Monday, September 12, 2005

How I Feel, Semi-Poetically Illustrated


The statue: Coleridge's "Ancient Mariner", with the albatross around his neck...I'm waxing and waning between identifying with the mariner and then the albatross. In one way, I'm carrying this burden that is little-understood and hard to unload, but for the most part, I AM the burden, a weight around the necks of the good people who support me, who I know are tiring.

According to Random House,

The use of albatross to mean 'a seemingly inescapable moral or emotional burden, as of guilt' or 'anything burdensome that impedes action or progress', often found in the phrase albatross around one's neck, is an allusion to Samuel Taylor Coleridge's 1798 poem "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner."

To myself, I'm feeling the "seemingly inescapable emotional burden, as of guilt", because not only am I unable to pull my own weight right now, I'm putting additional stress on my loved ones, at home and at work. I can hear the frustration in their voices, and see it in their faces. And being trapped in your own panic/anxiety/depression/whatever-this-is, paralyzed by your own on-the-fritz brain, does bring to mind these lines from Coleridge's poem, from when the sailors were trapped on windless seas for days on end with no help in sight:

"Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink."

To others, I imagine that I am that "burdensome thing that impedes action or progress", because nothing "normal" can happen as long as I'm the Freak-Out Anxiety Queen. Alex is tired, my mom is tired, Bella is bored of being in this house...

I just want it to be over. Whatever it is, I want it gone, and I want to be a productive member of society, church, and family again. God in heaven, and Dr. O., MAKE IT SO. Let it be a temporary "glitch", please--not a lifetime struggle.

Sorry this was such a downer, but it felt good getting it out. Once again, here's to tomorrow.

2 comments:

  1. Indeed poetic.
    (i sent a response this a.m. from LJ that apparently didn't get here. :( and I can't sum it up as well now.)
    I can imagine how you, with so much love for those in your life, must feel and how hard it is for you to feel burdened by this and your perceived burden on others.
    Are things looking up at all in treatment?

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  2. I think so. I don't feel "depressed" as such anymore (or I don't think I do--I'm doubting my own feelings now), and I see the psychiatrist at the end of this week. So, we'll see!

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