I love you people. I am surrounded by love and support from not only my family and friends here, but from so many of you...everything from beautiful flowers to books and toys and silly poodle get-well cards, to gourmet cookies, and even a ridiculously comfy Turkish cotton waffle-weave robe that came monogrammed "NinjaMamma," that in my currect condition, I put on and take off approximately 4,922 times a day, and I love it. Bella even got the sweetest little bracelet that made her gasp upon opening--pastel purple with a silver tab that reads, "I DO believe in angels." The great part about that gift is that moments before, she had just walked in the door to see me at home for the first time in almost a week, and she ran over and hugged me, then asked, "Mommy, what did you say when you were at the hospital?"
I answered, "I said that I sure did miss my baby girl."
"And what did you say about your baby girl?"
"I said that I missed her because she is my angel."
"Yes. I AM your angel."
And then she opened the little red box that contained the little "I do believe in angels" bracelet, and just flipped clean out when she found out what it said. So, GOOD JOB, you. (If you ask her, however, what the inscription reads, she will inform you that it says, "Only one angel can wear THIS bracelet.") Similarly, my wonderful friend Lisa who was my first post-op visitor, brough some sweet things for Bella, including a tiara that reads "Princess" across the front, although according to Bella, it says, "Only one princess can wear THIS crown."
Thank you, everyone, for your support. Prayers, especially, I could feel and was uplifted. I wanted so badly to talk to you--there were so many emotions and feelings and just...stuff that needed expressing, and I simply couldn't do it. I'm having a lot of trouble now.
Someone commented here on a previous post, something to the effect that they had a hysterectomy after endometriosis and did NOT do the estrogen-deprivation program. If that person is still around ( I just can't stay at this long enough to dig through the posts and find the commenter), I would love to hear more from you. Because I just don't think I can do this. I mean, I really, just, DON'T. I feel crazy. I feel unstable. I feel hot, and cold, and sick, and anxious, and like my heart is going to explode. I cannot live like this. Help? Anyone? I have a call-back from the doctor's office later today, when I can ask questions, and I don't even know what to ask. I'm trying to decide if I don't even care about the endo coming back because this is no way to live. I'm wishing I could trade back, and have the pain again, just to get rid of this heart-bursting anxiety. I'm wanting not to scar my daughter with the amount of time her mother spends in bed, and crying. I want my Daddy. I need help.
I just feel like I made a huge mistake. I have not known this quality of misery. There is a medication, "Evista," I think--I haven't been able to research it yet--that the doctor is planning to put me on, but I don't know what the side effects are, and as I understand it, it does not address hot flashes or night-sweats. And nowhere anywhere has anyone ever mentioned this insanely high anxiety level. The only time I feel ANY semblance of self-control is the hour or two after a dose of Xanax. So, yeah, if I could just take 8-10 Xanax every day, I might be able to soldier through. But how am I going to LIVE like this? I just should have put this off until I had more and more and more information. WHY didn't I do that? I always have before. I just feel worse than I've ever felt, and I can't do anything about it. I feel like I'm dying.
Can anyone help? Sources? Personal experience? Anything?
Again, thanks for everything, and sorry to disappear for so long. It has taken me forever to get THIS post done, in fits and starts, and lots of editing for typos. I might be able to read some. If you've tried to email and not gotten an anwser, I'm sorry. I'll do my best to handle that. The best address to use in ninjapoodlesATgmailDOTcom. I'll get there eventually, I hope. Right now I can't even imagine living a normal life again. What have I done?
UPDATE--Just got the call back from my doc, who asked what was going on, at which point I exploded into a blubbering, nonsensical, volcanic spewing of despair. Once he could make out what I was saying, he basically said that we're waiting on the pathology report, to see how much endo was present--he could not see very much, but that was with the naked eye--and that after that, we could make a call as to what could be done for my current symptoms, and for the time being, pretty much gave me carte blanche to take my Xanax and Percocet at will, to keep the racing-heart/blood-pressure/anxiety symptoms at bay. Because the post-op pain? Nil. So I haven't really been taking the pain meds since I got home. But he says they will help with calming, so, OK. Whatever.
So there we are. He mentioned everything from Evista to progestin to estrogen to depo-provera, and every combination in between. I know that when it comes down to brass tacks, I'll be the one who has to make the decision, and I'm clueless about the whole mess. Estrogen will help my symptoms, like anxiety, hot flashes, night-sweats, etc., but it will give my endometriosis fuel to grow. It's a no-win situation. I feel lost.