Wednesday, December 07, 2005

How (Not) To Earn Husband Points

When helping your wife, who is experiencing terrible spasmodic back pain, up out of her chair, make exaggerated grunting sounds and say, laboredly, "Good GOSH!" as if you are attempting to singlehandedly pull a Holsteiner up out of a gully.

When wife pops "Rashomon"* into the DVD player, as it begins to play, groan loudly, "Oh, please tell me this isn't a black-and-white...Japanese...sub-titled movie!"

While one of Kirusawa's greatest films is playing, be sure that you are TiVoing "The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show." Wife will appreciate this, especially after you've demonstrated dramatically that she weighs 450 pounds in your estimation.

*All right--I know that to disrespect a Kirusawa film is pure heresy to most film buffs (kind of like admitting that you find a good 2/3 of the movie "Citizen Kane" to be boring as all get-out), I just have to say: That big fight scene, from the woodcutter's point of view, between Tajumaro and The Husband...what was that? It would have made a good slap-fight between 6th-grade girls, but an infamous highwayman and a Samurai should have been able to make a better show of a SWORDFIGHT than just scrambling around pointlessly for 10 minutes, repeatedly throwing dirt and grass at each other but never getting a blow in until the final strike, which was disappointing in itself. Maybe we're spoiled by modern film fight-choreography, but we were stunned at how lame this fight scene was. at one point, I asked Alex, "What kind of fight is this?" and he answered, "I dunno--maybe a tickle-fight?" Otherwise, we were pretty impressed at our first viewing of this cinematic masterpiece. Kirusawa was definitely ahead of his time, that's easy to see. NOW--all you Kirusawa buffs may write in telling us how daft we are for not picking up on the symbolism inherent in the ineptitude of the two supposedly great fighters. Seriously, we wanna know! Doug, I know you watched this recently. Pat? Jeff?


  1. Victoria's Secret: She's a three-hundred pound woman whose goal is to make the rest of woman-kind feel just as un-sexy.

    Husbands get all fire up and wives (this one anyway), develop the overwhelming desire to pile on unattractive flannel and eat a carton of ice cream.

  2. Funny... my dream is to watch a Kurusawa film marathon WITH Victoria's Secret Models!

  3. Noted.... making grunting noises while picking up wife.


    OH! You meant not to do that. My bad.

  4. how not to earn husband points in my house:

    -begin the installation of crown-molding in our front room and bedroom lacking necessary skills to do it properly, without enough materials to finish, and without proper tools (we have every single tool in the universe except the one that cuts the proper angle for crown-molding). make sure that all joints are STRAIGHT instead of angled to disguise the seams, and become baffled (because you don't have the proper tool) as to how to make the angle in the corner. leave the corners empty, and the job ineptly incomplete, FOR 10 MONTHS.

    -begin installation of shiny new kitchen faucet for wife, lacking proper tools, skills, etc (see above). complete installation 7 HOURS (no joke) later, with faucet unable to provid cold water. leave the faucet malfunctioning for 9 MONTHS.

    -begin installation of fence in backyard for beagles. purchase metal joint thingies to utilize existing posts in yard which are inappropriate for fencing. purchase clam-digger to make post-holes. create ONE 8' length of fencing with said improper posts and metal joint thingies, THEN dig holes only 8" deep, and wonder why it fell over in the night when a bat farted on it. leave 8' length of assembled posts laying in yard killing the grass for 6 MONTHS.

    -plan the beginnings of successive new projects and become DEEPLY offended when wife implores you to finish said existing projects before ripping the porch off the back of the house to build a deck.

    shall i continue? is your heart swelling with glee that my rose-petal-spreading, gourmet-lunch-making, love-song-listening husband is ALSO a crappy honey-do man?

    he likes you, by the way. thinks you're funny, too!

  5. Heh, heh...but his heart is in the right place, right, Andrew? But seriously--you can't start a do-it-yourself crown moulding project without a mitre saw.

    Alex is a great honey-do guy...I should rent him out. And you know, back in the "romance days," he would do the sweetest having tropical flowers shipped in from Hawaii, landscaping my entire house so I would have pretty flowers to look at while I recovered from surgery...on Mother's Day this year he made sure there were flowers not just for me, but for my mom and my grandmom as well. He's really a heck of a guy, and I give you a hard time because you're so darn squishy.'re gonna need GOOD fence, not "half-fast" fence. Countersunk into the ground, and possibly concrete. We like to start with those portable dog kennel panels you can get at TSC and go from there.

    P.S. We are crazy about beagles! They're one of our favorite breeds to watch at shows, especially the 13" class! Don't know if I could live with one, but I sure like to look at 'em!

  6. I think it was intentional. From the perspectives of Mifune's character, the samurai and the woman it was a heroic battle but from the guy who had no investment in it it was just a sorry scene. My favorite part was the rain, actually. I've lived in the desert or prairie for 30 of my 38 years and I love a good rainfall.

    No comment on the husband thing. Glass houses and all that.

  7. Rashomon is good, but it's only the fourth or fifth best of Kurosawa's films. Convince your husband to watch The Seven Samurai. If he can't get into that one, it's hopeless.

  8. Thanks, Trent--it's in our queue, we'll move it up. Alex actually got into this one as much as I did, but he never misses a chance to give me a hard time about movies that are a.) not in color and b.) foreign with subtitles. So having one that's both got him on a roll!

  9. yes, his heart is always in the right place (i hope he never finds my rant), and we are extremely squishy. :)

    speaking of beagles, the word verification is "wborrrt," which is something they say all the time. and they would be impossible to live with if they weren't so darn cute!