Thursday, December 15, 2005

Just A Warning

Because I can't even speak on the subject without becoming a spitting, ranting lunatic, let me just say to any person who even thinks of introducing my daughter to one of these abominations:
There will be consequences and repercussions. Severe ones. It was bad enough when these pre-teen role models of ho-dom were introduced (what a message--"Hey, you're cool if all you do is shop, flirt, and dress like a really cheap hooker with tons of makeup and a nose that was--what--shaved away to nothingness in an excess of plastic surgery?" ARRRRGH), but now there's even a ho-baby line. WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? DO NONE OF YOU HAVE DAUGHTERS?

Seriously--the day Bella gets her hands on one of these, the person responsible is going to have such a pox upon their house...

UPDATE: Dave's comment reminded me of a post of his from a few months ago, which I never have been able to quite get out of my head (thanks, Dave!). I think the same people who buy the Lil' Hooker Baby Dolls for their daughters are the ones who are supporting this industry. Work safe, but not for the squeamish. You've been warned.


  1. Who ever thought that ho-toys could be so cute!

    Hey... wait a second... where are the herpes on their lips and a scorching case of gonorrhea? Do they come with a "pregnancy fun pack" so you can knock them up?

  2. haha ^ that was funny!

    Oh come on Belinda! They're just the Barbie of today, right? When I was like 7, I dressed my big boob Barbies with tiny waists and never-ending legs in short skirts and belly shirts and Barbie even went so far as to have sex with Ken on top of the Barbie Ferrari (BEFORE the Barbie and Ken wedding too!)--but really, I don't think I'm THAT corrupted, am I??

    Well maybe...

    Ok, don't answer that! :-)

  3. Dave2: BEST COMMENT EVAHHHHHH. I shall look forward to the Bratz Free Clinic line.

    Melissa: Don't get me started on Barbie. And I love you, but you bring one of these ho-babies around my little girl, I shall roast you on the spit I'm ordering for my new "hearth room." Ha. Just wait until YOU have one (little girl, not a roasting spit). You will be apologizing all over your mother, like I did.

  4. Barbie's Letter to Santa:

    Barbie's Letter To Santa
    Dear Santa,

    Listen, you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

    -A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

    -Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

    -A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

    -Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    -Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

    -A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    -A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

    -A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    -No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    -Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it.

    OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie xx

  5. Ugh, that website is definitely not for the squeamish! Every single one of those little girls remind me of Jon Benit Ramsey!

  6. Must be because I have boys, but I don't understand what these things ARE.
    Whatever it is, I'm not sure it's appropriate for anyone.

  7. I find it fascinating that the AFA (American Family Association) wants us to boycott the American Girl doll because it encourages our girls to be "strong," which they seem to think is a synonym for lesbian, but has nothing to say about the Bratz-hos. So it's fine to give girls doll models to become cheap sluts, but not self-sufficient young women? How did I get "family values" so wrong? Those dolls are disgusting.

    And the little girl glam photos? Too creepy for words.

  8. Sue, it seems some groups have too much time on their hands. And James Dobson has been losing his mind for some time, I'm afraid. Once he "outed" SpongeBob, he sort of lost any remaining credibility with me.

    I dunno--maybe "Bratz" only donates to Rush Limbaugh?

  9. Oh, but never fear! The conservative group Concerned Women For America has got the Bratz covered!

  10. it is ALL appalling. i too have railed on the bratz. my niece asked for them last year but no one has bought her one. she just has to accept the polly pockets with love and vacuum clogage.


  11. When I was looking for presents for my nephews I saw that these new age crack hoes have their own "Party Plane."

    And they say Barbie teaches girls bad things. Eeeesh.

  12. Barbie is tame compared to Bratz. My niece has oodles of the creepy little street walkers. And I listened in on her "playing" with them ... the scene is at the mall.

    Bratz 1: Ooo, look that guy! he's a hottie!

    Bratz 2: Quick, roll up your shirt so he can see your belly button ring.

    Bratz 3: I bet he has a girlfriend.

    Bratz 1: He'll forget all about her once he's been with me.

    Bratz 2: You go, girlfren'!

    My niece was 10 when she did this.

    I just pray my daughter keeps the pace she's on now and will be more interested in reading, games, and puzzles instead of those hoochie mama dolls.

  13. EEEK!!!

    I just went to that site! That's not right at all!!! Did you see the eyes of each of those girls!?!?!? They were the same eyes in every picture ... just different colors! What sick, twisted, demented, effed-up in the brain tool would do that to their daughter??

    That was way too creepy.

  14. There is something to be for having a boy who is obsessed with Thomas the Tank engine!

    I was toy shopping yesterday and saw GI Joe's but decided they weren't for Alan.

    The Bratz are a bit much I think and I see commercials for them all the time on TV.

  15. Jen--Keep resisting! Bella is fascinated with Polly Pocket, though we haven't gotten her any yet due to the millions of tiny pieces. She says the Bratz dolls are "ugly girls." That's my girl.

    Dan--I like Anne's assessment: "Not appropriate for anybody."

    Maidink--"Little Streetwalkers." HA! If I had heard that dialogue coming out of a 10-year-old, I think I'd still be apoplectic. Good grief--before we're even sexually mature, let's absorb the lesson that our only value lies in the males we can attract, and that we do that by whatever means necessary. Ugh. And those photos--they PHOTOSHOP them to look like that! Yet another good message: "You are not pretty enough to just take a picture of. I have to then have it digitally altered until I morph you into something freakishly unrealistic until it pleases me." Yay, parents! Gimme my kid showing off her mouthful of sharp cheddar any day.

    Leslie--I can imagine that boys and their mothers face their own set of pressures, but you're right; At least boys aren't made to feel that they are "less than" by not being someone's cheap, tarty trophy.

  16. I'm so glad that I have boys. But then, I have to keep the hoes away from them. And you know I will!

    To the moms that put their young girls in those pedophile pagents: You are sick, twisted, and not worthy of parenthood. Stop trying to live vicariously thru your little girl, fucktard.

  17. When, oh when, will Laurie come out of her shell and tell us what she really thinks? ;-)

  18. Those images are SO photoshopped... totally airbrushed. Is it not bad enough that we're turning our children into sexmeat, we have to airbrush out any NON EXISTENT blemishes too?! Talk about obsessive compulsive...

  19. Crystal--yup, that's what they advertise! Have your pictures made into this...whatever--on PURPOSE!! Yuccchhh.

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