Thursday, September 18, 2008

Flat On My Back

In a shining example of The Universe's Worst Possible Timing, right in the middle of one crisis, I have been laid up by the absolute freakiest horrible back spasm in spasmodic history. It's got to be right on up there, at least. As I type this, it's the middle of the night, because no way can I sleep with this Freddy-Krueger-gripping-my-sacroiliac AGONY. I'm iced to the hilt, taking muscle relaxers and painkillers, have my legs elevated tastefully atop a Razorback styrofoam cooler that may or may not currently also be culturing a couple quarts of yogurt, and have had a steroid shot. Also, thanks to my incredibly sweet and awesome physical-therapist and general soft-hearted mush of a brother-in-law, I am sporting a TENS unit that is jacked up to...let's just say, "eleven," in an incredibly appropriate homage to Spinal Tap. I could light up a room right now, if I held a lightbulb in each hand. AND YET, I AM STILL IN AGONY. How is this possible?

I would like to take this opportunity to heartily apologize to everyone I ever suspected of "milking" a back injury. I mean, sure, I've "thrown my back out" before. Hasn't everyone? It usually happened to me when I was doing some kind of heavy lifting with bad form, like swinging hay bales on or off a trailer, stooping and twisting simultaneously. And, you know, in that case, I sort of had it coming, didn't I? For not "lifting with my knees" and all that. But this time? I was making Bella's lunch for school the next day. I think that at the moment of the first knee-buckling spasm, I was actually slicing sprouted-grain spinach wraps. THIS IS NOT HEAVY LIFTING. Nor was I doing The Twist as I sliced. I have no idea what brought this on, but I went to bed that night knowing my back hurt pretty bad, but fully expecting it to be OK in the morning.

HA HA HA HA HA. You got me, Universe! That is some cosmic sense of humor you got going there!

So, at exactly the same time that my husband is effectively incapacitated himself, I wake up in the morning, start to move, and instead start screaming. Literally. And not on purpose. All these years, I thought I knew from back pain. HA. I did NOT. This is insane. I spent nearly an hour--I kid you not--making it the 12 feet to the bathroom and back. Slowly, on the floor, in a painful crawling/dragging motion. When my brother in-law told me I had to get in to the doctor or the ER for a shot to take the inflammation down, I actually considered an ambulance. And I know what an ambulance COSTS. Instead, I iced for an hour, took a horse-sized pain pill, and then screamed my way to the truck and horned in on Alex's physical. Things got a little better yesterday, but I think the amount of sitting I had to do (which I now know, thanks again to BIL, is the WORST possible thing you can do for a bad back) exacerbated the situation so that it was much worse today.

So, if I have ever given you that stink-eye look that says, "Sure, faker," while pretending to listen sympathetically as you talk about your horrible lower-back pain...I APOLOGIZE. Also, if I've offended you somehow and you are a practicioner of the dark art of voodoo, I not only apologize, but I ask you kindly to remove the burning-hot needles from the tailbone of that doll that looks like me.

Thanks. Back pain can be emotional, right? Again, Universe, GOOD ONE!

Oh, and just to break up the misery, I will share the latest child-to-parent threat received in this household. It made me laugh because of the detail and planning involved. Alex and I were teasing Bella about something...probably threatening to trade her in for a pet monkey if she didn't hush, something like that.

Bella: "You two better stop teasing me. Or ELSE."

Us: "Oh, really? What are you going to do?"

Bella: "I am going to go to Home Depot, and buy a two-by-four, and whack you both on the butt with it."

It was like she had a homework assignment: "Threaten a butt-whupping. Show your work." I love this kid. Fortunately, while she has enough money to BUY a two-by-four, she'd have an awfully hard time getting one home without one of us giving her a ride, and now that we're savvy to her plan, we're not likely to fall for THAT.

17 comments:

  1. Ugh, I hope your back feels better soon...that sounds just miserable! Though if you let Bella whack you with the 2x4, might make you feel better, or at least distract you.

    T.

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  2. Oh god, I know of what you speak.

    I had a Sciatic Nerve thing. OH. My. GOD!!!

    I did the screaming, crawling in agony thing. NOT FUN!

    I hope you feel better, like now.

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  3. I'm wincing in sympathy, that sounds truly horrible :(

    But I'm also laughing at Bella :)

    Hope you're feeling better.

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  4. Oh man Belinda, just what you need. Seriously has you're family not had enough crap already? Sheesh. I hope you feel better soon.

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  5. How AWFUL. I think need some vodka and chocolate chip cookies.

    I hope it passes soon!

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  6. That'll teach you to make sprouted-grain spinach wraps. What Bella said almost sounded cute. Now if she'd said 'whack you upside the head,' (or hay-ed if you're from Arkansas), I'd be sleeping with one eye open. Sounds like your treatment combo is missing a glass of red wine. Feel better! :)

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  7. Feeling any better? I'm intimate friends with the back pain thing. Mine hits me generally doing something simple. In this case, drugs are your friend. Seems like easing the pain allows the healing to take place.

    I'm sure you are covered in poodles who are loving the fact that you can't move.

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  8. Hope you feel better soon! As Julie said, yes, drugs are your friend when it comes to back pain.

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  9. Hope you're feeling better!

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  10. You two won't be laughing when she rides a Poodle to Home Depot and comes charging back with the 2x4.

    I hope your back is better soon. It took me 3 years to screw up the courage to try a Chiropractor. She rid me of intractable back pain in 4 sessions, and then promptly left the practice.

    I hope it wasn't me!

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  11. Valium is your friend. So is hydrocodone. 'Least they were my friends when I blew out a disc. ;)

    Feel better soon, Belinda dear.

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  12. belinda~~i believe i saw a twat the other day about your mom being diagnosed with breast cancer? i have been there done that with my mom in 1996 when she was diagnsosed with stage III breast cancer and i worked as a patient advocate for women in arkansas when i was married to ken before he killed himself~~email me at charfread@gmail. com

    also on http://charfread.blogspot.com/ you can see what i just invited you to~~~i would love for my family to meet some bloggers~~they know about some, and some know all, but most family only know about a few of my blogs LOL

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  13. My back is all wackadoodle. Three herniated discs and weird pains from spinal chemo and cancer treatments (leukemia). They wanted to do surgery, but I forced myself to swim instead.

    You will want to lay about and I usually do for a few days, but then you have to move as much as you can without making Bella's eardrums bleed.

    I saw the Tweets on your mom. I always recommend Jeanne at assertivepatient.com for bc advice. She's behind in blogging, but usually is great at answering questions and giving advice.

    Double whammy. Hang in.

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