Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Ones Who GET IT

I have gone on and on about how, outside my family, people just "don't get" the huge, ragged hole in my being that is the loss of my dear father last fall. Apparently "most" people don't grieve this long. Whatever. But some do "get it", and still respect my continuing status as a grieving daughter. Kerri gets it--because she knew him, and because she has an amazing Daddy of her own. Lisa gets it, because she knew him and she knows how much of me IS him. Sue gets it, because she recognizes the importance of the things that made him so precious to me, and spoke some of the sweetest words I heard in the days after his death. She said, "I grieve for you in your loss, but I also envy you for having had such a wonderful presence in your life. Not everyone, nor even most, do, you know."

And today, at the pharmacy, dear friend Clarice, who I see not anywhere near enough of anymore, but who is the best kind of person you can imagine having for a friend, really, really did a good thing for me (Hi, Clarice! I didn't cry until I left!). She said, "I think about Zane every day. Belinda, he was the best man I have ever known in my life." Thank you, Kiks, not just for saying it, but for meaning it. Hearing that validates the very high value I place upon Dad's life, and his place in my life.

Also, thank you for telling me that it is supposed to take a minimum of two years to grieve such a major loss...I don't know where you got that information, and I don't even care whether it's accurate, because it makes so much more sense than this "six months" crap I've been hearing all year.


  1. My Sweet Belinda,
    I have found a difference between grieving and depression. I don't know that the pain of the grief will ever lessen, but I have put all my effort into being thankful for my past and trying not to "mourn" my future. It doesn't make the pain go away but it allows me to function in spite of it. Like an incurable disease, I live with it, but I do live and for my children and grandchildren, I must live. I love you more than life, Mom

  2. Darn right, you must. I've said it to her so many times that now, whenever I tell Bella I love her, she asks, "You love me over the whole world?" (I say "more than")

    Yup. Over the whole world. And my mom, also the best over the whole world.

  3. Some people would just go on, in denial of the stages of grief. Many do. I personally know MANY people who haven't properly acknowledged their grief.
    I don't think there's a timetable; I think the journey is important though.
    Just reading your dad's memorial gave me the impression he was a Very Good and Kind Man.

  4. Zane Hankins was the only man I know who was as good a man as my own Daddy. I wish everyone could have been able to know him. And...
    Zane would have LOVED the Razorbug!!

  5. Most likely so. Believe it or not, he folded his tall lanky frame into many a Beetle in his day. I think he even considered participating in the "Beetleboard" campaign in the 70's, but they would not guarantee that your Beetle wouldn't be advertising liquor or cigarettes.