Thursday, November 10, 2005

What's Worse Than A Sick Child?

You know it, married peoples--say it with me: That's right, a sick MAN. And I can compare, having been home with sick Bella earlier in the week. She was just quietly pitiful and cuddly, and said, "Thank you," and "I love you, Mommy," a lot in her quiet little voice. Not so with Alex.

First of all, the moaning and groaning...oh, the moaning and groaning. I made less noise having a baby than my husband made this morning during the lengthy waking-up-with-a-sore-throat process. I kept telling him that if he'd shut up--er, try not to talk, it would hurt less, but to no avail.

And he appears to be delirious, even though he has only the tiniest of fevers. Here's an exchange we just had over the movie "Dawn Of The Dead" (that's right--sick people get to pick the entertainment):

"Alex, does that priest have a crutch for a leg?"

"Yep. Crutch-leg."

"That stinks! Well, I guess there are worse things you could have for a leg."

"Yeah. Like a pickle."

(Several seconds of silence) "That doesn't even--a pickle isn't even big enough to sub for a leg, and it's perishable!"

"Right! That's why it would make such a bad leg." (Then launches into a spoken-word version of that Arlo Guthrie song about just wanting a motor-sickle instead of a know the one. Actually, I rather hope you don't.)

We couldn't get him in to see the doctor until 7:30 tomorrow morning. Whee. So there's a whole day and night of this ahead for me. Oh, and for my poor, sick, darling husband, who is suffering mightily, of course.

The worst part? His voice. It is not only painful to listen to, but he sounds exactly like Carl from "Sling Blade." And it creeps me out, and he knows it does, so he keeps talking about things like "mustard an' biscuits," and how "coffee makes me a mite nervous when I drink it," and going, "Mmm-Hmmmm."

It is going to be a long day. And, hey--is that a zombified Hare Krishna, for crying out loud? And if so, how would you tell? Alex has just informed me, a la Carl, "Baby, Ah'm dyin'." I love him dearly, but if he comes back as a zombie, I will SO decapitate him.


  1. You can pick the entertainment by logging onto my blog.

  2. Zombie Har Krishnas are the ones that aren't smiling with their tambourines.

    Our whole house just got over the stomach virus so sympathy goes out to ya.

    And if Alex just whines anymore, just drag his ass outside and shoot him. Just make sure you shoot him in the head in case of that zombie thing.

    And hide the pickles.

  3. Aw, he's worth a whole lotta whining. I'd never shoot him in the head unless I was SURE he's a zombie. Or maybe I could just chain him up in a shed out back and still go out and watch movies with him, kinda like at the end of "Shaun of the Dead."

  4. Love that Arlo Guthrie reference, and yes, I remember the song well.

    YOu know what's even worse than grown men with sickness? Teenage boys with sickness. It's like they're in training for driving their mama's crazy by whining and complaining and ordering you about for things they 'need' right now!

    Do Zombies die if you cut off their heads?

  5. I'm working tonight, so just dump him off in the ER with the rest of the moaners and groaners.

  6. M--Yes, Zombie 101: You can only "kill" (they're already dead, you know) the walking dead by destroying the brain or removing the head from the body. And if a zombie bites you, once you succumb to the wound and die, you will rise up again as a zombie. I never understand in these zombie movies why they always wait until a bitten person turns before shooting them in the head or whatever. It's a foregone conclusion they will zombify, so a lot of time could be saved...

    L-we were at the doc at 7:30 this morning. He officially has bronchitis, pharyngitis, and an upper respiratory infection. :-(

    All together now: AWWWWWWW. Anyway, he's got abx and Histex, so I'm hoping he'll feel better soon.

  7. Awwww, poor Alex! It seems like when men get sick they REALLY get sick, doesn't it?

    I'm sorry for his poor throat, but I cracked up at the thought of him saying "Mmm-Hmmmm" just like Carl. Has he asked you for "french-fried pertaters"?

  8. She feels much better, thanks, TJ! Very snotty still, but it's allergy season here. Alex is MUCH sicker than we originally thought--I almost took him to the ER last night. Ugh. Poor baby.