Tuesday, May 23, 2006

stupid worthless

Stupid disease, stupid treacherous body, stupid doctors in a stupid medical establishment that doesn't even understand stupid disease, stupid hopelessness and stupid, stupid, worthless crying. Stupid faking like it doesn't hurt or nothing's wrong.

Stupid dismal treatment options. Stupid last resort that puts an end to my hopes of ever having another baby not even being a sure thing.

Stupid nobody to blame.

Stupid pointless whining, and stupid, stupid, stupid crying.


  1. Oh Belinda
    I'm so sorry that this is where you're at, physically, medically, and emotionally. I know I can't begin to understand, but...

    Stupid lack of words to make you feel better...

    You're in my thoughts.

  2. If a hand can reach across the virtual space and give you a gentle pat, my hand would. To think of a move -- even with family around and nearby -- and medical struggles and animals and a precious little one... Any words that might help -- those green things growing around your pond? They look like the weeds sprouting on my terrace. I call them weeds because they just grew without any intentions or help from me. Dandelions, weeds as we call them, were brought over as vegetables by the French... so who is to say what we know or don't know... I'm pulling some of my weeds out and letting some others stay, just to see what they might become or make of themselves.

    You, too, might not know if your struggles will turn out to be unwelcome weeds or somehow give you some strength or courage or sympathy or something that when you look back much later, you'll see as a postive. To this day I love lemons, mainly because my mom always used to say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Yeah, and I distinctly remember wanting more sugar on that lemon slice and the pucker ugly face from the sourness.

    Hey -- sorry for the verbocity. My heart aches for you. Cheers...Sincerely.

  3. Sweetness,

    As is my forte, I could go on and on about this and nothing would do a bit of good for you.

    I only know to reciprocate (and you KNOW I mean this, too!) what you expressed.

    YOU, I love. I love you.

  4. Geez, Belinda. I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain. We love Y'awl! Lots and lots of hugs from me!

  5. (HUGS). In a way disease is a contributing factor to Alan being an only child. I wanted more than one, but I think for all 3 of us - he's going to be the only one.

    If only we lived closer, Bella and Alan could be each others siblings. At least each of has one "cousin" for our child - Bella has Grayson, and Alan has "Jeff-Jeff".

  6. Belinda so sorry to hear this. If you decide on the surgery, I'd say the wonderful surgeon you had in New Orleans should be high on your list as possible surgeons.

    So sorry you are in so much pain. I'm just glad you have the support system you do and pray the love so many feel for you can help you through this.

  7. So sorry sweetie - I wish I could take it all away....
    Love and Hugs,

  8. STUPID! (that's me agreeing) Big hug.

  9. Sometimes a good whine helps. Life is rough. Here's hoping some good appears soon.

  10. Delurking to second this comment: "Stupid lack of words to make you feel better..." Also tearing up, as if that will do you any good, either. I'm so sorry.

  11. Aw, honey I'm so so sorry. And like Joh said, "Stupid lack of words to make you feel better." We love you.

  12. I am so sorry to read how upset you are today. :-(

    And yet I see this picture...

    ... and can't help but think that you are still one of the luckiest people on earth.

    Feel better you, because you are so loved. :-)

  13. So sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And as Dave said, you are so loved. Be good to yourself.

  14. i understand as you know. and crying and complaining aren't not stupid, as Carolyn has said.

    love you


  15. ((((((((((((Belinda))))))))))))

  16. It is not stupid, and neither is the crying. My sister has this same problem. Her pain is also very real. They haven't been able to do much for her either.

    I am sending you many good vibes from this side of the pond.

  17. oh Belinda I'm so sorry - you're such a good person, I hate to hear bad things happening to kind people like you.

    I'm not a big hugger, but sending you a bear hug right now.

  18. exactly how I felt this morning!
    (different disease, but still).

    I hope you feel a bit more on top of things soon, I know that can go in waves. My heart goes out to you xx

  19. I'm sorry....

    I'll second (third) "Stupid lack of words to say."

  20. I know you've heard it over and over from all the other commenters, but I am truly sorry. Very truly sorry.

  21. It's never pointless to say what you got to say.

    Talking is all we got sometimes.

    Feel better soon.

  22. Is a repeat of the "good" surgery in New Orleans an option?

  23. B,

    You and I must be linked in suffering. Although it's a different pain for different reasons, the misery of self is similar. I feel ya, and I'm sorry. As I've said before, I'd be glad to rent/lease/sell you one of mine, especially now that Amber has started driving.
    I've started blogging again, and if you'd like to maybe take your mind off your suffering for a minute, you are more than welcome to laugh at mine. (yours is no laughing matter)

  24. Belinda, I'm so very sorry. You must be so frustrated, nevermind the pain and worry.

    Wish I could hug you and be of some comfort. You have all my very best wishes.

  25. I have no experience with what you are feeling right now, but want to send you my support and encouragement.
    Crying is not stupid and neither are your feelings. I pray that here is an answer for you somewhere to help the pain go away.

  26. Just came by for some more NinjaPoodle/MochaMomma love. Can't get enough of that and you just may need an extra dose right now.

  27. Ok, here is something to take your mind of reality.

    My son just looked at Mocha's picture and said "she's drinking BEER, isn't she, Mommy?"

    and I replied

    "Of course honey, she's a lush!"

    I just want the squeling at blogher to be coupled with a tiny voice in the background saying "Look Mommy! It's the LUSH!"

  28. Wow, I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.

    You know you have many souls pulling for you. That's a lot of prayer power, my friend.

    And stop saying "stupid", dammit! Crying and whining are outlets and they are not stupid!

    Virtual hug, buddy.

  29. "ticking timebomb of pain and fear"-Oh, HONEY. I'm so sorry. But you deserve to have some peace of mind after all you've been through. I'm giving you an extra big hug at BlogHer, okay?

  30. Been there, done that, Belinda. You are in my thoughts!

  31. (((Belinda))) I'm sorry. This sucks.