Monday, October 17, 2005

Multi-Cultural Death Candy from Canada

I've always had a healthy appreciation for our "neighbors to the north", but getting to know Jen B. has given me an even rosier outlook, and allowed me to learn more about the lovely folks who can be the nicest people you ever knew, even though they live where it's already winter, and battle bloodthirsty moose, and ice-fish for their very existence (OK, maybe I haven't "learned" that much, if you want to get technical).

What I learned Saturday is that they have way better chocolate than we do. Good golly, do they have better chocolate. (Jen slipped a healthy dose into the package with Bella's dress, along with a book for me.) Also, they have access to deadly children's candy, which appears from the packaging to come from Italy, Germany, Japan, and the U.K., all at the same time, somehow.

For the rest of you Ignorant Americans who, like me, were clueless about "Kinder Surprise" eggs (this is because the FDA has banned this candy from the U.S., and made it a federal offense to "smuggle" it across our borders, making Jen now a FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE), I give you the following pictorial.
Look! Fun Halloween-themed candy! For kids! It says "Kinder" right there on the box!
Neato...lots of tasty chocolate treats...and the eggs says "Kinder Surprise", which due to my extensive knowledge of foreign languages, I know translates loosely to "Surprise for Kids". What could it be?
Some sort of giant suppository, apparently--encased in chocolate.
Oh--my mistake. The suppository opens, to reveal a half-dozen highly-chokable tiny plastic pieces of...something.
Ah--instructions! Because (I suppose) these things are prevalent in so many countries (except the U.S.A., because us Amurricans is too stewpid to keep from shoving that whole chocolate egg in our gobs and killing ourselves, and need the FDA to save us. I wonder...if they just lifted some restrictions, and let a little good ol' natural selection take place, we might have avoided some of the politicians we've experienced of late...GWB barely survived a pretzel, which is intended to be eaten--he'd never stand a chance against Kinder Surprise! Just a little chlorine in the gene pool, that's all I'm sayin'), the instructions for assembling what is apparently a tiny toy, are in pictures.
Put it all together--by which I mean have your instruction-inclined husband put it together--and you get this one-inch toy, um...insect/spaceship thing, which comes apart very easily, enabling your child to inhale plastic death with more ease.
But wait--there's MORE! Also enclosed in the chocolate egg is this little "internet surprise" slip. What is the surprise, you ask? Well, you go to the website and enter the "magicode"...
And you get to play a nifty computer game, demonstrated here by Alex and Bella, who loved it.
Hey, Bella's only 4 days away from being 3 years old. I'm sure it'll be smooth sailing after Thursday! Thanks, Jen!! You are so cool, Death Candy or no Death Candy! Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't share the card she sent with this wonderful care package, because it's the most perfect one I think I've ever gotten:

Jen ROCKS.



19 comments:

  1. i haven't laughed this hard in so long. stop it. im coughing, i might choke. oh lord. hahaha!

    ok. but seriously. no kinder surprises in the US? or are you pulling my leg?

    i forgot about the card! it was a perfect card for ME to give YOU, my american sister in poo.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    jen

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  2. My German teacher in high school used to hand kinder eggs out as prizes... Now I know he was simply a pusher of illegal goods on children!

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  3. I LOVE those eggs. We had a german exchange student whose family kept sending them to use for every holiday. I think they are just fabulous and once again am flabberghasted that kids in other countries manage to get them all through the year and yet WE Amurikans can't seem to handle them without killing off our spawn. Amazing, ain't it?

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  4. i actually think the eggs taste gross, but they are fun none the less.

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  5. Canada SO has better candy than we poor Americans. Luckily, some of it can be found at Cost Plus (or World Market, as my Southern US counterparts call it) at fairly highly marked up prices. Still, a Coffee Crisp at any price is worth it. Trust me. I may move to Canada just to have daily access to Coffee Crisp....and hockey...and Jen.

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  6. Natural selection, chlorine in the pool, too funny!! yes, if people are so stupid they stuff the whole thing in their month, they deserve the consequences :-)

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  7. Wait...they're illegal?!?

    I get them all the time at the little mexican grocery store down the block.

    But I live in Chicago, land of illegal imports.

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  8. i am your source people. they sell them at every grocery store in the land around here. call me (makes call me hand gesture).

    xo to belinda (and flippy :-))

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  9. They sell Kinder here, but without the choke-tastic toys. At least, that's what they're selling at MY grocery story...

    Alice

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  10. I forgot about the President choking on the pretzel! Hee hee:)

    Our grocery store has a whole section devoted to "ethnic" food, they carry Coffee Crisp and Violet Crumble and Jaffa Cakes. 'Cause you know when you think "ethnic" you think of Canada and England!

    I have come to learn that Jen does, in fact, rock.

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  11. "Choke-Tastic". I love it! This is starting to remind me of the old SNL skits where Dan Aykroyd was the owner of the toy company that made horribly dangerous things like "Bag-O-Glass" and "The Invisible Pedestrian" halloween costume.

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  12. Hee. Ya know, with all those dangerous toys and candies, it's a wonder the Europeans and Canadians aren't extinct. Thank God Big Brother, the FDA, is looking after us.

    How fun. I want me some contraband candy.

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  13. I buy a Kinder egg every day when I pick up my bread at the bakery. I am so up to my ears in little toys it's ridiculous but I can't stop.

    I actually squealed when I saw the commercial saying the new featured toy series is SpongBob SquarePants.

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  14. Oh my gosh, Bella would FREAK at tiny SB toys!!! Guess you'd better collect them and send them down, Jen. ;-)

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  15. Seriously, I'm gonna see if I can talk Harper into giving Dubya some of those Kinder Eggs for a Christmas present. It's so crazy it just might work.

    We can't give him Coffee Crisp; look at that family! He'd be grinding it up and snorting it in no time.

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  16. Though they are not legal in the US they are very easy to find here, but the prices are jacked up very high. I recently returned from the Olympics and was stopped at the border, not from spending over the allowable limit, but because I had the giant Kinder Eggs. It is not the Food and Drug that bans these it is the Safety Commision because a food and not food item are in the same item. Yet, do we ban Cracker Jacks? We have the most stupid laws some times. We do not ban Legos and a child could choke on them!

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