Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Manna From Canada...nna
Oh, boy! Snackies! In the mail! "Shreddies" = Wheat Chex, only better. "Smarties" = M&Ms, only not as good (but still good in their own way, if you know what I mean). "Wild Pacific Smoked Salmon" = Main ingredient in high-class, late-night snack, for our post-boxing anniversary celebration this Saturday. And here's where it gets serious.
Yeah. Americans? Listen up. I got stuff to tell. Like the revelation from the previous post, about the non-drain microwave method of cooking "Kraft Dinner," or the wide availability of over-the-counter painkillers that actually WORK, wasn't enough, I've learned of more that the Canadians are keeping from us. Some stuff, like the macaroni thing, and the OTC codeine, are probably because we're just too stupid to be trusted with complicated cooking information or free access to effective drugs. But now, I'm suspecting another category of subterfuge--I think that the Canadians might be keeping certain good things from us because we JUST DON'T DESERVE THEM.
And then there is an additional subset, as illustrated by the famous Multi-Cultural Canadian Death-Candy, in which we don't deserve the goodness AND are too stupid to be trusted with it, but I addressed that last year. Thank heavens my Canadian friends keep me apprised of such things, so that I don't live my life in a state of America-centric oblivion.
CeCe had told me before about the glory of ketchup-flavored potato chips. I responded in the way that many of you are undoubtedly responding now: "Yeah, C., whatever you say. Potato chips that taste like ketchup sound just graaaaaaayyyyyyt. And then maybe I'll have some poutine." (turns aside, gagging)
So. The box sat there for most of the day, even getting put away in the pantry for a short time, and then curiosity got the best of me. I opened the box to find two shiny silver bags of chips inside. Late that night, I opened one bag, carrying it back toward the bedroom and absent-mindedly fishing out a tomato-red chip to tentatively sample. My mistake was that I kept walking, because I got to the threshold of the bedroom at about the same time the unearthly burst of ketchup-y bliss hit my taste buds. By the time I realized it might be best to keep this find to myself, so as not to have to SHARE, it was too late. If my facial expression hadn't given it away, then my exclamations, such as, "Great Jumpin' Cats, this is the best potato chip I've ever tasted in my whole entire life," made secrecy a lost cause, and soon Alex and I were fighting like stray dogs over every last shred of ketchup-tater goodness. Then he got up and HID THE OTHER BAG. Up high, where I couldn't reach it even if I could find it.
Skeptical Americans? I hear you, but I'm telling you, this stuff is...WOW. These chips don't just taste like ketchup, they allow you to taste everything that makes up ketchup: tomato sauce, vinegar, salt, pepper...mixed with potato. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm.
This is powerful stuff. And THEY DON'T WANT US TO HAVE IT. Canadians? You could make a fortune selling this stuff on eBay. It's got better profit potential than 222s or Viagra. And we can't get it, apparently, from any U.S. distributor. Which is odd, because there IS a U.S. distributor for the brand.
So--how about it, my Neighbors to the North? Who wants to be my Old Dutch pipeline? All we have to do is figure out a way that it doesn't cost 4 times the value of the chips simply to ship them, and we are in BUSINESS. I guarantee that I can provide a steady stream of potential ketchup-chip junkies. Just get me the stuff.
And hey, look--I'm at least 63% deserving!