookingFor.

    Yupper. Don't you feel better now? :-)

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  20. nothing better than turkey butts! glad to hear you are still out there, and a great funny story!

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  21. I've missed you. How strange & powerful & silly a thing this internet is to make us feel that we know someone personally & feel great concern & affection for them--just thru their written words. Thanks for finding the energy (& it's astonishing you have any, given all you are dealing with) to record a bunch of words for your stranger-friends. This particular one thanks you.

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  22. Welcome back! I hope things look up for you, soon.

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  23. Glad to see you are okay! I've been thinking about you and wondering how your family's health has been. I'm one of those readers who stumbled across your blog and love your sense of humor and perspective--even though I have no "connection" to you otherwise. Also, I wanted to let you know that you inspired us to try to raise chickens! In fact, my husband has no idea that a blog got me on this "chicken kick" a month or two ago! We've got the coop built now, and after the new year we'll get the pullets!

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  24. What your mom said, who summed i t up beautifully, as far as I'm concerned, by the way :) Feel better.

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  25. That? Was hi-LAR-ious. I love it! And yes, it IS a great attribute to be able to laugh at yourself. I have missed you. And been worried. I hope you're back to stay and I hope that life lets you relax a bit. Love you!!

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  26. Hold my place in line at the shoe throwing booth, ok? And if you need some help fixing those jeans, I'm your girl :)

    seriously excellent humor...thank you, and I hope your world starts looking up asap!

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  27. Red wine + New Laptop Screen = Very funny post. Missing and thinking of you & your family.

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  28. I REALLY enjoyed your blog!!! I think that one must always be able to laugh and cry at the same time!!

    This was VERY hysterical and helped me put some of my problems in the proper persecptive!!

    I hope that your Mom continues to do well!!

    You need to be aware that you have touched many other women in important ways!! Good Job!!

    Let us know what we can do to help you too!!

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  29. Hi-- Glad you posted, with undies or without! Hope you get some more breathing room soon. I always enjoy reading your words.

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  30. First of all-YAAAAAY!!! You posted!

    OK. That's out of my system now.

    No drink-sprayage here, but you got a cat-scaring shriek of laughter from the frozen wonderland that is Wisconsin. :)

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  31. Too funny! No beverage here either, but I did laugh out loud!

    Glad to see you back posting. And don't ask me about whether such a marriage can work. At least Alex works at it - Pat didn't. :(

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  32. If you enjoyed watching the shoe throwing on TV, I think you will enjoy this even more:

    http://www.zappingmcsaatchi.com/xmas/emailing/

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  33. glad you're back at posting, i have missed reading your blog. will keep you and yours in my thoughts this christmas and hope 2009 looks up for all of you.

    best of luck, a fellow BYC member

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  34. Glad you came back to post this. It gave me a good laugh (sorry! but it's funny!). Hope you have a wonderful holiday, despite the stress you're going through. Know that I'm thinking of you and your family and sending healing thoughts your way.

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  35. You could purposely moon me and I'd be cool with it. And you.

    I've missed you. ;)

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  36. After having high hopes for George W., I'm not sure what went wrong-I won't jump on the hate George W. bandwagon,and I think history will treat him more kindly, but I am somewhat disappointed. Glad you're back- and I sympathize with all the trials you are enduring! Blessing to you this Christmas. Check out Brin at messythrillinglife blogspot if you get a chance-Her Monday moments are amazing!

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  37. Moaning in laughter. Oh. My Gosh.

    "won't take a size 10 for the President!"...I am totally stealing this line. Sorry.

    By the way I can't find an email address for you, but would love to contact you about a book project I'm working on. Could you email me at awd(at)angelawd(dot)com? Thanks!!

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  38. Glad to see you back, and glad to hear your Mom is doing better!

    I had a similar thing happen with me and clothing malfunctions recently. I had a huge job interview last Monday, which was at the insane (to me) hour of 8am. I really needed the job, and wanted to make a good impression, you know. I got up really early to get ready, got dressed and went to the interview. Halfway through the interview I looked down and saw a hole in the nice pants I was wearing. After the interview, I noticed that the pants had a nice assortment of holes along the legs, and no telling how they got there. I did a quick check on the backside to make sure there wasn't one there, exposing my undies for the interview committee to see (there wasn't, luckily).

    Hopefully they didn't notice, but it probably won't matter since they called me to say the position was frozen because of the bad economy. Oh well...

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  39. Oh, did I need that laugh. Thank you.

    And I, too, am hoping that things start looking up for you.

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  40. Oh, dear lord, I almost peed my pants! That's the funniest thing I've read in a l o n g time! I also commented on the absence of said S.S. commandoes (sorry, we just saw Valkyrie). I hope you are back for good, Belinda. You have been missed.

    Susan (BearSwampChick)

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  41. Awesomeness and exactly what I have come to expect from you even if few and far between.

    I miss you like an arm that was chomped off by a shark. Stop showing your butt to people, though. That just makes me sad. Because I want to live near you and hear you retell this in person.

    Leave the shark comment alone. It's the best I could come up with.

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  42. I can't help laughing. I'm not sure which is funnier; the idea that you managed to moon someone you'd just met, or the vision of the Bush Goodbye Carnival! I thought you were going to end up wearing jeans full of turkey poop, but you did so much better, er, worse.

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  43. Hugs to you sweetie. You have it within you to get through this, and the laughter helps. ;)

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  44. Belinda:

    Happy New Year to you, Alex and Bella! Not to mention the chickens and turkies (real and those other ones). I hope your mom is doing well, in the face of her breast cancer. So many women do nowadays.

    Please give us a post, when you can. You are missed by so many. I must look at your blog 10 time a day. Gad, that must me about 300 times since you last posted. And that is only ME...

    Take care.

    Alice in Sambro, NS

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  45. I think you should wear your magic pants and bend over while chucking shoes at the prez. LOL!

    K didn't know what she was getting into, did she? Thank God she went to church afterwards. Think she giggled all the way through the sermon?

    Hugs to you... I remember once when I was walking through a very very busy parking lot in a very public place with my arms full with confidential papers on a windy day. My skirt flew up and I turned into a walking tulip. It was either drop the papers and lose my job, or just keep walking... I screamed and kept walking. What a show!

    KH

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  46. I really miss your updates. :-(

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  47. I too had been checking your blog an average of once a day in hopes you'd had a rebound, but coincidently this post was the night before I went into the hospital for surgery and this is the first time I've had an opportunity to check all my FAVORITES since the morning before you posted -- probably about the time the mooning incident actually happened!

    I remember one point in time when I was especially optimistic that you would have been prompted to blog -- when the guy who is head of the company that has been raping the Arkansas landscape got into bad financial trouble. (Sorry, I'm not from Arkansas, so the name no longer comes to mind, but when I heard it on the news I recognized it from your blogging and I hoped you would hear about it.)

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  48. nice blog and good content
    good luck for you

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  49. Loved this blog. You're hilarious! Where's your novel? I'm coming back.

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  50. MAN!!! This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. *ROFL!!!!* Honey, you have a way with words and should have been a comedian! I was laughing so hard that I was in tears.

    Thank you for the smile and laughter. It was sweet meeting you today, and hope that things are going well with your mom.

    Many blessings to you and family,
    ~Jacqueline

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  53. You will get a beautiful cloth which in the game if we want to need the beautiful cloth, we can use our own Scions Of Fate gold to buy. The one I owned on my character is one of my friends sent to me the necessary SOF gold. Sometimes we can share the trophy as the necessary Scions Of Fate money together, and we do quest together. I do not have enough confidence and cheap SOF gold about my weak memory. First I have to buy sof gold to improve my pet which I have a lovely leopard in this game.

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