Friday, September 09, 2005


Well, my psychiatrist appointment is not for another week--they can't get me in any sooner, and there have been no cancellations. Meanwhile, my ride on the train to Panicville has been accelerating every day. (My mother has requested that Alex and I stop referring to ourselves, and especially our daughter--the only one who really isn't--as "crazy". I'll try, but I'm not making any promises. I'm on a mission to destigmatize the term "crazy", let's say. Sure, that's it.)

Dear Husband finally took it into his own hands to MAKE an appointment FOR me with our GP, despite my insistence that I would do it myself (I've no idea what reason he'd have to doubt me, as I've only been promising to do just that for the last two weeks without actually DOING it), and picked me up and DROVE me there, since the mere thought in my mind of driving down the driveway made me want to hide in the closet. He even came in with me, to prevent any possible embarrassing (to him) freak-out on my part in the exam room. Here are just a few of the things I always have to try to keep Alex from playing with while we wait for the doctor (Regrettably, I did not remember to get a photo of the latex glove Alex inflated and then batted around like a demented tabby):

'Course, once I saw THIS sign:

All camera-phone shenanigans immediately came to an end, lest I interfere with someone's pacemaker (Hi, Margalit!) or waste valuable health-care worker time with my tomfoolery.

Once the wonderful Dr. J. (no, not that one) came in, he was so sympathetic and helpful that I had to cry. (Doesn't take much with me, naturally.) In order to help me deal with the rational fact that I am most likely NOT having actual heart attacks when the panic attacks occur, even though that's what it feels like to me, he had them run an EKG and do some bloodwork. It all looks pretty normal. So after Alex's helpful diagnostic suggestion of, "She's nuts," Doc gave me a shot of Ativan (they really should make that stuff in dart-gun form, for spousal use), and I'm feeling much calmer now. If Bella will behave herself, we may even be able to watch "Notorious" tonight, which would make me feel nice.

So, I'll make it to next week, and the next appointment with the psychiatrist, and he may adjust something, or not, who knows. And God willing, I'll be able to get OUT OF THIS HOUSE and go to the office, and maybe, just maybe, the GROCERY STORE. It could happen. Keep your fingers crossed.


  1. i am so sorry sweetness. if a metric assload of empathy would help, you have it.


  2. Hugs and I hope you'll be better soon.

  3. Aw, thank you. Now, as to the conversion rate--would a *metric* assload be more or less than an empirical assload? Same sort of comparison as looney/dollar? Hmmm.

    I feel the love, and the understanding, whatever the currency. Thank you.

  4. Thanks, Leslie. I really am feeling much better now. I'm hoping it's the beginning of a trend.

  5. I'm still giggling at the thought of the two of you armed with Ativan dart guns, poodles and horses getting caught in the crossfire. "Shootout at the Arkansas Corral." But, of course, a bit more tranquil.

  6. Yes, Alex and I would BOTH have to have them, wouldn't we? And hide them in separate places? I would definitely try not to hit a poodle OR a horse, as that would waste precious sedative.

  7. OK, repeat after me: "Hi Doctor X. I'm here for the extra large, no, make that GIANT size prescription of Xanax. Not the pink ones. not the white ones, the purple ones."

    And then refuse to leave until they give you a 90 day supply. :-)

    Thanks for the shout-out. Cell phones don't really bother pacemakers, you just have to keep them at least a couple of feet away. They're using that sign to blame us heart patients when the real truth is, they find listening in on other folk's boring conversations a bit tiresome after a while. :-)

  8. Thanks, Margalit (BTW, I do so love your name. It's lyrical.) I was on Xanax before, and it was too short-acting. Thus the switch to clonazepam. I have wondered about the extended-release Xanax, though.

  9. My name is Brian Lane and i would like to show you my personal experience with Ativan.

    I am 30 years old .I started taking this drug about 10 years ago to help with some pretty bad anxiety and depression I was having at the time. I started taking a 1mg dose twice a day 1 in morning and 1 before bed. I tapered myself down to .5mg twice a day and then finally was able to get off it for about 3 months this year. I just started taking it in .5mg doses again due to the anxiety and depression resurfacing after 10 years. I dont know if its coming back because I got off the medicine or just that I am having a relapse but I have to honestly tell you that those years in between when I was taking it were the best years of my life. Just be VERY careful not to take this in larger doses.

    Side Effects :
    sleepiness, addiction It really helped me for what I was taking it for but it was very difficult to stop.

    I hope this information will be useful to others,
    Brian Lane