Loving the opening sequence. Funny stuff. Peter O'Toole RULES. RULES, do you hear? I think I'm the only person in America who's hoping that Martin Scorcese does NOT win for "The Departed." In fact, the only thing I'd accept award-wise from that movie would be Marky-Mark winning Best Supporting. But I can't remember who else is nominated. Eddie Murphy just staring at the camera without speaking made me laugh like I did when he was wearing that leather suit.
Alex won't be quiet. He's on his own laptop, laughing his head off at an Oscar snapshot of Al Gore with Ludacris. Now he's doing an imagined conversation between the two. It's actually not bad, but I'm trying to listen to the teevee.
I *heart* Ellen deGeneres, always have. Dang, she's funny. NOT loving that suit. Dang, Ellen, velvet suits and white shoes are not appropriate for anyone, ever. Well, maybe Tom Jones, but only during the "What's New, Pussycat?" days. I think you let them talk you into a little too much makeup, for you, but you look pretty. From the neck up.
Alex just got up for something, and his knee went out on him, and he wound up pretty much face-down on the floor. I should have found out whether or not he was OK before I laughed. Relax. He's fine.
There's Peter O'Toole again. He is THE MAN. That is all. Oh, Jennifer Hudson looks pretty! Leo diCaprio. UGH. It causes me physical pain to admit how good he was in "The Departed." But he was, dangit. Still don't want him to win, though.
OH GOODY, GOSPEL CHOIR! Nothing exists that can't be improved by a gospel choir. I want to have my funeral before I die, so I can enjoy the gospel choir.
New James Bond Guy and Nearly Transparent Nicole Kidman, looking pretty good. Best Art Direction category. I have only seen "The Prestige" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" in this category. I is embarrassed.
Alex is super-impressed by Maggie Gyylleennnhhhaaalllll's gown. His exact words: "Now, THAT'S an outfit." Hmmm.
It's a shame that the technical award nominees are still treated like stepchildren, but to include them in the show, we'd have to drop the lame production numbers. Uh...OK.
Will Ferrell? OK, then. Enjoy your time on that stage, Will. Unless you can pull off one of those heart-wrenching roles that some other comedians have snagged. Why does he have a 'fro? JACK BLACK! Awesome. I would PAY Jack to "elbow [diCaprio] in the larynx." OMG, this comedian number is high-LARious, and illustrates the comment I just made above. And Helen Mirren IS hot. John C. Reilly is awesome.
Achievement in Makeup. "Pan's Labyrinth" is now two for two. Man, I can't wait to see that. But I live in Arkansas. Theaters will show "Talladega Nights" for twelve weeks here before they'll show something like that.
Will Smith's kid and Little Miss Sunshine...adorable. Short Animated Feature. Why can't we ever see these? Wait, I've seen that Skrit thing. Naturally, it did not win, but "The Danish Poet," which I've regretfully never heard of, did.
Best Live-Action Short, "West Bank Story," sounds either terribly offensive or terribly funny. Wish I'd had the chance to see it.
"The Hollywood Sounds Effects Choir." Brilliant. Clever. Uh, pretty good. I GET IT already. Move on. What do these people do for a living normally? It does look like a lot more fun than when I had the "privelege" of performing some Philip Glass pieces in the Governor's School orchestra. Something with radio tuners--I blocked it out.
Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear. Awfully good, they are. Greg looks sharp in his tux. Sound Editing. "Letters From Iwo Jima." Which we haven't seen yet. We want to watch it along with "Flags of Our Fathers." This guy's acceptance speech is giving him a major anxiety attack.
Jessica Biehl and Some Guy With an Accent. Sound Mixing. "Dream Girls." Makes sense, since so much of that movie kind of hinges on, uh, sound.
The random movie quotes running above and below the selected clips are distracting and stupid. I keep thinking they have something to do with the films being highlighted. But it's the same ones, over and over. "Well, do ya, punk?" and "IT'S ALIVE!" being the ones I keep noticing.
Rachel Weisz. Love her just because she's in a couple of my favorite lowbrow movies of all time, those "Mummy" movies. Best Supporting Actor. Shoot, I love Alan Arkin, and he was pretty amazing in LMS. Serpentine! Serpentine! This category is too hard, everyone's good. Again, I will assert that Marky-Mark was the best thing in "The Departed." And Alan Arkin wins, and I am happy for him. Serpentine! Blah acceptance speech, but he's emotional.
Ellen chatting up M.S. for a script called "Good Mamas," a cross between "Goodfellas" and "Big Mama's House." Funny. Please don't let "The Departed" win anything big. So overrated. If they wanted to give Scorcese a belated Oscar for Goodfellas, I'd be OK with that.
Oh, Lord, interpretive dance. Oh, but wait. They're just making silhouette shapes, like in that car commercial. That's OK, then.
The reel for "The Departed," with voiceover by Leo. My personal synopsis: 2 hours of gallons of bright-red spurting blood, especially from point-blank head-shots, 972 utterings of "F***," Jack Nicholson playing the same character he's played in 50 other movies, Matt Damon reprising his "Good Will Hunting" character, but with a badge and a warped sense of ethics, Leo diCaprio actually being GOOD (this is sooooo hard for me to admit), and Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, and especially Marky-Mark Wahlberg woefully underused. There are no women in this movie, because apparently Scorcese doesn't believe we exist. OK, there's one woman, but he obviously resented putting her in, because the two main characters actually share her.
Two nominated songs in a row? That's odd. Wonder if they're gonna do all of them at once. Melissa Ethridge sounds great. I don't think I need to say Sweet Baby James sounds good. If you don't know that, you're impossibly young, and it's past your bedtime. Nope, just the two.
Leo and Al. Al Gore. Together. There are no words. Well, it's not as funny as Al Gore and Ludacris, I suppose. Announcing that the Oscars have "gone green." I'm assuming that means it's leaving a neutral ecological footprint, which is nice. Gore pretending to announce for President. *sigh* Music cuts him off. This feels so familiar...
WHOA. Jack Nicholson totally bald. I didn't think he could be any scarier, but there it is.
Cameron Diaz being introduced as "the voice of Princess Fiona from 'Shrek' " made me laugh. But it was a segue, because she's announcing for Best Animated Feature. Only three nominations this year? Sad. "Happy Feet" wins, which I heard from every mother I know, and read on many mommyblogs, was terrible. What gives? "Monster House" ruled, and "Cars" had Paul Newman. Come ON, people.
Just had to stop a poodle from drinking my soda. Poodles can get their own dang soda.
Ben Affleck being introduced as "Academy Award-winning screenwriter" makes me feel like I'm in The Twilight Zone. Does anyone believe he really contributed to "Good Will Hunting?" Really? "Romeo and Ethel the Pirate's Daughter" is STILL funny, and "Shakespeare In Love" was a LONG time ago. I think that these compilations of clips from past movies are my favorite part of awards ceremonies. Except for the one they're going to do later with all the dead people. That just brings me down.
Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks. Thank HEAVENS Tom cut that skanky hair. Helen is a vision. Best Adapted Screenplay. Have not seen "Children of Men," but adore P.D. James. I like this thing they're doing in which they're reading from the script to set up the scene. Cool. Oh, great. "The Departed." But the acceptance speech gives props to Peter O'Toole, so I am placated. First accepter to get played off the stage by the plinky but insistent piano music.
Alex is showing me the knuckles on his left hand repeatedly, insisting that one of them is dislocated. Apparently, it doesn't hurt, just looks funny to him. I don't see it.
Ellen carrying Oscar in a Baby Bjorn. Not bad. Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. In character from "Prada." Nice try. Meryl Streep reacting from the audience, however--brilliant. I want one of those outfits from that first designer. Best Costumes, "Marie Antoinette."
OH THE LOATHING. Tom Stupid Cruise. I can't believe he's even taken seriously enough to be a presenter, much less for a lengthy segment. It's like watching a talking German Shepherd Dog. One who believes that mental illness is all Lord Xenu's fault. GET HIM OFF GET HIM OFF GET HIM OFF MY TEEVEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Thank you, Sherry Lansing, for finally coming out and (eventually) pushing The Cruiser out of the spotlight. But why are you talking like a robot?
Ellen chats Clint, takes a picture "for her MySpace." Has Spielberg do it, and instructs him on framing, checks it, then has him do it over to make it "more even." She's brilliant.
Alex is booing Gwyneth Paltrow. At least she's blonde again. Her dress is weird. Cinematography. Hey, I've actually seen one of these movies. No, TWO of them! But the two were "The Illusionist" and "The Prestige," so I think that only counts as one. "Pan's Labyrinth" wins again, and the other credits they announce for this cinematographer on his way up to the stage are "Night at the Museum" and "Spy Kids." I'd say this is his shining moment so far. He gets plinked off the stage by the piano, too.
Interpretive dancers make silhouette of "Little Miss Sunshine" van. Cool, and thankfully short.
Alex is still whining about his knuckles, and just made me feel them. One of them is definitely hinky, but he wouldn't let me push it back in, so I can't help him. Weenie.
Naomi Watts and ROBERT DOWNEY, JR., aka oneofmyfavoritestactorsofalltime. He is the greatest. I love him. Visual Effects. I have actually seen all these movies, because they don't have to be artsy to get nominations in this category, which means that they show them in Arkansas. "Pirates of the Caribbean II" won, probably because of the brilliant work of Erin's husband, and I could swear one of the artists' names is "Heil Hitler."
Catherine Denueueueuve and Ken Watanabe. He is tremendously handsome, and she apparently has an aging portrait of herself hanging in some attic somewhere. Best Foreign Language Film. Oh, boy, an "Impressionistic look" at foreign films! Oh, it's actually pretty cool. I think I've seen more of these movies than I have the ones that are nominated tonight. Aw, even that tiny clip of "The Bicycle Thief" just made me sad. I wonder how many of these 50 foreign films I could slip into our Netflix queue before Alex notices?
Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett, announcing Best Foreign--they look fantastic. He is a man's man, is he not? I don't think I've ever seen Cate in anything she wasn't good in. That was an awkward sentence. "Other People's Lives" wins. *sigh* Alex says, "Look at that big ol' German." He's right. That's one big ol' German. But wait--he sounds totally American. What up with that? I might have missed some crucial piece of information there.
Ellen behind the interpretive dance screen with the troupe, doing "Snakes On A Plane." Best one yet.
Ahhhhh, Clooney. You get better with age, you smart, beautiful man, you. Best Supporting Actress. Hey, I've seen one of these! No, two! But two of them were in "Babel," so does that count as three? Jennifer Hudson wins. Holy cow. As I've said every single year that "American Idol" has been on the air, at the point at which they let "America" choose the winners, "America, you are STUPID." Go on and have a brilliant career, Jennifer. Oh, Beyonce looks...let's just say, not genuinely happy for her.
"Babel" reel. I love movies that combine separate vignettes into a cohesive whole. It's just one of my favorite devices. And in my opinion, the brilliance of this one was the subtlety--just a good job all round. Here are actors from "Babel," whose names I can't pronounce, to introduce Best Short Subject Documentary. No question of not having seen any of these. They always look so good, too. "The Blood of Yingzhou District" wins.
Ugh, commercials. Watching television that we haven't pre-recorded on TiVo is AGONIZING. Apparently, Microsoft wants us to believe that Windows Vista will have the same impact on the world as the bikini. Uh, OK. I'm sure the Sports Illustrated "Vista Issue" is coming to a newsstand near you soon.
Jerry Seinfeld. Good effort, but...ehh. But he gets points for introducing the Best Documentary nominees as "incredibly depressing." Big surprise, "An Inconvenient Truth" wins. Go, Al! Have your moment! Isn't this better than a presidential press conference? I think it is. Points for starting acceptance remarks with, "My fellow Americans." Bless his heart.
CLINT EASTWOOD. There are not enough words. Just took the audience waaaaay too long to clap for a mention of "Fistful of Dollars." Get WITH it, people. Tribute to composer Morricone, who's done some amazing work, 5 nominations. He's getting a "special Oscar" tonight...are we just making up Oscars now? If so, I want them to go back and give Ellen Burstyn a big giant one for "Requiem For A Dream," even if it means they have to take them away from everyone else who won one in 2000 and melt them down for her Super-Oscar. Because I'm still ticked off over her not winning that year. OH NO, NOT CELINE DION!! WHY? WHY?!? I have to go away while my ears bleed. BRB. Ahh. There. Clint is translating for Morricone. IS THERE NOTHING CLINT CAN'T DO? Respect.
Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman. She looks beautiful, even if her dress is the color of a Band-Aid. I think Hugh has been in almost every movie I've seen recently, even "Flushed Away." Best Original Score--Gustavo Somebody wins for "Babel."
Sid Somebody (Guiness?) from the Academy fast-talking his way through a description of what the Academy is. I still don't know.
Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. They look squinty and weird, like they were just backstage getting stoned together, and Tobey is barely making it through his lines. They're doing the voice-over script-reading thing, too. Well, SHE is. Best Original Screenplay. "Little Miss Sunshine" is the winning movie, and the guy who wrote it, Michael Arndt used to be Ferris Beuhler's personal assistant. I love him because he's a professional writer, and he just used the word "funnest" in his acceptance speech, with no hint of irony.
Interpretive dancers make giant devil-shoe for "Prada." Now who is this commentator? Why do we need him when we have Ellen and the 912 presenters? Seriously?
Alex just pronounced J-Lo's dress "awful." I'm more than a little amused at his investment in women's fashion tonight.
The "Dream Girls" musical number. I've been waiting for this one, but this isn't the one I wanted to hear. Oh, well. Whatever engineer is responsible for keeping Jennifer Hudson's bodacious ta-tas contained (barely) in that dress should win a lifetime achievement award. Whoa...Beyonce is being outsung by an "American Idol" loser. That's gotta hurt. Alex just predicted a "wardrobe malfunction" for Jennifer's dress. Great minds think alike, you know. Hey, there's The Other Girl. And A Guy.
We just got distracted by Gabby turning around 97 times, digging obsessively, in her bed, until we were both yelling, "LIE DOWN ALREADY!" That dog ain't right.
MORE GOSPEL CHOIR! You can not have too much gospel choir. Shots of the audience pretending they're really into it, and not impatient to get on with the show. Heh.
John Travolta and Queen Latifah. Now that is an odd pairing. More Latifah, less Travolta. Thank you. Best Original Song. Melissa Ethridge wins for "I Need To Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth." Pretty decent, since there were like 8 nominations for songs from "Dream Girls." I think everyone is as sick of Randy Newman as I am, so that wasn't happening. Nice acceptance speech, too--made a point but didn't preach. Didn't get plunked offstage by the piano.
"Little Miss Sunshine" clip. This thing was great. Ah, here's Will Smith. Does anyone NOT like him? I do occasionally want to staple his ears to his head, but I love him. Here's another montage, this one about directing, I think. I love a montage. Aw, crap, they ruined it with a Tom Cruise "Magnolia" snippet. Wait a sec--no, I'm OK. Not gonna vomit. Back into the montage. Good music choices with it, too.
Kate Winslet. Pretty dress, classic hair, blingy earrings. Best Editing. "The Departed" is in this category? That movie had some horribly clumsy cuts and edits! What in the--? What. Ever. AND IT WINS. Sheesh. There were scenes that were cut together that were obviously filmed at different times--is that not part of editing? Maybe I'm upset with the wrong person. Thelma Schoonmaker is the editor's name. Alex says, "She is WEARING that shawl!"
Jodi Foster. Weird dress. It has a drape on front, but a belt underneath that? OH NO, SHE'S INTRODUCING THE DEAD PEOPLE MONTAGE. Here it comes. Dangit. Alex may not make it when they show Don Knotts. He's the only man I know with an autographed picture of Knotts as Barney Fife hanging on the wall above his desk. Between Don Knotts and Done Sheehan (Scottie from "Star Trek"), he may have to just have a moment of silence. *Whew* They saved Robert Altman for last.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, presenting Best Actress. Geez, you can hardly go wrong in this category. Meryl doesn't need another one...it's got to go to one of the Brits, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Judi Dench and Helen Mirren are both heavenly. And YESSSSS. Helen wins for "The Queen." Helen Mirren deserves an award just for all those years of "Prime Suspect" on BBC. If you haven't seen those movies, start Netflixing them RIGHT AWAY. Her Jane Tennyson is one of the best characters ever brought to mystery film. This is one classy dame. Young actresses of America, THIS IS HOW A LADY LOOKS, ACTS, AND SOUNDS. Comport yourselves likewise. I guarantee you Helen is wearing underpants.
Interpretive dancers make silhouette of a pistol for "The Departed," and one of them even approximates a bullet firing by shooting some sort of projectile out of their butt, I think.
Ellen is doing a vacuum gag, making celebrities lift their feet. Eh. Oh, here comes Reese Witherspoon to present Best Actor. Please, not Leo. He should lose on the basis of that awful Australian accent alone. Peter O'Toole. I think I have made myself abundantly clear on the topic of Peter O'Toole. Ryan Gosling, Will Smith, both good. Smart money is on Forest, though. Let's see. Yup. Forest Whitaker for "The Last King of Scotland." He has been an OPERATIC TENOR. THAT I did not know. Good for him, but Peter, I love you forever. You are Laurence of Freakin' Arabia, man. FOREVER. So far, Forest is making the most people get all teary-eyed. Awwww. Sweet.
Coppola, Lucas, Spielberg. Apparently trying to be funny. I think. Best Director. I'm afeared they're gonna give it to Scorcese, but...and they did. Hopefully, that means that "The Departed" will NOT win Best Picture. Please. There's freaky-looking Shaved-Head Jack Nicholson again. Martin Scorcese looks like he's wearing one of those fake glasses/nose/eyebrows thingies. Good GOSH, I can't stand to look at Jack Nicholson and his stupid sunglasses that he wears every dadgum place.
Is it just me, or does the director of "Babel," Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu, look remarkably like Sacha Baron Cohen?
Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. I hope she washes her hands after. This is where I have a feeling of foreboding. Is it only funny to me that the director of "Little Miss Sunshine" is named "Friendly?" Oh, crap. "The Departed." SO overrated. Alex just said, "That movie SUCKED." I don't know if it was terrible, but it sure wasn't great. The best way I can define it is this: I'd love to watch "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Babel" again and again. I don't ever want to see "The Departed" again. This is the same way I felt when "Titanic" won Best Picture.
And it's over. All in all, The Golden Globes were MUCH more satisfying.