Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I HATE Your Fast

The object of my advertising ire has a name! And that name is Crispin Porter + Bogusky, advertising agency. They're an award-winning ad agency, but here's the thing: They suck. Seriously. You know those Burger King commercials, with the freaky giant-plastic-headed guy that gives you nightmares? This one?

Yeah. Thought so. You hate it too, right? Who doesn't? From the first time I saw it, I screamed, "WHO IS THEIR AD AGENCY???" at the television. Well, now I know, and as it turns out, they are also responsible for two more of my personal currently MOST HATED commercials. I actually hate ALL of the VolkswagenGTI commercials which feature "My Fast," the weird little black devil-ball that looks like a combination of a webcam and a gargoyle/hobgoblin, has a voice right out of "The Exorcist," and seems to represent the Ids, or baser instincts, of young males...which I think we all know are pretty readily accessible most of the time, anyway.

Let it be known, CP+B: I HATE "YOUR FAST." And young 18-25 males, you powerful marketing demographic, you? You know that the one thing you want more than anything else in the world is sex. You know it. I know it. Every female you encounter knows it. And while "sometimes [your] Fast doesn't get along with [your] girlfriend," let me just assure you that you don't have to worry about that, because you won't have a girlfriend for long, because HER SELF-RESPECT DOES NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FAST. The tag line from another hated commercial, "My Fast makes it hard to have a relationship," should really be a clue for you. Tell your girlfriend/wife that she is too heavy to carry along on an errand in your precious car, or that her "yakking" is interfering with your enjoyment of said precious car when she is politely asking you to roll up the windows, and you'd better hope said precious car comes with a blow-up doll...or a feature like the one from the SNL commercial for the "Mercury Mistress." (Remember that one, with Phil Hartman: "The car so sexy, you'll want to have sex with it?" Ewww.)

And finally, I heard on NPR, someone in the know who voiced my feelings about these awful Volkswagen commercials better than I can: Seth Stevenson.

If you feel the same way I do about these commercials, let the company know. I know I'd be happy to return to the easygoing "everyperson's car" vibe from the old VW commercials.

I'll get around to it, but first I have to find some way to vent my disgust at what happens to child-friendly cable-TV network "Noggin" after 6:00 P.M. More on that later, as Betty Friedan continues to roll over in her grave.

16 comments:

  1. I have no idea what you're talking about! (and I'm too lazy to click on all of the links, but good on ya for finding them all!)

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  2. Okay, the BK guy really freaks me out. I usually switch channels if their commercial comes on. I watched the VW links and would have to knock my BF out of the car if he said that to me. I'm not naturally a violent person, but that might push me over the edge.

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  3. I've never seen those commercials alas. But I doubt I'd like them.

    I do agree with you about Noggin. It switches after 6 to N (the older teen Nickelodeon channel) - and I usually try to switch the tv over to Nick very quickly. Maybe Nick isn't the best, but it is pretty tame and he's basically seen Nick since he was very little.

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  4. Sing it sister! I hate those commercials, too!!! And the other V-dub commercial? The one with the "german" guy who wants to un-pimp the ride or some such bs? Wow, they need to get someone else on that account PRONTO.

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  5. MrsFortune!! OH NO! I was just about comment that I hated the little evil thing but looooooooooove the V-Dub guy! He freaking cracks me up!! It's Peter Stormare - the quiet guy killer from Fargo. HEHE!

    But yeah, the evil webcam and the creepy king?? KILL 'EM. :D

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  6. I absolutely hate the BK ads, I mean, wtf? The one where the guy wakes up to the BK in his bed? It completely creeps me out. I haven't been to BK since, I'm too afraid.

    And the VW ads with the little gremlin thing? They make my inner violent femme want to come out and play.

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  7. I do so miss American advertising -even the crap, which you've highlighted so well.

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  8. I like the Burger King. I think he's dreamy.

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  9. I have also wondered how the people making these (stupid and ridiculous) commercials keep their jobs. It's obvious that the commercial decision makers have a few loose screws.

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  10. They are not running those VW commercials here at all (midwest) so I'd never seen them before. Wonder if they are trying them out first in your area to see the reactions?

    I hated them! Especially the one with the windows down, that woman should have knocked him out of the car.

    My first car was a VW Beetle!

    The BK is totally creepy, *that* I have seen before.

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  11. i haven't seen that little thingie, but i had a '96 GTI. i'm a car girl, and i LOVED IT. i thought i wanted a new one (because the commercials? it tunes out when i see the car) until i realized that every single one of them i've seen on the road has been driven by a college boy. i think i'll hold out for a beemer... i love me a german car!

    and what's up with the noggin? i have no idea what you're talking about, but you mentioned good ol' betty, so i'm listening.

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  12. I love you more than ever right now.

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  13. I can honestly say I've never seen the "My Fast" commercials. Weird. I thought I watched too much TV, yet somehow I missed this. Go fig.

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  14. Man do I hate those 'Fast' commercials. And so does my fiance. He agrees with me that they are obnoxious and sexist. But I guess being 31 he's outside their demographic anyway.

    But as much as I hate the 'Fast', I sure do love me the Unpimp Your Ride guy. That actor cracks me up everytime I see those commercials.

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  15. I hate their Fast, too, with squinty-eyed rage. Thanks for doin' a little sumpin' about it, B.

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