Friday, November 02, 2007

I Am Too Old And Crotchety For The Movies Nowadays

You know, the movies that the kids are a-watching. I can't take it. I spoke only recently about the gaping plot-holes in the Transformers movie, but you know what I forgot to mention? That drove me absolutely nuts? OK, so these Autobots, they have adopted English-speaking people-voices, right? Well, except for Bumblebee, who communicates through most of the movie by finding songs on the radio that express EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS TO SAY. So anyway, there's this one Autobot (those would be the GOOD Transformers, as opposed to the Decepticons) called "Jazz," who was a sort of hip-hop, urban Autobot in the form of a Pontiac Solstice. You heard me. Anyway, the point is, Jazz was obviously "the black Autobot." He was voiced in the film by Darius McCrary, who you may remember (Heaven help you if you do) as the non-Urkel teenage boy in that show with Urkel.

ANYWAY, the point I'm trying to get to here is this: In the Transformers movie, only ONE Autobot died. Wanna guess which one? Seriously? THE BLACK ONE. I nearly fell over. I mean, the film industry's running gag about killing off the (usually lone) black character in any ensemble-casted action/horror/suspense film is tired enough, but they even had to kill the ROBOT with the black VOICE? I squawked enough when this happened that I might possibly have missed the good four minutes of the movie, if there were four good minutes in that movie, but I kinda doubt that there were.

But I would watch "The Transformers" again, if it would erase the experience of having watched "Spiderman 3" tonight. Holy UGH. Imagine Tobey Maguire, all...what, 115 pounds of him? trying to be all sexxaaaay. And dangerous. With dance moves and woman-enticing skills. Not pretty, is it? And to make it stop, all you have to do is start thinking of bunny-rabbits, or trying to remember all the lyrics to "Shoop," by Salt-N-Pepa. When it's right there in front of you, it sort of burns into your retinas, and you can't un-see it. Nor can you un-see who they casted to play Spiderman's nemesis. I understand that they were working with some limitations in this regard, because it had to be someone physically comparable to Tobey in stature. That pretty much left Topher Grace. So what I'm saying here is, if you haven't yet subjected yourself to this particular film, don't, if you can't help it.

If you must see it, let me give you a helpful viewing primer, in case you suffer a traumatic head injury prior to viewing the film, or inflict one upon yourself DURING your viewing of the film. When Tobey has his hair slicked back, and looks ultra-nerdy, with that skinny hanging lip that suggests a sort of mental...sluggishness, well, that's when he's good. When Tobey's hair hangs down over one eye (but still looks ultra-nerdy), giving him the opportunity to toss his head about, and you hear him using his gutteral, sexxay voice to utter lines like, "now dig on THIS," or, "Thanks a lot, Hot Legs," well, that would be his bad side. And save yourself the trouble of wondering why no one thinks to simply aim a superhot blow-torch at The Sandman, turning him into glass, because no one does.

It's official. I am a crotchety old woman.

Related Posts:

The Past Week (Better Than A Poke In The Eye Or A Rat And A Pickle)

Oscar Night, An Ongoing Post

We May Be Stupid, But At Least We Married The Right People

Overheard Video-Rental Decision Conversation

add to sk*rt

9 comments:

  1. But by being so crotchety, you have just saved four hours of my life. Think of it that way. You are really a saint willing to go through the agony for the cause.

    I shall live to see another day instead of another movie...

    CP

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  2. This is off topic- The Amazing Adventures of K&C? *Swoon* Have you read Chabon's latest .. uh.. what's it called? Oh wait, I have this infinite resource called the internet right here. Yiddish policeman's union? I'm FROM ALASKA and that is SO HARD TO BELIEVE. It is total make believe! Talk about unrealistic. So this comment is on topic! Sort of. Except it's a book not a movie. All I remember is at one point he was naked in the snow. He being the main character. Naked. In the snow. Not such a hot picture. Chabon, why dost thou fail me SOOOOOOO???????

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  3. Yeah, I wasn't all that fond of Spiderman 3. Love the blow torch/glass idea. That one rocks! And Tobey's dancing, pelvic-thrusting was awful.

    I get crotchety AT the movies. We've been watching more and more things at home because if I got to the theater I find myself ignoring the movie and looking around at all the dumb teenagers texting and talking on their phones throughout the film. Drives me bonkers!

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  4. I have ZERO patience for movies. Usually, in a movie theatre, after the first 30 minutes of a movie, I find myself wondering when it will be over. No attention span, whatsoever.

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  5. I'm with you. Though I rarely watch romantic comedies (after When Harry Met Sally and Four Weddings and a Funeral the genre seemed to dry up for me) I thought I'd try a couple yesterday. I was so angry after watching The Holiday that I had to further torture myself with Elizabethtown. I know it's a really hard genre to get right but you could start by NOT HIRING two of the most charmless women to ever walk in front of a camera (Cameron Diaz and Kisrten Dunst). Yes, I am definitely a crotchety old woman!!

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  6. You are a genius. Or perhaps the most observant movie savant known to man because I adore everything you said.

    But let me add this: what makes anyone think that the Emo Trio of Tobey, Franco, and That Kid From That 70s Show would make good SUPER HEROES? Those three stringy white boys? HONESTLY.

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  7. Certainly not THIS movie-viewer. Ugh. BRING BACK REAL MEN, Hollywood!

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  8. you know the Transformers has caused more rants and blog fodder than any other cheesy popcorn movie ever I beleive, and I too missed about four minutes of the movie when they announced they couldn't fix Jazz. I was like SERIOUSLY?!?!?
    BumbleBee is being dragged around by a tow truck cause his lower half is missing but you can't fix the black guy?
    Seriously?

    love your blog you are going in my reader for sure!

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