Sunday, January 29, 2006

Out And About

Or, Can't. Stop. Photo. Blogging. Sorry for the tedium, but some things are just better left to pictures. (Click any of them to enlarge, if you like.) Had a million errands to run today, consisting largely of a huge excursion to Wal-Mart, during which, you will be proud to note, I did not Freak Out. But I have to show you what I saw there, because...well, I can't purge it from my own mind any other way than by polluting yours. First of all, let me assure you that I am not a Wal-Mart snob (and yes, we all hate it, don't we? but it really can't be avoided here). Really, I'm not. But instead of going to my usual "Super" Wal-Mart today, I went to the closer, but smaller and more rural store in the other town of the two between which our new place is sandwiched.

It's a whole different world, the small Wal-Mart. I couldn't find anything, and got close enough to the precipice of the Freak Out that I left without several things on my list. I will get them later at the "proper" Wal-Mart in the other town (and nope, there's no K-Mart, Target, or anything else in either town). So while I was wandering around the garden section looking for food for my newly acquired koi-pond fish (apparently there are 30-40 fish in there; can you believe it?), I stumbled across a large display of what, to me, was a disturbing item, given the amount of hard-won shelf-space devoted to it. The buyers for the store obviously expect it to be a huge seller. I mean, I know this is Arkansas, but...OK. Remember Billy Bass? The stupid plastic animated fish on a wall-mount who would flop and sing "Take Me To The River?" Well, this item was along those lines: The package reads, "DIGGER DOG--He digs! He scratches! He passes gas!" And Bella really, really wanted one. Right then. When she heard the farting. *le sigh.* Of course, I will be sending this gift to every Jack Russell terrier-owner I know.

And now for some of my favorite things about our new location:The Squirrel Bridge. We can't figure out anything else it could be. It's about 2 feet long by 10 inches wide, and leads from a tree in the front pasture over the fence into the terraced garden that surrounds the house. Anybody else have any ideas about this structure? It's like a deer stand for gnomes, but it faces our home, which would be troubling if that were the case.This is just a small part of the huge, crowded goat farm you have to pass to get to my house. It smooth cracks me up, and there's almost always a loose goat or two in the road, or some lounging roosters or something. I probably wouldn't laugh as hard, though, if I were the owner of this property,which is slap next door, quite neat and proper, and by neighbors' accounts, was there first. Ouch.Also? At the local Chinese joint? Wings from chickens OR DRAGONS, people.

AND FINALLY (audible sighs of relief coming through my modem, I swear I can hear them), the latest in the My Husband Is A Macho, Macho Man saga. He was out at Home Depot, picking up supplies for Manly Man Projects, because he can in fact do anything (except make coherent analogies), and called here to see if I needed anything. Sweet, huh? And how did I repay that? Well, I sent him next door to Kroger for Monistat 1-Day Treatment (Male readers, you do not have to avert your eyes, it won't get graphic, I promise. I will say, though, that I never had a yeast infection in my LIFE until I had a baby. Thanks, Bella!). He never flinched, because that's the kind of guy he is. Uber-secure in his masculinity, and not daunted in the least by the task of picking up feminine hygeine products. So, hey, here's some useful information--call it a public service:See that little plastic bar-code thingy on the right side of the box? That, my friends, is a SECURITY TAG. On Monistat. The kind of security tag that sets off loud alarms if you try to take it out the door of the huge, highly-populated store, if the checker doesn't remove it. Which, as you can see, she didn't. So Alex had to show his receipt to the Monistat Cop at the front of the store to prove he'd paid for the yeast infection medication. And he didn't even TELL me this story until hours later, because he hardly thought anything of it! THAT'S a real man, ladies and gentlemen! I myself would have been mortified, because as a (somewhat) proper Southern Lady, I like to pretend that I do not have sex, indigestion, body odor, bowel movements, or flatulence--much LESS yeast infections, which surely must indicate some sort of character flaw.

So what's up with the security tag on the Monistat? Are there really that many criminally-minded, candida albicans-overrun women loosed on this part of the world? Is it a black market item? We use it in dogs' ears sometimes when they get yeast infections in there, but I can't really think of any other "off-label" uses for it, unless it's like the cough medicine/methamphetamine thing, and punk kids are now manufacturing a topical form of some ecstasy-like drug using Monistat as a key ingredient.

Oh, man...I was SO wasted on yeast-balls last night!

18 comments:

  1. Yowza! You are funny!

    Isuffer the same post children womanly problem and it really sucks. I eat yogurt every day - seems to help.

    WalMart literally gives me hives - it's my outer anxiety sign.

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  2. No Target! I'd be miserable. (I like to visit superwalmarts because we don't have them in NJ - but most of my money goes to the 10 minute away Target...especially the clearances!)

    I guess Target is afraid to move into Walmart's home state :(

    Feel better soon. And Alex is wonderful to get that stuff without a complaint.

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  3. Wal-Mart is an Arkansas native, no?

    Yes, I did notice in my very southern college that Southern women are very good at hiding all bodily functions - it is like watching a Geisha, they are great! I should have learned something from my deb ball hallmates.

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  4. Alex is truly a mellow fellow. No drama with the monostat is pretty darn cool.
    Wal Mart is the devil. They are trying to divert their employees to Badger Care up here (subsidized health insurance for poor & unemployed). They never stop. I hate them.

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  5. Geez..your day was so much like mine yesterday (minus the Squirrel Bridge) that its almost creepy!

    We made a trip to the dreaded Walmart and also took notice of Digger Doggie, which I might add took up an entire end-cap. And THEN, I had to go searching for the Monistat and couldn't find it so I had to ASK...because there was no way I was leaving without it. Yeah, and I haven't even had children yet. Anyway, isn't that weird?

    Oh, and that Monistat crap is of the devil. I wanted to claw my eyes out for at least 2 hours last night. Just thought I'd share. :-)

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  6. always pick the dragon wings before the chicken wings....

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  7. Dragon Wings. Mercy. How horrible. Dragons aren't an endangered species.

    I am a Wal-Mart snob. Hate it...absolutely hate it. Hated it long before it got all the bad press.

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  8. That would be 'dragons ARE an endangered species.'

    Too bleeping early in the morning.

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  9. If there's tags on the Monistat, that means people are stealing them...

    Which means stealing them is profitable...

    Hmmmm.

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  10. jess-my shrink actually told me that Wal-Mart is a very common place for panic attacks. The bright lights, colors, activity--it's designed to be stimulating so you shop more. No wonder it makes us crazy!

    Leslie--there's a Target about 30 miles away, JUST too far to be convenient. We do usually go there when we're "in the neighborhood."

    VG--Yep, Sam Walton was a hometown boy, and I suspect is rolling over in his grave at what his creation is becoming. From all accounts, he was truly a good guy, and built something unique from nothing, in one of the poorest parts of the whole country. I don't think his vision is being respected today. And yes, unless they grow up with sisters, I think men from down here get married before they find out that girls fart.

    Michelle--you're right, of course. It's really bad somewhere like here where there is no alternative, because they've driven everyone else out of business. And I have to say, apropos of nothing, that "Badger Care" is a REALLY bad name for an HMO. Seriously.

    Melissa!! You saw the farting dogs AND bought Monistat? Something's obviously in the water in this area. Hmmmm. Alex bought mine at the new fancy Kroger. And yes, the entire end-cap devoted to the dogs was what scared me. Interestingly, pre-Bella, I did get thrush in my mouth (very painful), which is the same overgrowth of yeast as the "other" infection, but it never relocated until after the baby. And now I never get it in my mouth any more!

    army wife--what do you know? Obviously something you're not telling! I'm assuming since they're not expensive, the restaurant must have an ample supply from somewhere...

    Pat--I KNOW!! Dragons! And I meant I wasn't a snob about the little WM versus the Super one. But I lied about that. Gosh, my dad would do anything to avoid going to Wal-Mart. And yet, he loved trips to Sam's Club. Came home with a gallon jar of pickled artichokes once that became a family heirloom, until Mom refused to move them to a new house. Ah. Good times.

    Dan--yes. OR, those stupid little chips are tracking the sale, attaching it to your use of a debit or credit card, and targeting you for future marketing and heaven knows what else. Ugh.

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  11. Ah, if only we could give "digger dog" the yeast infections, that'd solve two-two-TWO problems in one.

    I shop at the Mart, I admit it. All the academisnobs in my area frequent the fancy, faux-Euro grocery, but I's a po' woman...and hey, at least I never run into them at Wal-Mart.

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  12. The security tag is clearly meant for un-Macho Macho Men (unlike Uber-Alex) who can't face the cashier with such a ... a ... purchase, so smuggle the goods out under their ball caps. *Now* who's embarrassed?

    Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

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  13. The question is, are you embarrassed when you buy the monistat for the dogs? I think that its a psychological thing. Monistat for dogs, NO PROB!! Monistat for woman, hmmm,!! Love you! GO Alex, I don't know that I could do it. Buying toilet paper bothers me.

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  14. Stef--first, um...gross. Second, you are exactly right. I would have to drive very far to find a higher-priced alternative to Wal-Mart, which would not have everything I need, and I would burn way too much gasoline in my Essa-Yew-Vee, which is actually a *working* vehicle, in the process.

    Andrea--You gotta wonder, don'tcha?

    Britt--Newsflash: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU POOP, AND THEY *HOPE* YOU WIPE AFTERWARD. But you're right about the other thing, because I don't blink buying it for I dog, nor did it ever bother me keeping the first-aid kit in the barn stocked with K-Y Jelly. Because it was for the horses. I never even thought of that. There I'd be with like 6 giant tubes of the stuff...wonder what the checker thought?

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  15. I cant even BEGIN to tell you the number of times i have had the urge to steal monistat... i used to lift the summer's eve, but that got too nervewracking. I don't use either, but I have a GREAT fort made outta the boxes.

    Maybe it's MY fault there are tags on them?

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  16. I used to work in a pharmacy, and yeah, that stuff gets stolen, mostly out of embarrasment. Also condoms. And pregnancy tests.

    As far as "removing" the tag though. It doesn't get removed, it just gets "scanned". It has some sort of electic current thing that has to be interupted by the scanner thing.

    Alex is a VERY brave man though, I have to say. My hubby is too, but EVERY time I send him to get that stuff (or similar stuff) he always gets the wrong stuff. "Sweety, can you please get me the ONE DAY CAPSULE?" Comes back with SEVEN DAY CREAM! Ugh!

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  17. Ah ha. You are an astute observer in the world. It doesn't phase us up here b/c Badger care is akin to saying, um, Hogs care? (I don't know the official name of your mascot) We're the Badgers state. It's a gov't subsidized program (and Wal Mart brass thinks they are entitled to it?) so I am not sure it qualifies as an HMO in the business model sense.

    I know a lot of people who hate Wal Mart, have a Target right down the road, and still shop Wal Mart for the prices & selection. Injustices are everywhere, Wal Mart is hard to beat for some. I am glad to see some media about the state government's intervening in the unethical practices, however.

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  18. I don't know if it's really a child related thing, or if it's just an age thing, I never had a yeast infection either until about a year ago, 35-ish, and I was pregnant at the time. Who knows?

    Here I am, stuck in the great white COLD and SUNLESS northern country, wishing I was back in the sunny South, where people at least smile while they're farting!

    I am a Wal-Mart junkie, gotta love the convenience and prices, go there every day for something. However, the Wally Worlds in PA are quite sucky compared to good ol' AR, but they are adding onto our local WM in a couple months to make it a supercenter. All I gotta say is, I just hope it's better than it is now.

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