I feel like hammered dog-poo, and can't raise my head to the standard upright and locked position for more than 30 seconds without tipping over, so I lie here, flat on my back with a laptop tipped up on my knees and regale you with the warped wonder that is my life. Some cute, some beyond ridiculous. I pretty much don't post the stuff in between, because it's boring. First of all, the pictures you can take while lying in bed are limited, but still have possibilities. I give you my companion in snottiness, my partner in lethargia, my bed-buddy, Bella. Still cute any way you look at her.OK, so we were watching the original movie version of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" this morning (yeah, I'm THAT GOOD a parent), which isn't exactly scary if your 3-year-old keeps laughing at the vampires--Pee-Wee Herman does not a scary fiend make, you know. At one point, Bella locks her arms around Delta, who is of COURSE lying across the top of us, and says, "I NEED DELTA!""Oh, you do?" I ask.
"Yes. She protects me from monsters."
"Yes. Big, scary, stupid MAN-monsters."
Well, her daddy will be glad to hear that, because his mission in life since Bella's birth is pretty much to keep his daughter forever away from the big stupid man-monsters.
So then Alex comes home for lunch, which is my opportunity to stagger into the shower for some much-needed cleansing. I'm a nice person, you understand, but when I stink, I am fun-KAY. And speaking of stank, that's when I noticed this in the bathroom:Now, Alex has always favored the "Powder Fresh" scent in his deodorant of choice, which has always kind of tickled me. But now, they've changed the packaging, and specified "WOMEN" right there on the label. To be fair, that label really doesn't indicate that the product is FOR women--could be that you put it on, and WOMEN come flying at you from all directions. I don't know. But of course I had to stagger my death-on-a-cracker-looking self back into the room where he was, sing-songing, "You use a girl deodorant!"
Alex: "I do not!"
Me: (showing him the word, "WOMEN" on the label) "HAHAHAhahahaaaa....I gotta lie down."
Alex: "Well, I'm...delicate." (gathering steam now, having been rewarded by my weak laughter) "It makes me feel special. It's like wearing panties. Without, actually, you know, having to wear panties."
Me: "You're stupid."
Alex: "You're stupid." We kiss. (Aaaaaaand....SCENE.)
And this one is from last night, and dedicated to Virginia Gal, to further illustrate the constant love-affair-fairy-tale-happily-ever-after ROMANCE that is marriage.
Alex: "Baby, I need you to look at something."
Me: (guarded sigh) "What?" (That opening line is sometimes followed by some unpleasant bodily locations of said "somethings." If he can't see it, it scares us both.)
Alex: "Yeah, there's something on the back of my ear. Will you see what it is?"
Me: (relieved sigh) "OK. Um...it looks like a tiny pimple."
Alex: "Are you sure? It feels like a tumor."
Me: "Well, then, I just popped your tumor. Go to sleep."
Alex: (in small, laughing voice) "If I can't see it, it's a tumor."
Me: (with a mental tip o' the hat to Nita) IT'S NOT A TOO-MAHH."