Thursday, August 11, 2005

Driving Miss Belinda

The doors, Dear Husband, on both our vehicles, they have the automatic, remote-control locks. Here's how it works when two or more people are approaching the locked vehicle: If you, as the driver (and remote-control key operator), click the "unlock" button on the remote, it unlocks YOUR door. If you simply click it TWICE, it opens ALL the doors. Proper procedure is to double-click the "unlock" button, so everyone can begin getting into the vehicle immediately--especially if one of those people has a manic toddler to strap into a carseat. Do not--I repeat, DO NOT--unlock only YOUR door, climb slowly into the vehicle, settle yourself comfortably, adjust your seat and mirrors, start the engine, turn on the XM Radio, and prepare a fresh Cobb salad or whatever else in the world you're doing in there while everyone else stands outside in the heat waiting. Your other option, which I personally prefer, is for you to come around to my side first, open my door FOR me, see to my personal comfort and safety, and then go around and put yourself into the vehicle. I'm not betting on that being your pick, though, so all I'm really asking for is the double-click. Really, is that so much?

If I am in the vehicle, the air-conditioner will be running. And not on that puny "1" setting, either. The air-conditioner will always be running. Even in winter. If the AC is not going, I cannot breathe. This is not, as you are wont to believe, silly melodrama on my part. When you turn off the AC, I CAN NOT BREATHE AND WILL DIE. Don't even joke about it. My air must be conditioned. Additionally, all the vents should point toward me, to further facilitate my ability to breathe. This is not crazy.

That was not Molly Shannon you saw today getting into the silver Pontiac Grand Am as we drove through the Kroger parking lot in Jacksonville, Arkansas. It just wasn't.


  1. If your husband can't figure this particular action out PLEASE let me know for I will send to you my savior Michael. Poor boy has not entered the 2000s. He must still unlock with a key BUT he always either unlocks my door first OR he gets in and unlocks my door. Its all about training.

  2. Well, we had this conversation again yesterday on the way to and from the doctor. Then he did some kind of technical mumbo-jumbo with the locking mechanism buttons on the console, and hopefully "configured" it differently. It is his contention that he has been doing it right, but the truck was "set" a different way. We'll see.