As promised, here is a copy of the, er, "poem" that my husband wrote me to accompany my Valentine's gift. I will elaborate on the events that inspired it later, since this only HINTS at the gruesomeness that was The Honeymoon of Horror.
Now, Belinda, my love, let's take a moment to remember;
A day that was the 9th of December.
A day that began the life which now gleams,
Because I finally had found the woman of my dreams.
Yes, I knew I had found you, it was time to celebrate,
And our wedding and reception could not have been more elaborate.
The very next day we left for our glorious honeymoon
To see parts of the world we would not forget soon.
We traveled through areas we'd considered so quaint,
That we now affectionately refer to as "America's taint."
We arrived in the Poconos; our hearts they did sink,
When we saw the "grandeur" that was Analomink.
Still, our spirits were not dampened, and in fact, we had chills,
'Til we arrived at the charming-alarming resort named Penn Hills.
Charming.....well, then again, maybe not.
I would have rather slept in a tent, on a cot.
The room we were given was not exactly heavenly.
It was stuck in a time-warp some time near 1970.
A big round bed with a huge hole at its hub,
And it was so cold that night we could skate in the heart-shaped tub.
We complained and were given some sort of a suite,
A bed and some heat made it much more complete.
It had a TV that I think had three channels.
One for news, one for porn and I think one for flannels.
And remember the great big room they had for dining.
It was right out of a scene from that movie, "The Shining."
And that crazy little club with walls painted like tar,
Full of people that looked like they were out of the Star Wars bar.
Though we still had anticipation of our pending visit to New York,
Penn Hills had me wanting to commit Hara Kiri with a spork.
Yes, dear, we survived that experience, and the memories now I hold dear;
Yet an invitation to return would surely fill me with fear.
Unless the only things I had to remind me of this place
Were some trinkets to inspire good memories and the bad ones erase.
I hope you enjoy these, my love!
I love You!!
Happy Valentine's Day!!