Saturday, November 25, 2006

Long Lazy Weekend With A Bullet

Or several.

  • I cannot whup the 4"-wide wired-cloth ribbon into submission and make it look right on my Christmas tree. If anyone knows the secret, and/or can provide a link to pictures, PLEASE share. I shall HAVE this ribbon on my tree, and I can't do the rest until I do this part.
  • My mom called to ask Alex to come over and help her figure out why parts of her nearly-new pre-lit tree wouldn't light, and by the time we left, he had literally re-wired parts of it to get it all working, and left her with a remote control to work the thing.
  • Having a Christmas-tree remote control made my mom do a happy-dance.
  • This is our first Thanksgiving without leftovers in YEARS.
  • Fresh pasta is REALLY good on a long Thanksgiving weekend.
  • We only had fresh pasta because we overheard my sister ordering up take-out, and it sounded good.
  • I really wish I knew how long I could expect to wait to be pain-free while walking around, because that hasn't happened yet, and there are lots of things I need to be walking around looking at right now. That's right, things need me to be walking around looking at them.
  • We had puppies.
  • We did not intend to have puppies this year--this came right smack in the middle of my "two-year puppy hiatus." So much for planning.
  • Guess who is responsible for us having puppies? I'll give you a hint: Counting backward from the delivery date, conception would have happened while...well, ONE of us was medically incapacitated, and instructing our able-bodied spouse DAILY to "PLEASE KEEP THE BOYS AND GIRLS SEPARATED."
  • Spouses do not always follow instructions.
  • To be fair, the mom did come into season two full months ahead of schedule.
  • And that is why you need to KEEP THE BOYS AND GIRLS SEPARATED all the time.
  • Oh, and once again? Three. Three puppies. As always. And yes, they are beautiful, and will make fabulous pets for three lucky people. And our average is now a solid three puppies a year, instead of 2.25, which was kind of awkward.
  • I slipped the puppy news into the middle of a weekend bulleted post on purpose, because I am still a little aggravated about it.
  • I have, apparently, worried needlessly about my daughter behaving like a materialistic, grabby so-and-so about Christmas, because her official request to Santa Claus is simple and short: "A dollhouse with a doll." Niiiiiice. I was expecting a lot more "and"s in her list.
  • I had worried not only because she has announced that she "wants" everything she sees lately, but because Alex and I were both, to use a term of my father's, "wantin' -hoppers" as children.
  • I really, REALLY ♥ my bloggy friends.
  • My sister just taught me the easy HTML code for making that ♥. Cool, innit?
  • After searching high and low for the perfect Christmas-tree topper (we wanted a star) for our new tree, Alex found the ideal one. At Lowe's. For $7.
  • If we had two more children, they would be named "TiVo" and "Biscuit," according to my husband...after two of the things he loves best.
  • The best part of Thanksgiving dinner was when my just-turned-four-year-old daughter highjacked the pre-meal blessing by yelling, "I WILL SAY THE BLESSING!" when Alex's mother asked him to say it, and then proceeded to come up with the sweetest, most beautiful little spontaneous prayer, including parts about being grateful for "all of us, and really my cousins," and making all the womenfolk cry.
  • The biggest surprise at Bella's Thanksgiving program at school (see photos below) was how very, VERY proper and ladylike and mannerly she was--and I'm only surprised because I'm comparing it with what would have been MY behavior at that age. Yikes, but she was good.
  • Smart-aleck comment preserved for all posterity on the videotape of Bella's Thanksgiving program at school (The title of which, I believe, was either "A Very Politically Incorrect Thanksgiving," or "Native Americans? Uh, They Just Decided to Move. Yeah, We Were Really Bummed."): When I leaned over and said, "And then we gave the Native Americans blankets covered in syphillus, and they all died. Yaaaaay, pilgrims!" Not the first time, nor likely the last, for me to be shushed by my husband in public.
  • At least I didn't bring up the fire-water.
  • My mom has LOTS of Christmas decorations that would look really great in MY house. If some of them come up missing, and she asks you, tell her you were with me when they disappeared.
  • Alex just let the nursing mama-poodle out for a break, and she totally walked right up to where my dinner was still sitting and stole chicken piccata directly off my plate, with me looking right AT her.
  • I actually said, out loud, to her, "Dude. I'm RIGHT HERE."
  • She didn't answer, didn't care, and helped herself to another caper. Poodles have no shame.
  • I was not disappointed at the end of the Stephen King book I wrote about earlier.
  • But...I didn't cry, and he totally could have made me, if he'd really wanted to.
  • I'm thinking about re-reading John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany YET AGAIN, just because I feel like crying.
  • I will probably actually read Running With Scissors next, because it's a memoir about crazy people.
  • I ♥ me some crazy people.
  • Speaking of which, I may have to stop talking to Mr. Fabulous and Kim for a little while if Arkansas plays Florida in a bowl game. So far, CP has not made overt pro-Gator comments on my blog, so her, I will continue to adore and converse with throughout the season. Until she blows it, anyway.
  • Alex and I are going to be spending our anniversary, in a couple of weeks, at a boxing match.
  • I am totally OK with this, because it's Jermain Taylor. Watch for us on HBO.
  • If you haven't so treated yourself before, please check out Jermain's "Stamp Out Smoking" campaign spot, from his pre-World Middleweight Champion days here. GO NOW. This goes double for Kelly, who knows what I'm thinking. Unless she's tanked on the crunk juice.
  • NEITHER ONE OF US realized/remembered that that particular date was, in fact, our anniversary until at least two weeks after the fight tickets were purchased. The date didn't even ring a bell.
  • We were going to spend the night at The Peabody afterward, but as I mentioned above, we have puppies now.
  • We already have the first Kool-Aid stain on our brand-new sisal rug in the living room.
  • Bella is NOT responsible.
  • Neither am I.
  • None of the poodles drink Kool-Aid--or, more accurately, Crystal Light Fruit Punch.
  • A poodle can eat a dinner-roll as big as her head in under 20 seconds.
  • I was NOT KIDDING about the ribbon. On my tree. It taunts me.


  1. ~I LOVE THAT SKIRT! Can I PUHLEESE be in line for that hand me down? I know another adorable little girl who would look (almost) as cute as Bella in it!

    ~OMG. More puppies? I'm just about ready to lock my TWO dogs outside they're driving me so nuts lately!

    ~"What Crystal Light?" One time Armondo spilled a chocolate shake down the back of the couch and onto the carpet and didn't do a very good job cleaning it. A couple of days later, I noticed it, knew what it was right away and said "Why didn't you clean up the chocolate shake you spilled?" To which he replied "What chocolate shake?" While looking DIRECTLY at the spot where it spilled. BUSTED!

    ~Try twisting the ribbon and hanging it loosely and length-wise from the top of the tree down. You'll actually probably want to do this after you decorate the rest of the tree, but give it a test first. Four strands of it hanging down will probably look good. Saw it in a store the other day, and thought that it looked good. I will be trying it myself.

    ~I want the html code for the hearts! Can you change the colour?

  2. PS. I know you don't have a lot of time to check out other blogs these days, but you HAVE to come see the pics and video of Cherry's first time playing in snow!

  3. Andrea (the sister)November 25, 2006 at 9:01 PM

    Look what else I can do:

    Wee!! I might share if you're really nice to me.

    The Sister

  4. i agree, that skirt and top are soooooooooo cute and she is looking like her mom so much in that last photo.

    i heart my bloggy friends too. you can google "special characters html" and find all sorts of stuff, but i guess that would ruin the fun. :-)

    we had fresh pasta tonight too! in fact, i better go put away the leftovers.

    i called you wednesday, but got caught in some weird phone vortex. the love was there though baby.


  5. cece: The only reason he still lives is that is has been about a year since the last pups, so these three aren't a huge imposition.

    jenB: Why do I miss your calls? That is not right! NOT RIGHT! I'm totally home tomorrow, nudge, nudge.

    andrea: pbbbblllltttt.

  6. You must have forgotten that one of youre internet love interests won a prize last year for bow making. Um, does that ring a bell?

    This is what you do. You take the ribbon and fold it back and forth, back and forth, like ribbon candy until the entire ribbon is folded up. Then you take that folded up ribbon, fold it in half, and with a sharp scissors, cut two quarter circles in the sides, so that you're making it thinner.

    Then you take a piece of floral wire, about 10-12" long, and wrap it around the entire ribbon at the point where you made the two cuts. Wrap it REALLY tightly and twist the wire quite a few times to ensure that it stays.

    OK, now you have the essential part of your bow done. Unfold it, and take the first loop on each side and twist it one revolution towards the middle. Follow that with the next two loops, and continue to do so until the whole ribbon is formed. You can continue to fuss with the individual loops until you get it exactly right, but what you're doing is just filling in the whole circle on the bow.

    I could do it for you in about 2 minutes, but remember, the first time you try this, you're going to have an awkward bow. You have to do it several times until it's what you want, so I suggest trying with another ribbon first until you get the technique right.

    If you need help, call me. I'm home most of the day.

  7. If we had two more children, they would be named "TiVo" and "Biscuit," according to my husband...after two of the things he loves best.

    First, I literally LOL'ed at this. Then, I though that I'd tell my husband. After about a half-second of thought though, I realized that he would think seriously about doing the exact same thing. I can't put those thoughts in his head!

    p.s. I've been reading your blog for a few weeks here, and I love it :)

  8. Great post.. ;) You really make me laugh. Why not move to Australia? ;)

    PS You can bring the puppies ;)

    PPS and the sister if she promises to teach me HTML too.. :)

  9. It's been quite a while since I've read a post, savored it slowly like a good piece of fried chicken, and then asked for seconds. I read it through twice while grinning from ear to ear at oh-so-many things.

    The poodles. Yet, I'm sorry they came so early.
    Bella's prayer. Bella's pictures. Bella.
    That luscious Jermain with no shirt on who is every bit as adorable as you once proclaimed to me.
    You saying 'crunk juice'. HA.
    The Kook-Aid commentary.

    I hope you go to church later and read this before heading out, but all you need do is take that ribbon with you to church because you just KNOW there is some little old blue-hair waiting for you to bring that piece of ribbon to her to tie the perfect bow. Church ladies love that kind of stuff. They LIVE for it.

    So my advice, take it to church. And lock up the boys from the girls yourself next time they're "in season".

  10. I wish your team the best of luck next week.

    I am a classy dude.

    Now...they make remote controls for Christmas trees? Why has this knowledge been kept from me?

  11. "rings a bell" at a boxing match. Nice :)

    I think you're officially going to have to start audio/video recording anything that Bella is involved in. Her blessing hijack sounds like something wonderful to pull out when she's a few years older.

  12. You can buy pre-lit trees that come with a remote? Instead of having to crawl behind the tree and plug it in every day? Dude.

    Bella, Bella, Bella. Gorgeous in purple! Since CeCe already staked a claim to the outfit, can you share where you bought it? Kaitlyn looks adorable in purple.

    Puppies! Awwww. Smart mama-poodle knew she needed some chicken to keep up her strength :) I love your blog, you know that?

  13. {insert sigh of relief here} I almost thought your were gonna say the puppies were my fault. Cause it very well could have been, had those puppies been conceived in July! But you already said it was Alex's I'm off the hook!

    Yay for puppies! And for remote-controlled Christmas trees! And for Bella's polka-dotted skirt!

  14. Wow that is some wild purple outfit Bella is decked out in! I *heart* that kid's faux "ugg" boots.

    When Ashley was about Bella's age, she blew us away by asking Santa for silk plants to decorate her room. Whitt and I looked at each and mouthed, "What the XXXX?"

    Is it any surprise she is an interior designer now?

  15. margalit: I am printing out those bow-making instructions, whereupon I will put them in a drawer awaiting the day that I suddenly become Bree VanDecamp. Actually, I have so many ornaments vs. the size of the tree, I need to *wrap* the ribbon first, probably kind of deep within the boughs. But now I know who to ask about my bow-making needs!

    Amy: I at once congratulate and pity you on choice of spouse, if he's anything like mine. They are entertaining, no?

    snoskred (my computer can't make that 'o'-with-a-slash-through-it, and even if it could, all the Americans would just think it was a 'zero' anyway, because nerds put slash-marks through their zeros to keep them from being confused with the letter 'O', because apparently there is a problem with people sneaking letters into the midst of numerical equations): DO YOU HAVE RAGWEED THERE? Because right now, I am very susceptible to suggestions of moving far away from pollen sources.

    mochaaaaaaah: First of all, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL when the Wild Poodle Sex was happening (and probably just before and just after, but I was still incapacitated)!! The other time this happened, I was (wait for it) IN THE HOSPITAL, having Bella! That would account for the Christmas 2002 litter of three.

    The ribbon: That is a brilliant idea, and I can think of half-a-dozen ladies at my church who would just flat-out offer to come over here and do it for me.

    And the only reason *I* can say "crunk juice" is that *you* said it first. Otherwise, we'd have used the rural honky version (courtesy of David Letterman eleventy-million years ago), "wacky on the goof-balls."

    Also, thank you for not giving me away about the licking. I was mildly concerned.

    Mr. Fab!! That is the second time within 12 hours I have seen you exhibit class, good manners, and a sweetness born of feeling all right? I LIKE IT! Thank the Mrs. for her medical tips, too, until I get around to answering all my email. I ♥ her.

    Oh, and there have been Christmas tree (and, in fact, for ALL Christmas lighting, indoor and out) remotes in my home since Alex was in my home. Apparently, you can get them at Lowe's or Home Depot for around $16, as I learned last night. Trust me--this item will make you VERY happy.

    jer gets all the puns!!!! (He is seriously smart and cool, and can talk books for hours without ever being boring, and you should all check him out. Plus he juggles.) And sadly, we HAVE tons of digital video, which we have only ONCE figured out how to transfer to our computer, FORGET editing. And then, one time? We managed to get a snippet uploaded to YouTube? And then it wouldn't play, for love or money. I posted it on my site, and it showed the opening scene as a still shot, but when you hit "play," it just said "loading..." forEVER and nothing ever happened. We are idiots. Can you come over?

    elizabeth!! For whom I have a growing stack of baby clothes that your baby has probably already outgrown some of! YES, you absolutely need a remote for the tree--they will work with any system, pre-lit or not. And the pre-lit tree, well, that is pretty much how they're making the fake ones nowadays, and we went fake this year, surprising both of us since we were always hard-line "real tree" folks, and I gotta tell ya: The "pre-lit" aspect? AWESOME. There are 1200 lights on our 7.5' tree. That. Is. A LOT. And they are all over the branches, from next to the trunk all the way out to the tips. The only downside is the 2 hours it takes to individually spread every little branch(like, a dozen each) on every single limb. But for the splendiferous light-placing, I call it worthwhile. But as for the remote, see my comment to Fab above. You can get them for ALL your Christmas lights, indoor and out.

    melissa: Sorry I scared you! But when you were here, there was no CHANCE of anyone being in season (Gabby was the only intact female in residence at the time, and she had JUST been in at the end of May, and I have no doubt that YOU followed instructions! Hee.

    The only good thing about unintended breedings here is that at least we're talking about fully health/genetic tested and champion parents doing the sneaky deed. It could be worse--FAR worse.

    m'liss...I know! And look at her matching faux-fur collar! The little girl on the other side is Bella's "best friend" at school, who is in many pictures with her on her "purple pony" birthday party set on flickr. Hugely sweet.

    If y'all could see the actual dress being hidden by that cardigan (Bella will not wear a sweater or cardigan without insisting on buttoning the entire thing from top to bottom), it is really a stunner. It's a summer dress, but Bella loves it so much that Alex's mom found the velvet cardigan and the purple ribbed tights to carry it into winter. She actually HAS a perfect "autumn" outfit, with pumpkins and stripedy tights and everything, which *I* intended for her to wear for this pageant, but OH, the fight we had about that, and you can see who won.

  16. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh am I excited 'bout the puppies. I am sure there is room on my lap for just one more. Tate might like a buddy to play with! As for the mama.....a nursing mom gets whatever she wants!

  17. Girl, please.

    I am NO Gator fan. I am a New Yorker simply displaced in the armpit of the United States known as Florida. Did you ever notice it looks like a drooping phallus? Yeah, well, I live halfway down the shaft, closest to the left ball. Ain't NO Gator fans here.

    Um, go Giants? Wait, they're not college.

    Well, whatever. Go Arkansas...just to piss off Fab.


  18. Belinda, there might just have something in the water in Central Arkansas about this dog sex stuff.

    It was at your house that my "10 yo VIRGIN" Mason learned how to really "do it." The so-called expensive reproductive specialist said he would NEVER figure it out at his age.

    Famous last words...Just let them hang out at Belinda and Alex's house.

  19. Read "The Glass Castle". It's a good book about crazy people, too.

  20. Seriously, tell us where that skirt came from. I don't even have a daughter, but I want one anyway, just in case.

  21. Okay, Bella's outfit is cute, I need 4 for my nieces:o) I love the purple and the dots.

    I am sorry that I am a Gator fan, but it is bred into me:o) Especially considering that my dad is a Florida grad as well as most of my cousins, aunts, and uncles.

    Congrats on the puppies, even if they were early and unplanned. Your puppies grow up very pretty.

  22. Jules: These puppies are very small, so I'm sure there's room for at least TWO more. Be here Valentine's Day, and I'll fix you up. ;-)

    CP...I will after after think of you as "my bloggy-friend who lives just under the left nut of Florida." Thanks a lot.

    m'liss: Don't forget that MY expensive reproductive veterinarian said the SAME THING about Mason, after collecting him artificially that first time! "Yeah, some dogs that have only been AI'd will figure it out eventually, but I don't think this one would get it if you gave him a year alone with a bitch in season." about another 48 hours, Doc? That's all it took. He just needed time and opportunity, and he did just fine! I mean, JUST LOOK how well he did!

    Oh, and, uh...what exactly are you implying in that last sentence, there?

    kim: Believe me, I totally understand the alumni breeding program!! But still, if we have our heads handed to us by those Gators, I shall be forced to pout.

    And for everyone, I swear I will ask Alex's mom about the purple dress (it is a one-piece dress, the top being purple cotton jersey-knit, with flower adornments on right shoulder and left hip)! I'm kinda thinking Chattanooga, TN outlet mall. If it helps, the brand is "Rare Editions."

  23. Oh, and I know that the velvet cardigan and tights are from Hanna Anderssen. Grandmama added those so that Bella could transition her favorite dress from summer into winter. She would wear it EVERY DAY if she could. She even had a perfect Thanksgiving outfit all laid out for the school program...and vetoed it.

  24. Where are the puppy pictures?!! Need to see the puppies!!!

  25. Dear God, your "lazy" bullet days are longer than most people's normal blogposts.