Up and down tonight in the glory of hot/cold, extremely crazy/not quite so crazy, bizarre hormonal fluxuation, and I'm studying my product insert for the nice little new estrogen patch I'm sporting just below my belly-button (Vivelle-Dot 1.0, if anyone has any input; vegetable-derived estrogen), and one of the warning signs at which I am to contact a doctor ASAP is "unusual vaginal odor." Ummmmm...OK. Like, say, Pine Forest? Mulberry? Ylang-Ylang? Heck, I'm not even sure I'm that flexible, so it had better be obivous and downright weird.
"Yes, uh, Medical Exchange? I, uh, have an emergency, I think, because I use the Vivelle-Dot patch, and the removal of my underwear today released a distinct patchouli/sweet orange blend, and I had not used my hemp soap recently..."
And yes, until I can be sane and sleep through the night and not panic every other hour or so, you can expect this sort of thing. I apologize to all the children, and members of my family. Of course, members of my family are not surprised, so there ya go.
Also? Someone please tell me that I'm NOT going to have breast cancer, a stroke, heart attack, or blood clot now that I'm taking estrogen. Please. I'll believe you. I don't have to worry about the other symptoms, like uterine, ovarian, or gall-bladder cancers, because I don't have any of those things. I do, however, still have breasts and a heart.
ONE OTHER THING, sprung from the comments of the previous post: Something I think we as women need to mount a crusade about is the misleading quality of terms like "hot flash" and "night sweats." I mean, they just sound so...BENIGN. You know? Even I thought, when it was discussed previously, that I would have to suffer through "hot flashes" and "night sweats," Hey, no problem!" I mean, how hard does THAT sound? A "flash" obviously lasts mere seconds, and a little sweating at night? BIG DEAL.
So obviously, something must be done about this obviously male-originated terminology. I am offering, as my suggestions, "rapid-cycling temporal agony" and "the seemingly eternal misery of the swamp-fevers." I'm taking any additional suggestions for appropriate renaming of "hot flashes" and "night sweats." Any takers? I'm ready for a revolution. SOMEONE besides Caroline Myss has got to talk about this stuff, for real.
Oh, and those of you of child-bearing age, with NORMAL female parts and working systems? Stop griping about your PMS. Seriously. Relish this pre-menopausal time in your lives with everything you've got. I kid you NOT. I am, after all, the IDIOT who used to say, "How long until menopause?" Of course, I wasn't dealing with your run-of-the-mill symptoms, so perhaps I can be excused my ignorance. Perhaps.
I feel like I might even work up a poop for tomorrow--how's THAT for news? Stay tuned...things are sure to be riveting around here.