Monday, February 27, 2006

We're Thinking of Instituting A "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy

While clipping Bella's fingernails, and making what I thought was just chatter...

Me: "Oh, my goodness, Bella! This fingernail is dirty! What in the world is all this?"

Bella: "Boogers."

And later, at dinner...

Bella: "Cereal hurts my butt."

Me: "Um--it does?"

Bella: (dropping a small piece of something onto the table) "Yeah. I was sitting on a Cheerio."

Me: (relieved, laughing) "Ohhhh...OK! Ha, ha!"

Bella: "But burritos make my butt feel better."

I didn't ask. And I don't regret it.

And from the husband:

During a recent (and rare, because I find Maher to be a thinly-disguised misogynist of the highest order, as well as a PeTA shill) viewing of Bill Maher's show, there was a segment on the future retirement of the space shuttle Atlantis. The gag went something like this (I am paraphrasing rather than waste time looking up Bill Maher transcripts)--"Why stop there, at retirement? Since the American people's attitude toward science is apparently, 'screw it!', why not just take Atlantis to one of the 5 stupidest states, and let the locals beat it to pieces with sticks?" We laugh, Alex and I, and then I cry out, "NO, don't say that! They'll bring it HERE!"

There's a short pause, then we both crack up laughing again, and look at each other, realizing we're thinking the same thing, which Alex articulates:

"You're thinking I'd be out there in line with a stick, too!!

Me: (laughing so hard I'm wheezing) "Yes! Because you WOULD!"

Alex: "Darn right! How many chances in life are you gonna get to hit the space shuttle with a stick?" (puts on extreme hick voice) "HunnEEEE! Get'cher whackin' stick; that-there spaceship's a-comin'!"

I'm going to read a book now, I think.


  1. I love you guys. I really, really do. You bring humor to my otherwise dull life. I wonder if Alaska qualifies as one of those 5 states... probably. Great post, as usual!

  2. You guys are funny - Bella is hilarious.

  3. I dare say that "Cereal Hurts My Butt" would make an awesome name for a blog. :-)

  4. Burritos are soft! Sitting on that would be better than cereal.

  5. The space shuttle program is a disaster. I'll hit it with a stick.

  6. I thought the only thing they poked with sticks in the South were dead bodies.

    Boy, do I feel foolish now.

  7. Dan--that's POKING, and there's lots more stuff you poke with a stick than dead things, though that is the primary method of checking for deadness. We're talking here of WHACKING things with a stick. Whole other ballgame.

    digi--we'll call you if they wind up here. You don't even have to bring your own stick.

    kristina--but the squashing! Burritos would have to be contained in a leakproof bag of some sort, guaranteed not to burst. But I see your point.

    Dave2--so would "Implied Urethra."

    jess--you gotta laugh to keep from crying. Or I do, anyway, and sometimes that doesn't work.

    erin s--having only lived there for one summer, I'm not sure. I'd imagine that the "stupid" states pretty much align with the "poor" states, but I could be wrong. As we always say around here, "Thank goodness for Mississippi."

  8. I think the refried beans have a very calming, healing effect

  9. i love the idea of hitting the Atlantis with a stick.

    when i was at the Wright Pat AF Museum i touched the stealth plane because I wanted to. i got in trouble with the security guard because no one is supposed to touch such a special plane. whatever.

    so hitting the Atlantis with a stick sounds way cool to me.

  10. When your family is close & you communicate, you don't need outside entertainment. My kids grew up in a very different socioeconomic situation, but our fondest memories are like those you just described.
    I wonder how Bella feels about sitting on peas. Dare you ask her?

  11. You guys crack me up! Thanks for the laugh!

  12. IE--You try a refried bean chair, and let me know how it works out. I'll go next.

    Ally Bean (we have a real bean theme going here)--I, too, have illicitly touched the "stealth" bomber, at an air show at the LRAFB! I guess we weren't "stealthy" enough. But I kinda felt like if I could SEE it, I should be able to TOUCH it.

    jane--I don't know, but I can guarantee you she'd KNOW it was there.

    momdana--no problem! We laugh to keep from crying.

  13. I just found you via Ellen's blog. I laughed several times reading thru some of your entries, especially the "don't be a hater" LOL It sounds like you are a fun family.

  14. Hi, Amie--Ellen and I both live in Arkansas. It's a great place, but you gotta have a sense of humor. Hee. I'll be by to visit you!

  15. Darlin', I'd make a trip over the river and down I-40 to come take a whack at Atlantis! The Mississippi in me would simply cry out for me to do it!

  16. Let me be the 894th person to probably say this: Bella is learning from the best. She will keep you in stitches once junior high melodrama/sarcasm hits. You'll LOVE it.

  17. OMG girl you are so funny! i think i'd give myself a hernia from laughing so hard if i spent any length of time with ya'll!
    thanks for stopping by my place! love having you over !

  18. Thank you for reminding everyone that Bill Mahr is a misogynist. I used to LOVE him, and then it must have dawned on me: Hmmm, he is a woman-using sleazeball. And a smart-ass hack to boot.

    Y'all are a the Cheerio moment.

  19. Uh, okay I confess. Science-loving, evolution-loving me, would beat other people with a stick for the chance to beat the Shuttle with stick.

  20. lol about touching the stealth. middle age rebellion is fun. so much more low-key than teen rebellion-- but equally satisfying.

  21. Hilarious!!!!

    "and rare, because I find Maher to be a thinly-disguised misogynist of the highest order, as well as a PeTA shill) viewing of Bill Maher's show"

    I soooo agree with you about Maher. I can't stand him. Also, has he had work done to his face? (Grimace)

  22. Dixie--I KNOW!! What's the deal?

    mrsrum--next time she's behaving like she was last night at the Dixie Cafe, I'll give you a call. Ohhhh, you'll laugh. With joy that you're not there.

    mocha--I swear, if you curse me with a child "just like me," as my mother did, I will taint your coffee. I'll do it.

    jac! Tried to rent space on your blog, but the offer expired. Charge more, anyway!

    zeldafitz--same here. We can't be that oblivious, so I'm thinking that in the beginning, before he got more popular, he kept it hidden. But watch him now, and you can't help but see it: Bill Maher hates us females, and see us only for our prospective usable "parts".

    Pat, we are definitely science-loving evolution-believers (as are most Christians I know, but don't get me started on the unfairness of being represented in the media by nutballs like Pat Robertson), but I think "redneck" is just something you can't educate out of a person. You must have it!

    ally--if they didn't want me to touch it, they should have made it stealthier. And in my case, I *had* to touch it to assure myself that it was not, in fact, made of spray-painted cardboard. Did it not look like that to you? I was seriously thinking that they were having me on, and this was a big ol' model.

    divinecalm--Oh, I think you are SO right about the plastic surgery! It fits his personality, too. Urgh.

  23. I think we should build a big wall around your state...


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