Just...overwhelmed. That's the best I can do, in a word. Sometimes it's all just too much, you know? Someone remind me that moving is stressful, and that this will pass. Right now I just feel like I can't do enough, and what I do isn't right. No matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day, I've disappointed someone, or everyone. If I'm at work, then there won't be enough hours in the day to do the things that my family need. If I'm not at work, my family won't have enough money to get by, or health insurance. The enormity of the responsibility of this big ol' house is starting to loom large in my mind, overshadowing the joy of, "hey, new house!"
Part of me feels like this is just a part of motherhood. You can't ever do enough, you can't ever get "finished," and you can't ever let go. Yes, the rewards of parenting are ample, and no way would I go back. But it's hardly equitable most of the time, is it? My mother did it, worked 8-10 hours plus, came home, cleaned, cooked, laundered, and fell into bed exhausted and put everyone else's needs before her own. But the fact that she was able to do it without actually killing herself does not make it right, and I'd give anything if I'd realized that back then. It wasn't right then, and it isn't right now--in my situation, because I'm just not that capable. I can't do it. So someone is always let down.
I'm not depressed (clinically, anyway); I'm not husband-bashing, because I have a good one, but I am just...overwhelmed and sad at the enormity of the tasks before me, and the ongoing nature of them. I see a life where I will never, ever "catch up."
I'm doing the best I can, and it's not enough. And typing that sentence just made me cry. Someone, please tell me--if ever there was a time to leave a comment here, this is it--HOW do you do it? Or how do you reconcile yourself and those around you to the fact that you can't, that it's too much?